Month: August 2021

Illusion

6:46am that the illusion was shattered. I could find happiness for a moment but perpetual bliss did not exist. Happiness existed in the ephemera. A time making love, a fleeting memory. lunch with a friend. Those were times I could feel alive. At peace and hopeful. But they were mere grains of precious metal in a bin of the messy dirt of everyday life. The meetings, trudging to work, forms and fights that overwhelm existence. All we ever have are the moments.

Thursday morning

5:29am I got up this morning feeling tired. I put on my clothes and took a walk. As I walked under dim streetlights I asked a question; What would I think if I were dropped into this life with no pretext? I am a hospice director in Phoenix with my family living in California. Would I be surprised by the job? Disappointed I am not with my family? I imagine myself creative. A writer, actor, musician. why do I not do that as my “job?” I have a wife and a daughter. Aren’t I lonely being apart from them?

Wednesday morning

5:39am What did I do? I use this blog to share how I felt. It is a journal then. But what did I do? Who did I interact with? Yesterday I got to work a little late. The two girls who work down the hall were laughing. I made a cup of coffee and went through my emails. There was no call in the morning because we had our bi-weekly meeting where the staff come in to go over patients. The meeting started at 9am and got over with around 10am. After the meeting I met with the nurses to go over new assignments and update on our hiring process. At 10:30am I got on a group call for the communities on the west side then had my call with the supervisor. The call went well. Afterwards we got two referrals. I felt better. Getting referrals and admitting patients is how we stay in business. Around ten pm last night the admitting nurse sent me a text saying she did not admit the patient. I am frustrated. We are not a good hospice. We are not helpful or easy to work with. We do not provide value. We are like the beggars on the freeway exit, asking for consideration out of pity. I talked with my lead clinical nurse. She is always apprehensive to admit patients. Our approach does not work and our business is failing. I am not proud that this site is a reflection of me as a leader.

Holding on

5:32 on the walk this morning you made an observation. You were thinking about making more money and retiring debt. As you thought about your money strategy you felt alive. Your energy flowed positive. Solving the issue is an engaging adventure. When you focus on the dilemma your anxiety melts away. On the other hand when you think about “holding on” the opposite is true. Holding on is trying to maintain a job, stay in an apartment or live in a certain city. Holding on makes you vulnerable. It poisons your energy. It invites attack. It makes bosses and circumstances adversaries that must be endured. Holding on doesn’t last long and it is tortuous. You vow right now to stay focused on the situation at hand and not just hold on.

Monday morning

5:42am you went for a walk this morning. A little bit later than usual. You got a phone call on your work phone at 2:19am. It was the triage nurse. She went to see a patient who was complaining of discomfort. The nurse could not get a hold of the on call doctor to obtain orders for stronger pain medication. She had tried two other doctors. No one had called her back. It had only been twenty minutes. She wanted to leave the community. She explained there was not much she could do without a doctors order. I told her that was fine and to please explain the situation to the staff and to assure them a nurse would follow up later in the morning. I doubt she told them. She is not a very good nurse. She only does the bare minimum and complains the whole time. The doctor is a good doctor but only takes call to make the monthly paycheck. He has too many other interests to effectively take call. This whole site is filled with people just doing the bare minimum, getting by, here for the money. I am ashamed I am the director. Not because I created the situation but because I have failed to change it.

Thought

6:15pm change is possible. 19 years ago moving to California I changed my schedule. Before the move and living in wyoming I always stayed up late. I drank beer. I chewed tobacco. To minimize exposure to my vices I started to go to bed early. Not staying up late kept me from indulging in things that were detrimental and it maximized the morning. The time of day I felt renewed.