5:58pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, March 10, 2022. Burn out is creeping into my soul. Work became chaotic at the beginning of the year and has remained that way ever since. I thought things would slow down, but they have not, and probably never will. I am so damn frustrated and I am beyond tired of going into that effing office everyday.

6:07pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, March 2, 2022. The employee quit before we could share a corrective action plan. The resignation was a blessing because her performance was detrimental to the team and it meant we didn’t need to draw out the process any longer. After that I presented financials to the regional team. The day has been draining. I am ready to just go to bed and fall asleep.

6:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 1, 2022. Last night I woke up in a panic, thinking about issues with billing for the prior month. The problem seems somewhat resolved but operations review is tomorrow afternoon. There is no way it will end up well. Some days I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from the world.

6:41pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, February 28, 2022. Today was alright. I had a little too much wine after dinner last night so the time went slow. There was no painful hangover but my energy was lacking. There is a lot of stress on the team right now, myself included. The time has come to address the performance of a key team member. We have to make a change in that position in order to be profitable. I am not used to that aspect of the job. I have helped move people out that have bad attitudes, but not someone simply because they aren’t good at their job. She has been bad mouthing me behind my back though, so it won’t be that hard.

5:52pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, February 9, 2022. The meeting with senior leadership was this afternoon. Nothing too groundbreaking got discussed beyond typical corporate talking points: 1. How can we help you? 2. You know we are here to support you, right? 3. Why aren’t you making more money?” Toward the end I said something about marketing strategy. The senior VP replied with a different take. Afterwards she moved on and likely forgot the whole exchange. I on the other hand have heaped torrents of abusive self-talk all over my psyche for three straight hours, chastising myself over and over for being stupid, for not thinking before I speak and for making myself look ignorant. It really is over the top and way too much for something so minor. Yet I can’t stop. Sometimes I swear I deliberately try to crush my own soul, just to see how sick I can get.

3:28pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, January 25, 2022. The regional leadership team got new bosses this past month. It has changed the dynamic of our relationship. No longer are they patient and supportive, but rather nervous and insecure. All they can focus on are numbers; did we get more referrals? Has the census increased? Are we achieving revenue targets? The change was inevitable but still disappointing. I shouldn’t be surprised, money changes everything.