I am truly amazed every morning how far into vulnerable despair I fall and how I work to pull myself out. Writing the last paragraph moves my energy. It is a great tool. But it isn’t an instant change. It takes real mental exertion to identify those positives. Stay in them and claim that energy. The negative, vulnerable despair is like water running down hill.

6:40 am getting ready to shower. Went for the walk at 5 through the neighborhood. Someone was in the gym so I came hone and worked out. Are a bar. Made some coffee. Checked when my daughters spring break starts (four weeks from this coming Monday) saw she only has three months (13 weeks) of school left from today. Ironed my shirt for today.

I have been stressed. Having my supervisor here as made me feel exhausted and uneasy. Not anything she is doing. His having to be on guard. Entertaining. Performing.

My goal is longevity. Yet every moment has to pass at the same speed. No matter what I accomplish I will be judged on the length of time I choose, am able, or wanted to do this job. That makes time move slow. My mind wants to occupy with many thoughts. Again. Solving life. Figuring out the perfect life scenario.

Last night I woke up at 11. My mind was racing. In a good way. I was thinking about work and things i can do. My mind is brilliant and moves fast. I have such a large coast city for thought and growth. I am brilliant. I am strong. I am a winner. I am a leader. People like me. They care about me. They are drawn to me. I am charismatic and attractive.

6:36pm after dinner. New supervisor in town. Not a bad day. But feel tired. Noticed slipping into bad thought habits when I get tired. Counting time. Looking for signs I will get fired. Dreaming about the end. Things I normally did as a defense against anxiety many years ago. I would tear it down and threaten to throw away things to alleviate stress. Go home, rest and recharge. But in an environment where I want to succeed that negative talk puts doubt in my mind. Causes me even more stress.

I caught it and I refuse to indulge. I am in the moment. I am strong. Charismatic. Smart. Dedicated. Energetic. Powerful.

I feel my energy shift when I type those last sentences.

I am blessed. The mornings are beautiful. The sale of the company puts everyone on unfamiliar ground so I do not feel pressure on me alone. The lease gives me a time frame. I have a year to be alive. Be in the moment and enjoy life. Be a beacon of calm for my family, my company and the people that work for me

6:23am Tuesday morning. Finished walk and workout. Unloaded some boxes from the car. Still haven’t quite finished unpacking the trunk.

My energy drops into vulnerable child like mode while I sleep. I wake up around two am feeling small and scared. Wanting to avoid any work or stress. I calm myself and fall back asleep until five then get up and go my routine. All the while I am walking my mind wants to go down well worn neuro paths about larger purpose and the meaning of life. I want to solve existence. I catch myself doing that and can neutralize the thoughts so I don’t get frustrated. The cleaver helps me focus on the day. The task at hand. Be in work mode. I win. I am strong. I have outside. I am confident. Decisive determined.

6:35pm at home after dinner. I get in grooves of feeling strong. It isn’t all about me. My supervisor comes out tomorrow. I know if she likes me and I trust her it will go along way toward my experience on this job.

Happiness is usually shot down by fear or boredom. Fear shoots like darts. Quick. Popping my balloon. Boredom is like the air deflating.

My inner language is vital. I am what I am here and now. Previously I saw everything as a seeker trying to solve problems. I am happy. I am strong. I proud. I am loving. I am caring

I feel wonder and joy bursting through every moment. March first is the beginning of spring. New possibilities. I love this day

The priority is work. I am searching for something more positive than the cleaver. Something that is forced facing. But the cleaver will work for now. A lot of mental work this morning staying in the positive. My mind kept wanting to approach work with familiar but bad habits. Bad mind frames. Bad memories. I am a happy warm, inviting strong valued employee that works hard

6:55am moving is a process. Right now all my wife mother and daughter see are loss. The loss of the familiar. The loss of a nice place. They haven’t come to Arizona yet. They haven’t seen the peace, the possibility. It is a process. I am preparing the place so when they do come out they are excited. It is a gift I can give people. A new beginning. I am willing to work to provide that gift

Feeling invigorated. Excited about the future. I put some things from the bedroom out so I have familiar touch points. Made last big rent payment in Dana point. I choose to be happy. I choose to be full of life. It is a choice I get to make every day. It isn’t always the easiest option. Or an easy process. But I am in control of my thoughts and emotions. I am happy