I hate this job

Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.

I have a fantasy about quitting my job

I have a fantasy about quitting my job. There would be no notice, no communication and no plan; just go in early, drop off my keys, box of my personal effects and leave a note behind. From there I would head west to Las Vegas through Lake Havasu and Bullhead City/Laughlin before staying the night in Henderson. It would be glorious. No stress, no worry, no overwhelming frustration. Just me on a new adventure, waking up in Nevada, going for a walk, working out and sipping coffee before getting back in my car and driving to Wyoming. I haven’t been to Wyoming in over a year. There I could relax, recharge my energy, get my head straight and truly replenish before making one last drive down the hill to Utah; the place of my happiest memories and greatest professional triumphs. The place where my energy flows strong and positive. There, I could reclaim what I have lost and be me again. I would have my power, my spirit and my energy in alignment and…then what would I do? The whole thing sounds great up to that point. Then I become uncertain. What is the last piece? What would I do that is meaningful, enjoyable and productive? The scenario is like a classic tile slide puzzle. I can move the squares around and even get most of the tiles in place but, I can never quite bring the entire picture together.

Good morning Phoenix

5:39am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, March 22, 2022. The company is holding a three day sales training at a hotel by the airport in Phoenix this week. It starts this morning at 9:30am. They had a couple of extra spots available and offered them to directors. When I agreed to go I mistakenly thought it was just for one day. When I realized the truth I began to feel stress. Being out of the office three days would put me even further behind. But now that the time has arrived, I am grateful. Since the training starts later, my morning is not rushed. I am going to read a little longer, have an extra cup of coffee and listen to some music. It feels so good to know I don’t have to go to the office. My already late tasks may back up more but, a change in perspective is very much appreciated.

Learning a hard lesson

7:04am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, March 20, 2022. The first talk of job cuts happened Friday afternoon. I called my supervisor regarding another matter but she brought up the hard truth instead. I understand. Things are not going well and there isn’t a quick fix on the horizon. The situation is beyond frustrating for everyone involved. I personally feel incapacitated, like watching a slow motion disaster unfold; I can see the horror happening, but am helpless to stop it. In the past, I focused on what that meant to me; loss of direct income, family instability, bruising of personal pride. But today is different. Today I feel I let down those that depend on the businesses success to care for their families and sustain households. It is a crushing weight to bear and I feel every ounce of it. I am learning a hard lesson; there is no nobility in failure. Merely trying is not enough. I need to get better, improve my skills, or I am of no value to anyone else.

Is that a threat?

5:16am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 18, 2022. I can’t calm my thoughts and the world feels sour. 99% of the problem has to do with census and referrals. “Operations review is at the end of the month, we need to show growth.” Is that a threat? To me? To my staff? What is going to happen and how long do we have to turn things around? I am so tired and need a vacation, but I don’t see how that is possible. There are no senior leaders on staff, systems still need to be implemented and lay offs loom as a real possibility. Not achieving budget is never good for job security. Cuts eventually will need to be made. No position is safe, and that very much includes my job as well.

If I wanted to spend my time marketing

5:53pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, March 14, 2022. The day started with a tense marking meeting. The numbers aren’t where they should be, therefore, I spent my afternoon in the west valley, following up with old connections, trying to build lost business from last years sale. The meetings were positive, and potentially productive, but if I wanted to spend my time marketing, I would still have a marketing job.

Weekend plans

6:22pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday evening, March 11, 2022. Today was better than yesterday, not as stressful. That said, the arrival of a quiet weekend is more than welcome. There is nothing on my agenda except a trip to a grocery store, and perhaps a casino. I don’t know. Gambling isn’t as fun as it used to be, but it is better than sitting at home all weekend.

That effing office

5:58pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, March 10, 2022. Burn out is creeping into my soul. Work became chaotic at the beginning of the year and has remained that way ever since. I thought things would slow down, but they have not, and probably never will. I am so damn frustrated and I am beyond tired of going into that effing office everyday.

Draining

6:07pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, March 2, 2022. The employee quit before we could share a corrective action plan. The resignation was a blessing because her performance was detrimental to the team and it meant we didn’t need to draw out the process any longer. After that I presented financials to the regional team. The day has been draining. I am ready to just go to bed and fall asleep.

Curl up in a ball

6:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 1, 2022. Last night I woke up in a panic, thinking about issues with billing for the prior month. The problem seems somewhat resolved but operations review is tomorrow afternoon. There is no way it will end up well. Some days I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from the world.