Money

1:54pm, afternoon, last Monday of November, in my office, Phoenix. I am not obsessed with making money. I want more if I can get it but the need doesn’t consume me. I work to make money but the jobs I do aren’t particularly exciting, enjoyable or rewarding. What if money wasn’t an issue? Scenario: I get my current salary/benefits + 3% COLA adjustment for the rest of my life. What would I do? First, I would focus on how the amount isn’t enough. I would complain that I can’t pay down debt, buy a decent house or cover current expenses. Then I would look for a job to make more money! Would I seriously do that? I hate to say it but I think it is true. I would be bored and getting a job would alleviate boredom and give me more financial power. Oh my hell. I can’t believe that. Now I am depressed.

Covid

9:20am Monday morning after thanksgiving, in my office. The office girl that was out for two weeks with covid came back. She said she had a negative test but she sounds awful. A triage nurse is quitting rather than getting the covid vaccine so we don’t have coverage at night next week. Our clinical director is still out with covid and our marketing manager’s family is all sick with covid.

Thanksgiving eve

2:32pm in my office, Phoenix, Wednesday afternoon. It is quiet, and boring. Not much going on. The phones are silent but there are a couple loose ends to take care before the holiday. I spent most of the day scrolling through the newsfeed on my computer. On my walk this morning I felt gratitude, specifically for my time in Arizona. 2021 has been nice in that I can look back on the last 9 plus months and not hate what I see. Which is not nothing. Often when I think about the past it is like wandering into a mine field. Memories start happy but end up sad. Or worse, just plain suck. Arizona hasn’t been perfect but it has been pretty good. Good enough that I can get lost in thought, even just for a little bit, without devolving into sadness. It ain’t much but I will take it.

Monday

3:42pm, in my office, Arizona, Monday afternoon. The sky is a little overcast and the weather is cool for Phoenix (upper 70’s) We made it to the casino last night but didn’t win anything. We still had a good time. I got to the office early today. Traffic was light and work has been slow. It is still just me and one assistant in the office today however she noticed a flat on her car so she left to get it serviced. So far I have successfully fielded phone calls and inquiries.

Friday

3:42pm Friday afternoon, office in Phoenix. This afternoon many visitors came to the office. The regional team stopped by on their way to Tucson from up north. Originally they were going to stay until three but left at 2. It is Friday afternoon so I don’t blame them for leaving early. After they were gone a nursing assistant, nurse practitioner and registered nurse came in, one after the other. I invited each of them to come in because I had things to discuss about future assignments. The meetings went well and I felt they were mutually beneficial. Now the office assistant and I are working on new referrals and closing out payroll. It is going slow because the two other staff members usually in the office Friday afternoons are out sick.

Never enough

9:11am in my office, Phoenix, Thursday morning. I always have an undefined feeling of need for something more. a better job, a bigger house, more money, more fame, more love etc. That need remains undefined precisely because I can never fill it. There isn’t a final destination, or even a next step, there is only occasional accomplishments; vague notions I moved forward or got better in some way. They are usually not even tangible or measurable. It could be a job seemed more rewarding than the previous one. Or my base salary increased slightly. Perhaps a new living situation featured an amenity others did not. Whatever the case I scramble to appease that which can not be appeased. My life is simply trying to find peace in an existence of unrest.

Wednesday afternoon

3:49pm in the office, Wednesday afternoon. I am busy at work figuring out schedules, contracts and payroll. I don’t mind being busy. I tend to overthink existential issues with too much downtime. My mom’s flight from Salt Lake City arrived early this afternoon. The airport is only 12 minutes from my office so I went down and picked her up. It was nice to see her again. I haven’t seen my mom since March back when she lived with me in California. We didn’t have much time to talk. As soon as we got to the car my assistant texted me. The regional team came into the office unannounced. I quickly took my mom to the apartment and rushed back to the office to meet with everyone but they had already left to go to other offices up north. They seemed thankful to get a head start so it all worked out.

Post purpose

8:29am, in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Tuesday morning. We have a meeting at work every other Tuesday at 9am. On those days the 8:15 morning call is canceled. I have a little more free time than usual on this morning, which is why I am posting now. My approach to writing recently has been to chronicle activities. I realize I don’t care so much for insight as much as I want to know what I was doing on a particular day. I want to recall where I was, who I interacted with how it made me feel. I want to use this space to remember time and place.

Back in Arizona

7:45 pm, apartment in Arizona, Sunday evening. I am back in Arizona after a weekend in Orange County. I got a late start this morning and hit traffic just outside the city so it was dark when I arrived back at my apartment. After eating dinner and unpacking the car I started a load of wash and put away groceries. Now I am checking emails and charging my phones. I plan on going to bed early to get rested for tomorrow. This will be the last week corporate support people will be at the office Monday through Friday. I appreciate the help but it is stressful having to explain everything and learn new systems.

Time change

6:08pm, apartment, Arizona, evening. Sunday was the end of day light savings. In Arizona that means we stay put as time zones change around us. During the summer we are on Pacific time. In the winter, mountain time. I grew up in the mountain time zone so it feels familiar but I do lose an hour now traveling back from California. On a similar note Our office had a time change. We went from closing at 5pm to closing at 4:30pm (all the offices at the new company are on that schedule). You wouldn’t think 30 minutes makes that big of a difference but it does. 30 minutes means avoiding traffic. It provides more time to relax and the day is shorter. Change is hard but in that one small capacity things feel better. Sometimes it is the little things that mean the most.