6:58pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday night, January 9, 2023. Had another conversation last night with my daughter’s mom about officially ending our relationship and getting a divorce. At this point I am alright with it. We have known each other 25 years yet, we have been platonic for well over a decade now. While we get along and are friendly, we are not truly married. For the longest time the concept of divorce did not sit well with me. I couldn’t accept that what was once so beautiful could come to and end. But maybe we both just had to reach this place where we could honestly say it is over. I suppose we are at that place. Whatever the future holds it I look forward to it and embrace a brand new start.
Tag: wife
My daughters mother
7:28am, PST, apartment in Dana Point, CA. Saturday day morning, January 22, 2022. A year ago the woman I married stopped referring to me as her husband. She began introducing me as our daughters dad. I didn’t think much of it and still reflexively called her my wife. However this past week we had a discussion about future plans. She made it clear we will never be together in that capacity ever again. I am not shocked or offended, we have been strictly platonic for well over a decade and I have no desire to revisit that status. But I did make the decision to follow suit. We are legally married but we aren’t husband and wife any more. She is now my friend and simply the woman I know as my daughters mother.
A Saturday Afternoon in Orange County
1:21pm (PST), wife and daughter’s apartment, lying in bed, Dana Point, CA, Saturday afternoon, January 8, 2022. I arrived at 11am after leaving Chandler at approximately 5am (MST). When I arrived we sat at the table and ate leftovers for lunch before doing school work. Now I am napping while my daughter plays an online game. The wife is in the living room and the dog is lying next to me.
Taking the day off
6:15am, in my apartment living room in Chandler, Arizona, sitting on the couch, watching the weather, Thursday morning, December 30, 2021. The morning feels cozy. My wife and daughter are sleeping, the dog is on the couch next to me and we are watching the weather. Yesterday I told the regional VP my family was in town. She told me to relax and suggested I spend time with them. I appreciated that. She makes me feel valued. I want to work hard for my own success but to also to repay the support she gives me. We do not have definitive plans for the day, but we did reserve the apartment complex theater tonight. We are going to buy snacks and watch a movie together.
Running errands
5pm, parking lot in chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, December 22, 2021, three days until Christmas. My mom wanted to go to the wholesale outlet to buy water, paper towels and a bag of chocolate candy. It wasn’t too crowded but, as we were leaving, my wife texted, suggesting we pick up snacks for Christmas Eve. I am in the car waiting while my mom goes back in.
Someplace else
1:55pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, December 15, 2021. It is natural, when things slow down, to think about being someplace else. After all, life is more enjoyable in reflection, when current circumstances cease to demand attention. This afternoon I left my office, drove to a nearby park and sat in my car. As the bright sun warmed me, my mind wandered to last year. I recalled being in Dana Point, sitting on my couch, experiencing a similar moment. It was not a perfect time. The ongoing pandemic resurged and large group restrictions were in place. My wife and daughter had moved out and my mother, recuperating from a nasty fall, had moved in. I was settling into a new job that, unbeknown to me, was going to end in three weeks. It was not a time l felt particularly content, yet sitting in my car, remembering it, all I felt was peace. Now I am looking at decisions I will make for the coming year; Will I stay in Arizona? Or maybe move back to Orange County? Perhaps even end up somewhere I have yet to discover? Many times in life I find myself missing what was left in the past and that makes me realize something; come next year, when I have a moment to reflect, I very well could be enjoying the sunshine of a similar afternoon, in a new someplace else, missing the very place I am now.
A Heartland Kind of Guy
6:37am, in my wife’s apartment, Dana Point, CA, Sunday morning, December 12, 2021. I am going to tell you a story. It is called A Heartland Kind of Guy. Are you ready? Here it goes…He was a typical American Heartland kind of guy; Rugged, stoic and contemplative. His life began on the prairies of South Dakota, briefly detoured through the Rapid City Black Hills and finally settled forever in the Southern Wyoming Desert. Childhood was uneventful except for learning to despise harsh weather and appreciate wide open space. By the age 15 he was convinced life would be better someplace else, so he headed west and didn’t stop until reaching the Pacific Ocean.
The women I love and the places they live
4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.
Monday
7:59pm Monday night. After finishing dinner I cleaned the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen. I called my daughter to find out how school went. “Hi dad, bye dad.” Were her only words. My wife complained about money. We discussed plans for the weekend. I hung up then washed my face and brushed my teeth before crawling into bed. I read an interesting article on blues music. Then turned out the light to fall asleep.
Thursday morning
5:29am I got up this morning feeling tired. I put on my clothes and took a walk. As I walked under dim streetlights I asked a question; What would I think if I were dropped into this life with no pretext? I am a hospice director in Phoenix with my family living in California. Would I be surprised by the job? Disappointed I am not with my family? I imagine myself creative. A writer, actor, musician. why do I not do that as my “job?” I have a wife and a daughter. Aren’t I lonely being apart from them?
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