Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.

Writing

5:36am Thursday when I write it is like taking a picture. It is one single moment Frozen. The emotions before and after that moment are swirling. A post like this pulls one thread from my thoughts, puts it on display and says “here is what I am thinking.” However even as I write I am aware of what I don’t say. All the other thoughts, threads and emotions. If I could capture what my mind is doing right now the narrative would be lost. Words would be jumbled, picture would be flashing in and out. viewpoints would instantly change. Worries would pop up then subside. I don’t stop thinking. I mull over feelings, ideas, beliefs. I push to the extreme until my ribs ache with anxiety. Then I spend hours trying to undo the knot. I write to have something for all I go through.

Mindful

9:38am I am being mindful of how my thoughts create stress and fear. Especially familiar thoughts that produce familiar feelings. It seems I can’t be happy. That I will search for thoughts until I can find something that worries me. Then being worried is the state that feels familiar. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. But it is known.