Layoffs: update

8:31am, pacific standard time, parking lot of of a grocery store in Phoenix, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, May 13, 2022. Yesterday was not fun. Three employees were let go; two office staff, one field clinician. As for me, I was given three options; stay at the current site while accepting a significant cut in salary and title, explore other executive positions with the company out of state or, take a severance package and look for employment elsewhere. I said I needed a day to think about it but I already knew what I was going to do. I will accept the severance and find a new job in Southern California.

Layoffs

5:42, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, May 12, 2022. Since this past weekend I have felt a unique sense of peace. Ironically, it is because I half-thought I would lose my job on Monday. The worksite has not been doing well for some time and, as the leader, responsibility ultimately falls on me. Hence, the stress of being relieved of my position is ever constant. To protect my psyche I began cataloguing possible benefits of not working; I could enjoy the trip back to Utah/Wyoming with my mom tomorrow, appreciate a relaxing week in Arizona when I return, then travel to Orange County, spend time with my daughter, and not rush back to a dreaded Monday. Those thoughts have buoyed me through the week. But, yesterday after work, the regional supervisor texted me and said she would be in the office this morning at 9am to layoff staff. I honestly don’t know if I will be one of the casualties. Either way, If I am let go or not, people I have worked with for over a year will lose their jobs today. And there is no amount of mental gymnastics I can do to make that situation feel good.

San Diego update

5:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 11, 2022. Yesterday was the second interview for the job in San Diego; this time with the hiring manager. Our conversation was engaging, lasting longer than the time allotted for the call; which is typically a good sign. He told me I would advance to the next round and that a recruiter would be reaching out for appointment times. At this point, there are likely four interviews to go; perhaps fewer, if some are done as a group or in panel format. Depending on their urgency and desire to fill the position quickly, I should know a definitive outcome by the end of next week.

Overcoming the fallout

As an adult, I never had debt (except for car and house payments) until the summer 2017. At that point, with a significant amount of money saved up, I quit my corporate job and started a business from home. At first, the decision was exhilarating; I woke up every morning driven by purpose and peered into a future with endless possibility. There was no doubt in my mind; financial independence and peaceful days spent at the beach were just around the corner. But, before long, revenue stagnated and expenses increased. By the end of year one all my cash had run out. To stay afloat I dipped into long held CD’s and mutual funds; not just to support the business, but to cover basic household expenses, like rent and groceries. When that money was gone I took a chunk out of retirement before resorting to unsecured loans and credit card debt. By the time I went back to work I was broke with no savings and over $75,000 in debt. For the past year and a half I have worked to bring that sum under control. There is still a large amount to be paid back but, I am proud to say, it is considerably smaller, and I can see the path out. Ironically, the lesson learned was not achieving financial acumen by growing a successful business but rather, learning how to deal with money by overcoming the fallout of a failed one.

Monday after Mother’s Day

5:24am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 9, 2022. Yesterday was fun. We drove to Tucson in the morning, traveled around the city a little and looked for a place to eat. Most of the restaurants were crowded on account of it being Mother’s Day weekend so we decided to go back to the apartment and have leftovers. In the afternoon we went for a short walk, watched a movie and ate ice cream. Overall it was a pretty good day. On a different note, big changes are occurring at work. I am adopting a one day at a time approach, not only to the current situation but to what may come in the future.

Vacillate

5:21am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, May 6, 2022. The interview for the Director position in San Diego, California went fine yesterday, just a preliminary phone screen to discuss qualifications and work history. I will know more next week. In the meantime my chaplain endorsement is falling into place. One more colleague needs to complete a reference letter. Once that is done I will have an interview with the governing board and be submitted as a candidate. I constantly vacillate between my stressful, yet lucrative, career path and returning to being a Chaplain.

Easy choice?

5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.

What is the point of continuing?

5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?

It isn’t easy

6:11am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, April 25, 2022, 1st day back to work. Have to go in and do payroll and get ready for an operations meeting at the end of the week. There are multiple things on my plate. I still constantly think about going back to being a chaplain; really doing it, not just using it as a mental escape to ease anxiety. If I choose to be a chaplain again there are logistics that need to be resolved, it isn’t so easy to change careers.