Tag: work purpose

Easy choice?

5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.

What is the point of continuing?

5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?

Learning a hard lesson

7:04am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, March 20, 2022. The first talk of job cuts happened Friday afternoon. I called my supervisor regarding another matter but she brought up the hard truth instead. I understand. Things are not going well and there isn’t a quick fix on the horizon. The situation is beyond frustrating for everyone involved. I personally feel incapacitated, like watching a slow motion disaster unfold; I can see the horror happening, but am helpless to stop it. In the past, I focused on what that meant to me; loss of direct income, family instability, bruising of personal pride. But today is different. Today I feel I let down those that depend on the businesses success to care for their families and sustain households. It is a crushing weight to bear and I feel every ounce of it. I am learning a hard lesson; there is no nobility in failure. Merely trying is not enough. I need to get better, improve my skills, or I am of no value to anyone else.

Arizona longer

3:56pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday afternoon, January 28, 2022. Exhaustion overcame me yesterday and a cough developed in my chest. Consequently, most of today was spent sitting on the couch or lying in bed. Two work calls couldn’t be canceled but that was alright, both calls ended up being positive and affirming. I feel appreciated right now. Maybe I will stay in Arizona a little longer.

Success?

7:25am Sunday morning. On my walk I felt anxious. The reason I felt that way is because I have had so many opportunities to succeed; jobs, businesses, writing. Yet I have not found sustainable results. The question I ask is; am I a failure? I suppose it depends on what I mean by “success.” If I am measuring it by possessions and numbers in my bank account then the answer is “yes.”But beyond those measures do I really feel I failed? Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations. The road to success is not easy, nor constant. I lived life the way I wanted to live it. Honoring the goals I deemed important. Sure, not everything has gone smooth, I have had challenges. But I am not going to change, I can’t change. I don’t want to change. This is who I am and who I will be until the bitter end. (That made me think of a song) “if you need a shoulder, or if you need a friend. I’ll be here standing, until the bitter end..” Rocket Queen by Guns and Roses-/. What I am saying is I like who I am. Some results suck. Like changing jobs every year,being away from my daughter, being in debt, not communicating with the WIL. But those are consequences of life lived. I am still moving forward. I will reach for new goals while trying to get back to those I love, connect with those I lost and honoring commitments I already made.

Jobs

6:14am Arizona, home. I realize I don’t like sales jobs. I don’t apply for them any more. I don’t like operations jobs either. Yet I am enticed by the money they pay and the challenge of getting a job. I need to be disciplined and have stability. Be a chaplain and find my thrills some other way than getting jobs I don’t like.

Two energies

8:17am Arizona, office. I have two energies, spiritual and monetary. Both are valid but spiritual is the dominant energy. For the past 12 years I have honored the less dominant energy, the monetary. I wanted to do it, to try something different, but I am tired. it is time to go back to spiritual. I found my hard copy of The Unaffiliated book I wrote nine years ago. I am going to go through it and see what I can do with it.

Rhythm

9:57am Monday, at work l. The week has a rhythm. Sunday at 2pm energy drops low and contours to go down throughout the evening. Monday morning is still low. Then there is a slight perk up as the day begins and evening comes. I survived the first day. But that energy is short lived. Tuesday comes like a second Monday. Wednesday feels heavy but picks up after lunch. By Wednesday evening I can see the finish line. Thursday is filled with anticipation. Friday is wonderful. Saturday is a time of enjoyment and Sunday morning is peaceful. Then it all starts again. I look to read the most on Sunday evening. I want commiseration.

Work

6:21am in the apartment. Everyone is still asleep. I wish I was still asleep. I need more rest. I have been tired lately. Not sure what is causing it. Stress? Getting up too early? Distraction? I woke up an hour later than usual and still feel tired. I would have slept longer but the dog needed to go out. I took her for a walk, came home, made coffee, sat down and turned on the weather. Now I have time to gather my thoughts and write some things down. I am still examining what I consider my work/purpose. I am almost 50. As I approach middle age I know a job doesn’t define me. I am my own person. I set my own course. Like doing these posts. Writing down my thoughts. But these posts don’t fill my day. They don’t give me a battle, a game to win. I need an antagonist. Something to fight against and test my resolve. This job provides that. I wish it were going better. Being in business and not being successful sucks. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I took this job six months ago. I knew it was bad but it is even worse than I realized. This site is a mess. Our key referral source just sold us. No one wants to work. And half the people that show up don’t have the proper skill set. Some days I don’t know where to begin. everything I do to fix one problem uncovers more problems. Everyday is one step forward two steps back. No wonder I am exhausted. Tuesdays are the day I have one-on-one time with my supervisor. We have an hour phone call to go over key metrics. It isn’t too bad. My supervisor is nice. But she is frustrated like I am. We both want to be successful. We both want results. But we are struggling. I am not alone. other sites are struggling as well. I do not envy her job. We are part of a new company. We are under pressure to deliver. It is time to find our groove and get moving in the right direction. My call ends at noon. I will check in then and update how it goes.