Easy choice?

5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.

What is the point of continuing?

5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?

Might as well be Sunday

11:25am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, April 10, 2022. The usual Sunday anxiety is bad today, even more so than usual. No matter what I do there is no respite. Ironically, that has made me productive. I worked on my personal expenses, then filled out an application for ecclesiastical endorsement in preparation for pursuing Chaplain work. After that I cleaned the house a little. There is nothing to feel bad about, so why do I feel anxious? It is easy to blame the stress at work but, honestly, that isn’t the issue. Maybe there is no explanation. In the end, some day of the week has to be the worst, might as well be Sunday.

I am sick of the stress

7:55pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, April 8, 2022. Going for a walk right after I wake up is therapeutic. The physical exercise and quality alone time contribute to what I consider my greatest happiness; enjoying solitude in the pre-dawn dark, sifting through treasured memories and anticipating a future yet to be lived. On a really good day, when I am reviewing familiar musings, my spirit soars and I feel contentment. The trick is to see how long I can stay in that joy until negativity pierces the cocoon. Once that happens everyday garbage floods my thoughts. Then the effect is ruined until I can wake up the next day and do the whole routine again. Often, I think back to when I was a chaplain. The job was demanding but, there was enough down time to stay in prolonged moments of bliss. The job I have now violently destroys the very things that make me happy. I am sick of the stress. I don’t want to spend every morning dreading what I have become.

Do I want to get fired?

7:25pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, April 7, 2022. This morning I speculated about being put on a performance improvement plan at work. It wouldn’t have been surprising; when things are going bad a change in leadership is often necessary. Alas, it didn’t happen, but is that a good thing? This site has been struggling for years and frankly, I am tired of being associated with it. I want to get back to my daughter, take some time off and recharge my energy. The problem is I don’t have the guts to give up and quit. What if I resign and things aren’t better? What if I go farther into debt, or take another job that ends up being worse? I would have to live with the fact I made a terrible mistake. Getting fired is a different energy; if I get fired I am not the idiot that quit a decent job because he couldn’t handle a little pressure. Rather, I am a guy forced into a tough situation doing whatever is necessary to survive. What I really want is for someone to make a difficult decision for me. Being forced out sucks but, I find pretentious indignation a far more motivating energy than calculated withdrawal.

I hate this job

Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.

I have a fantasy about quitting my job

I have a fantasy about quitting my job. There would be no notice, no communication and no plan; just go in early, drop off my keys, box of my personal effects and leave a note behind. From there I would head west to Las Vegas through Lake Havasu and Bullhead City/Laughlin before staying the night in Henderson. It would be glorious. No stress, no worry, no overwhelming frustration. Just me on a new adventure, waking up in Nevada, going for a walk, working out and sipping coffee before getting back in my car and driving to Wyoming. I haven’t been to Wyoming in over a year. There I could relax, recharge my energy, get my head straight and truly replenish before making one last drive down the hill to Utah; the place of my happiest memories and greatest professional triumphs. The place where my energy flows strong and positive. There, I could reclaim what I have lost and be me again. I would have my power, my spirit and my energy in alignment and…then what would I do? The whole thing sounds great up to that point. Then I become uncertain. What is the last piece? What would I do that is meaningful, enjoyable and productive? The scenario is like a classic tile slide puzzle. I can move the squares around and even get most of the tiles in place but, I can never quite bring the entire picture together.

Learning a hard lesson

7:04am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, March 20, 2022. The first talk of job cuts happened Friday afternoon. I called my supervisor regarding another matter but she brought up the hard truth instead. I understand. Things are not going well and there isn’t a quick fix on the horizon. The situation is beyond frustrating for everyone involved. I personally feel incapacitated, like watching a slow motion disaster unfold; I can see the horror happening, but am helpless to stop it. In the past, I focused on what that meant to me; loss of direct income, family instability, bruising of personal pride. But today is different. Today I feel I let down those that depend on the businesses success to care for their families and sustain households. It is a crushing weight to bear and I feel every ounce of it. I am learning a hard lesson; there is no nobility in failure. Merely trying is not enough. I need to get better, improve my skills, or I am of no value to anyone else.

Is that a threat?

5:16am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 18, 2022. I can’t calm my thoughts and the world feels sour. 99% of the problem has to do with census and referrals. “Operations review is at the end of the month, we need to show growth.” Is that a threat? To me? To my staff? What is going to happen and how long do we have to turn things around? I am so tired and need a vacation, but I don’t see how that is possible. There are no senior leaders on staff, systems still need to be implemented and lay offs loom as a real possibility. Not achieving budget is never good for job security. Cuts eventually will need to be made. No position is safe, and that very much includes my job as well.

If I wanted to spend my time marketing

5:53pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, March 14, 2022. The day started with a tense marking meeting. The numbers aren’t where they should be, therefore, I spent my afternoon in the west valley, following up with old connections, trying to build lost business from last years sale. The meetings were positive, and potentially productive, but if I wanted to spend my time marketing, I would still have a marketing job.