Tag: Work

Paradise City

8:20pm, Wednesday night, Arizona, laying in bed. “Rags to riches or so they say, Ya gotta keep pushin’ for the fortune and fame, You know it’s all a gamble when it’s just a game, Ya treat it like a capital crime, Everybody’s doin’ the time.” Guns & Roses, Paradise City. I don’t know what I consider success. I am not going to make a lot of money. I don’t truly want to be famous. What am I trying to achieve?

Perspective

7:28am, Dana Point. I took my daughter and her friend to a neighborhood haunted house last night. We had fun. The kids (middle school/high school) did a good job getting into character and performing. We came home around 8pm. I went to bed shortly after but the girls stayed up, they didn’t go to sleep until 1am. Needless to say, they are still sleeping. The dog and I took a walk this morning. While coming down the hill I thought about life. Right now Arizona gives me perspective I couldn’t see in Orange County. When I lived here all I saw was stress, I couldn’t relax because work and leisure weren’t separate. No matter what I was doing my mind was thinking about my job and what I had to do. Now work is in a different state. When I am in California I leave it behind and enjoy experiences with my daughter. I am fully present watching a movie, shopping at the mall or going to a haunted house. I don’t like being far away from her but I am thankful for what we have shared the past year.

stress

5:37am, Thursday, apartment, Arizona. I woke up this morning in a panic. My chest was heavy and I couldn’t catch my breath. I stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face while taking deep breaths. After a minute I felt calmer but it was frightening. Everyday the stress seems heavier and work more frustrating. I am tired of problems that never resolve, tasks that are not completed and excuses that are implausible. This causes me to examine so much about life; maybe I am not cut out for leadership, perhaps I should work for a different company, or is it a matter of making changes in key positions? Whatever the case the issues must be addressed before I cause myself serious harm.

Catalytic

8:30am at the office in Arizona. One of the employees had the catalytic converter stolen from her car yesterday afternoon. The thief crawled underneath her vehicle and dismantled the exhaust system. Upon starting the engine she knew something was wrong, it sounded awful, as you would suspect when the exhaust system is broken. She came back into the office distraught. I calmed her down and gave her a ride home. Her step dad brought her to work this morning and is taking care of the situation. It is an older car. I suspect after filing a police report and insurance claim the vehicle will be totaled out. It got me thinking about life. How the car was productive for years; Driving to work, taking vacations, running errands. Then, in an instant, the value is stolen by an unknown stranger. Life is fragile. Things change quickly and your value can diminish overnight.

Eighth grade

8:31am Arizona, in the office. My daughter is in eighth grade. The week before last were parent/teacher conferences for the first quarter. She is doing well in school. However she has a tendency to zone out and doodle on her assignments. This happens in a more than one class so it isn’t subject related. She would rather be creating something than be bored. as a parent it was my duty to tell her the importance of paying attention, I think I even told her to suck it up and get through the school year. But is that good advice? Here I am in the same situation. I am bored at work, the things I do don’t interest me and I am escaping by creating something. Is this human nature? Or is it a sign I am wasting my time on things that I shouldn’t? Do you ever get to do what you truly want?

Tuesday

5:51am Tuesday morning, Arizona, apartment. Yesterday was exhausting. I drank too much beer Sunday and was feeling it the moment I got up. I wasn’t sick, I just felt tired. And depressed. I went home for lunch and took a nap. That seemed to help. When I got back I had a meeting with my new boss. She wants to be helpful but it looks like it will be more of the same. We will be able to hire more staff, something that has been on hold the past two months while the sale goes through. That will be nice. She told me she will be in and out of the office the next three weeks along with others. That seems unnecessary and a little excessive but I welcome the attention after months of being ignored. Anyway, I feel better today and look forward to a productive day.

Success?

7:25am Sunday morning. On my walk I felt anxious. The reason I felt that way is because I have had so many opportunities to succeed; jobs, businesses, writing. Yet I have not found sustainable results. The question I ask is; am I a failure? I suppose it depends on what I mean by “success.” If I am measuring it by possessions and numbers in my bank account then the answer is “yes.”But beyond those measures do I really feel I failed? Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations. The road to success is not easy, nor constant. I lived life the way I wanted to live it. Honoring the goals I deemed important. Sure, not everything has gone smooth, I have had challenges. But I am not going to change, I can’t change. I don’t want to change. This is who I am and who I will be until the bitter end. (That made me think of a song) “if you need a shoulder, or if you need a friend. I’ll be here standing, until the bitter end..” Rocket Queen by Guns and Roses-/. What I am saying is I like who I am. Some results suck. Like changing jobs every year,being away from my daughter, being in debt, not communicating with the WIL. But those are consequences of life lived. I am still moving forward. I will reach for new goals while trying to get back to those I love, connect with those I lost and honoring commitments I already made.

Jobs

2:01pm. There are two jobs in San Diego county I could apply for. There was one in Orange County I did apply for but didn’t give much effort to get. What I am saying is there are opportunities to return to Southern California. Yet I am hesitant. I miss my daughter and I want to be close to her. But there are bad memories. Was I really happy there? Was I in a good place? last I remember I was tens of thousands of dollars in debt and just laid off from a my ninth job in nine years- a job I had all of three months. Forgive me if I am not eager to jump back in.