Last day of vacation

6:06pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday evening, April 24, 2022, last day of vacation. My vacation has drawn to a close. I will go to work in the morning and engage in familiar tasks. I do not dread going back as much as I suspected; having too much free time was getting old. Nonetheless, I do not feel particularly committed to the company, nor do I feel committed to. That makes things awkward. It should be an interesting week.

I won’t be happy, no matter what

7:16am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Saturday morning, April 23, 2022, day 9 of vacation, sitting on the couch, contemplating life. I looked at payroll reports this morning and checked work email. Vacation is almost over and I need to prepare for Monday. I have no passion at the moment. Not because I dread work but, because the financial health of the site is bumming me out. It is hard to find motivation when the results are always negative. Then again, it probably doesn’t matter. If the financials were better the bullshit of everyday tasks would annoy me. I won’t be happy, no matter what. I am simply justifying what I already feel.

Truly going home

5:18am, Friday morning, April 15, 2022, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, U.S.A. Today, after work, I am leaving for Southern California to take a much needed vacation. The trip will last 10 days, culminating with a return to Arizona next Sunday. It has been a long time since I had the feeling of truly “going home.” So long in fact that I didn’t believe it was possible to feel it ever again. But this morning on the walk, and sitting here preparing for the day, I am blessed to say that is what I am experiencing now.

Might as well be Sunday

11:25am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, April 10, 2022. The usual Sunday anxiety is bad today, even more so than usual. No matter what I do there is no respite. Ironically, that has made me productive. I worked on my personal expenses, then filled out an application for ecclesiastical endorsement in preparation for pursuing Chaplain work. After that I cleaned the house a little. There is nothing to feel bad about, so why do I feel anxious? It is easy to blame the stress at work but, honestly, that isn’t the issue. Maybe there is no explanation. In the end, some day of the week has to be the worst, might as well be Sunday.

Going back

12:14pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, April 9, 2022. One of the biggest sticking points about going back to being a chaplain was the question of where I would live? I couldn’t afford a place by myself on a Chaplain’s salary and living full time with my daughter’s mom (estranged wife) is not an option. But this morning on the walk I decided not to focus on barriers. I am going to be a chaplain again. If that means living with roommates then so be it. I will make it work. I have waited nine years to arrive at this point. The time has come to get back to who I truly am.

I am sick of the stress

7:55pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, April 8, 2022. Going for a walk right after I wake up is therapeutic. The physical exercise and quality alone time contribute to what I consider my greatest happiness; enjoying solitude in the pre-dawn dark, sifting through treasured memories and anticipating a future yet to be lived. On a really good day, when I am reviewing familiar musings, my spirit soars and I feel contentment. The trick is to see how long I can stay in that joy until negativity pierces the cocoon. Once that happens everyday garbage floods my thoughts. Then the effect is ruined until I can wake up the next day and do the whole routine again. Often, I think back to when I was a chaplain. The job was demanding but, there was enough down time to stay in prolonged moments of bliss. The job I have now violently destroys the very things that make me happy. I am sick of the stress. I don’t want to spend every morning dreading what I have become.

Do I want to get fired?

7:25pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, April 7, 2022. This morning I speculated about being put on a performance improvement plan at work. It wouldn’t have been surprising; when things are going bad a change in leadership is often necessary. Alas, it didn’t happen, but is that a good thing? This site has been struggling for years and frankly, I am tired of being associated with it. I want to get back to my daughter, take some time off and recharge my energy. The problem is I don’t have the guts to give up and quit. What if I resign and things aren’t better? What if I go farther into debt, or take another job that ends up being worse? I would have to live with the fact I made a terrible mistake. Getting fired is a different energy; if I get fired I am not the idiot that quit a decent job because he couldn’t handle a little pressure. Rather, I am a guy forced into a tough situation doing whatever is necessary to survive. What I really want is for someone to make a difficult decision for me. Being forced out sucks but, I find pretentious indignation a far more motivating energy than calculated withdrawal.

I hate this job

Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.

Always ends up being wrong

Written 6:09pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 29, 2022. The office will permanently close soon. Two tense meetings yesterday pointing out a “lack of viability” made that clear. What does it mean for me, my family, our future if this office closes? I could stay in Arizona, get a new job, see what next year looks like. I could look for a job in California like I planned, but last month I applied and interviewed for a job in Orange County and it wasn’t a great experience. I could pack everything up, go to Wyoming/Utah, be close to my mom (she will be 80 this year). I could try someplace new (Las Vegas?) I am frustrated. I can’t keep looking for-and taking- jobs I don’t have the talent or desire to do. I am caught in a vicious circle; my resume and financial needs keep me looking for executive jobs, and I am good enough to get them. But after a year (if not sooner) we are sick of each other and disappointed with the results. It is absurd. I need to make a change. There is creative energy that flows pure in my heart. I want to honor and pursue that. Where does it lead, if anywhere? Can I set ego and practicality aside? Am I selfish for wanting to change? No matter what the choice, it always ends up being wrong.

I have a fantasy about quitting my job

I have a fantasy about quitting my job. There would be no notice, no communication and no plan; just go in early, drop off my keys, box of my personal effects and leave a note behind. From there I would head west to Las Vegas through Lake Havasu and Bullhead City/Laughlin before staying the night in Henderson. It would be glorious. No stress, no worry, no overwhelming frustration. Just me on a new adventure, waking up in Nevada, going for a walk, working out and sipping coffee before getting back in my car and driving to Wyoming. I haven’t been to Wyoming in over a year. There I could relax, recharge my energy, get my head straight and truly replenish before making one last drive down the hill to Utah; the place of my happiest memories and greatest professional triumphs. The place where my energy flows strong and positive. There, I could reclaim what I have lost and be me again. I would have my power, my spirit and my energy in alignment and…then what would I do? The whole thing sounds great up to that point. Then I become uncertain. What is the last piece? What would I do that is meaningful, enjoyable and productive? The scenario is like a classic tile slide puzzle. I can move the squares around and even get most of the tiles in place but, I can never quite bring the entire picture together.