2:34pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday afternoon, January 2, 2022. There is a donut hole in my quest for happiness. When I avoid work, stress-free mornings are followed by tediously empty afternoons. However, embracing challenge means my free time is pervaded with unmanageable anxiety. Avoiding work causes existential angst, embracing it means crippling pressure. I try to find balance but, in reality, I am not sure it is possible. No matter what, there will always be something missing. It is best to accept the situation and make peace with the vacancy, whatever form that may be.
Tag: work stress
Things have settled down
5:58pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Tuesday evening, September 27, 2022. I woke up early this morning after a restless nights sleep. Work issues kept me awake and stressed. I went to the gym and had a good workout before heading to the office at 7:30am. Things seemed to have settled down by the afternoon. Tomorrow is my last full day in Dublin before heading back to Arizona for the weekend.
Some days are better than others
7:29pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Monday night, September 27, 2022. Long day. Woke up at 5:30am to get to the airport in time for phones calls and meetings. Then I flew in to Las Vegas, Nevada to catch a connection to Sacramento, California. By the time I landed in Sacramento my phone was inundated with staffing issues and payroll problems. I scrambled to get my luggage, rental car and a good enough wifi signal to finish some work. By the time I got to the hotel I was physically exhausted. And yet my phone keeps ringing. Some days are better than others. Today was no fun at all.
Better stress
7:03pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Wednesday evening, September 21, 2022. A little bit of rain and cooler weather finally made it feel like fall, which is wonder. Today was a busy day at the office; lots of admissions and phone calls. It is good to be busy; there is still a lot of stress but, it is better than the alternative stress caused by not being busy enough.
Easy choice?
5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.
What is the point of continuing?
5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?
I won’t be happy, no matter what
7:16am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Saturday morning, April 23, 2022, day 9 of vacation, sitting on the couch, contemplating life. I looked at payroll reports this morning and checked work email. Vacation is almost over and I need to prepare for Monday. I have no passion at the moment. Not because I dread work but, because the financial health of the site is bumming me out. It is hard to find motivation when the results are always negative. Then again, it probably doesn’t matter. If the financials were better the bullshit of everyday tasks would annoy me. I won’t be happy, no matter what. I am simply justifying what I already feel.
Might as well be Sunday
11:25am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, April 10, 2022. The usual Sunday anxiety is bad today, even more so than usual. No matter what I do there is no respite. Ironically, that has made me productive. I worked on my personal expenses, then filled out an application for ecclesiastical endorsement in preparation for pursuing Chaplain work. After that I cleaned the house a little. There is nothing to feel bad about, so why do I feel anxious? It is easy to blame the stress at work but, honestly, that isn’t the issue. Maybe there is no explanation. In the end, some day of the week has to be the worst, might as well be Sunday.
I am sick of the stress
7:55pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, April 8, 2022. Going for a walk right after I wake up is therapeutic. The physical exercise and quality alone time contribute to what I consider my greatest happiness; enjoying solitude in the pre-dawn dark, sifting through treasured memories and anticipating a future yet to be lived. On a really good day, when I am reviewing familiar musings, my spirit soars and I feel contentment. The trick is to see how long I can stay in that joy until negativity pierces the cocoon. Once that happens everyday garbage floods my thoughts. Then the effect is ruined until I can wake up the next day and do the whole routine again. Often, I think back to when I was a chaplain. The job was demanding but, there was enough down time to stay in prolonged moments of bliss. The job I have now violently destroys the very things that make me happy. I am sick of the stress. I don’t want to spend every morning dreading what I have become.
Do I want to get fired?
7:25pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, April 7, 2022. This morning I speculated about being put on a performance improvement plan at work. It wouldn’t have been surprising; when things are going bad a change in leadership is often necessary. Alas, it didn’t happen, but is that a good thing? This site has been struggling for years and frankly, I am tired of being associated with it. I want to get back to my daughter, take some time off and recharge my energy. The problem is I don’t have the guts to give up and quit. What if I resign and things aren’t better? What if I go farther into debt, or take another job that ends up being worse? I would have to live with the fact I made a terrible mistake. Getting fired is a different energy; if I get fired I am not the idiot that quit a decent job because he couldn’t handle a little pressure. Rather, I am a guy forced into a tough situation doing whatever is necessary to survive. What I really want is for someone to make a difficult decision for me. Being forced out sucks but, I find pretentious indignation a far more motivating energy than calculated withdrawal.
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