Tag: work stress

Sunday evening

6:14pm Sunday evening, Arizona. Then I realized a truth. All my stress, all my sadness initiated from doubt. Doubt I was worth loving, doubt I could complete a work assignment, doubt I could win a competition. Doubt weighed me down like an anchor pulling my happiness to the abyss. I had always dealt with stress by trying to run away. When I couldn’t figure out how to escape I felt more stress. The answer was to not run away. To not doubt. Only I could choose to be confident in the face of adversity. Vanquish doubt and remove stress.

High Steppin’

5:31am (Trying the letter to future self theme) What should I tell you? Yesterday you went to work. The employee you spoke with on Monday about job performance came in and resigned. That was alright. You were going to put her on a performance improvement plan. Her choosing to leave relieved stress. The day turned positive. In the afternoon you drove to Anthem. Anthem is way north of Phoenix. You went out there to get some forms signed for the LA office. The person that needed to sign the forms was not available. You met one of the chaplains up there and gave them to him to have signed. Since yesterday morning you have felt renewed. Which is nice. Wednesday was an awful day. On Wednesday you wanted more than anything to quit, find a job as a chaplain and never look back. You blew off calls with the clinical leadership of the senior living communities. You came home and took an hour and half lunch. You spent most of the day in your office with the door shut. But yesterday was different. Now you can see a path to turning the site around and making it profitable. That is a goal you want to achieve. Last night You drank two beers before dinner. It was gross. You didn’t enjoy them. They made you feel sick. And you didn’t sleep well. Beers on Thursday nights used to be the best. You woke up this morning at 3:47am. You went for a walk and worked out. You thought about work and for the most part you were happy on the walk. It is easier to be happy on Friday. It was the first walk you did both extra loops to increase distance. Your core muscles feel stronger when you walk more. On the walk you started thinking about the WIL but you made yourself stop. You were feeling hurt and cycling about being dumped by her back in 2017. Yesterday you started applying the “one day at a time” mindset to work days. You realized you need to focus on the moment. Not try to reconcile the past. Not plan the future. Writing that sentence made you think of an Avett Brothers song. “See, you can only live one day at a time, only drive one hot rod at a time, only say one word at a time, and only think one thought at a time.” The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’.

The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’

Better

2:51pm in my office. My anxiety has subsided. For that I am thankful. I have been on video calls all day. That tends to put me in a bad mood. Now I am about to go into a meeting to discuss the new marketing plan. I either have to fully commit to moving forward or stop putting myself in situations where I fail.

Mindset

6:08am in the apartment. I had trouble falling asleep last night. No matter what I could not get comfortable. I thrashed around and changed positions until I finally fell asleep. I woke up late and didn’t get out of the house until after 5:30am. By that time The sun was shining. it was too hot and late to do the full route so the dog and I took a shortcut home. When we got back I fed her and gave her some water. Then I got myself something to eat and drank some water myself. Now I am on the couch with a cup of coffee and a toaster pastry writing this post. I thought about my mindset at work as I walked this morning. I tried to be objective examining my approach to this current situation. What fascinates me is how subtle thoughts pop into my head and trigger emotions. How I have a feeling and it evokes set beliefs. Basically I have programmed myself to expect certain outcomes based on previous experiences whether they are true or not. The perfect example of “self-fulfilling prophecy.” With the situation at work I want to lump my current circumstances in with other jobs from the last twelve years. I want to feel what I always felt; helpless, misunderstood, unlucky, under appreciated. But this is situation is different. In the past I was doing just sales. I had one job, grow the business. Get referrals. If I didn’t get that one result I was gone. This job I need to get results but I have something I didn’t have before. Control. I control what is being sold. Until now I was expected to get prospects and complete sales regardless if the offering was of value. It was frustrating and often hopeless. This situation is different. With control I have maneuvered the service in such a way to make it better. I have trained good clinical staff. I have hired good marketers to sell the product. The pieces are in place. Everyone wants results. I want results. I have done a good job with the shitty deal I have inherited. I have done a lot and continue to do more. The referrals, admissions and revenue are the lag measure. They are coming.

Tmi

8:13pm I didn’t sit in my office chair very often today at work. The constipation was a little better. Sitting in the chair + Arizona heat is too much. Side note: work SUCKS. Not for usual reasons like previous nine jobs. I am sick of the ineptitude of my team and the entitlement of our referral sources. I need a vacation

Frustrated with team

5:47am after a good start to the week I had an anxiety attack yesterday afternoon. It wasn’t associated any event. I just went to work after lunch and was in a terrible mood. I don’t want to own negative energy. I am frustrated with the performance of my team. As a leader I need to improve their performance or replace them. I am not doing my job by allowing it to continue

On trial

I am kind of having a crisis of identity. I notice I write these posts on Monday mornings. I am working sales but I hate going to sales meetings with nothing to show for it. On trial and failure. I guess everyone would do it if it were easy?

I feel anxiety gripping my throat. I can’t breathe. I can’t move forward and get a ‘win.’ I can’t let go and accept defeat. I put myself in this situation thinking it was sink or swim. Who knew there was a third option. Just get ground down. I hate doing sales when there are no sales.