6:55am today is Ash Wednesday. Thinking about my dad and life in wyoming. There were theee phases in wyoming. First growing up. 9-18. Then going to collage and seminary. 18-26. Finally moving back, first job, marriage, house. 26-30. This makes me think of working as a religious consultant at the state hospital in my late twenties. Doing Lenten lunches at various churches. Being a part of the Faith community. My dad was the interfaith networks president and kept it going. We would do devotional a and have lunch those years. I guess I was never satisfied with life. Always looking to move on.

These posts have become about the job because I self edit. I picture only my wife, my mom and the WIL reading these. So I don’t disparage my mom. I am somewhat honest about the WIL and my wife. But I stay away from talks about sex. Or when I am upset.

The move process will take six weeks. I am pacing myself and staying in the moment. I can’t speed things up to get them done and over.

5:59am On the walk this morning I started to look more objectively at the situation. The more perspective I can get the more I can deal with it. I had a dream last night I wrecked a Porsche on a busy freeway.

I realize how intethered from reality I have been for the last three years. I knew things weeent not working in Southern California in 2017. I had worked five jobs in five years as a sales leader. I decided if I was going to stay I needed to do things different. I cleared the deck. Decided to start my own business. Clean slate. Sky is the limit. I looked into buying and renting real estate. Then going back to work. Finally being a career/success coach. The only jobs I could get failed to pay the bills. I kept spending retirement and savings. I could see I was coming up short every month!. That the coaching was not going to be lucrative. The last job I had before the layoff almost my entire paycheck went to rent. But I had job hopped so many times I didn’t want to leave. All last year I knew I was running out of money and he’ll bent on staying at a job that didn’t cover expenses. But I kept plugging away expecting a miracle. In a way it happened. The operations job provided some relief (though on retrospect I still wasn’t covering my expenses) when that Jon ended everything came crashing down. But it was a collapse that was years in the making. It just finally became untenable.

AriOna is a chance to be normal. To be on a budget. I always stayed on my budget until theee years ago. I was methodical and practical. Now I can get to a more consistent place.

I can see the circumstances led me to almost having a mental breakdown. On the flip side are the memories and reasons I held on so tight. It had to be earthquake force mental destruction to get me dislodged from Southern California. I will miss what I love but the time has come to leave

I used to be an empathetic person. Spending time listening, getting to know a person, their situation. Truly hearing them and offering love/support.

I have spent so many years. So much energy wrapped up in myself.

The feelings of stress used to be sharpZ now they are heavy like sludge. Woke up at 1am in a panic. Thought about the post yesterday at 5pm. Unclogged the flow of energy and let it flow. I am a warrior. The desert warrior. I accept that I must diligently watch my emotional stream. I have to be diligent in how I frame my thoughts.

I want to be carefree and just go with any emotion. But I can’t. I am not young any more. Just like I can’t be caeefeee and do what I used to. physically I aaa well as mentally. I have to accept the situation. Know what I can and can’t do

I am a neurotic loner mess. I didnt say one word to another human being other than my mom and daughter today. Next week I am leading a team of healthcare professionals generating 3 million dollars in revenue. I set myself up for failure. I do high contact high profile jobs when my default setting is hermit monk. I am trapped in an absurd tomb of my own creation. I want to be a hermit monk that writes these posts/books. Connect with people. But not really connect with people because I am afraid of feedback/expectations. Feedback if it is bad. Expectations if it is good. God I am bizarre

I hate sales. I like the concept of human persuasion but I hate the grind of sales. Hence why I can get sales jobs. I love talking about doing sales. But can’t keep sales jobs. I fucking hate going out and kissing peoples ass

Which makes the million dollar question: was the last job a bad beat coincidence or am I as fucked in operations as I am at sales?

I still can’t believe I am leaving. That it is over. I drive around and go about my life. Familiar places of the last nine years. No matter what it ends Friday. I can’t stay in this energy any more. I have to go forward and hope all goes well

I am in this horrible funk. The crazy thing is I can objectively look at it and see the problem but the malaise of emotions sits like a cancer in my gut. My thoughts are creating exhausting sadness and frustration. I see it happening to me. I feel it. I see the iceberg but I can’t turn the fucking ship. Gir fucking damnit

There is a well of confidence in me and no matter what I did it couldn’t be shaken. I had internal confidence. The past decade has dumped so much contrary evidence is is killing confident me. I don’t care about external trappings. I just want to like myself again.