5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.
Author: mikemeyer949
Like any new habit
5:41am, Pacific Standard Time, at my computer, in the apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, May 3, 2022. Today marks the of beginning a new task; I will glean posts from the last year and a half and compile them for publication. This is a very exciting endeavor for me; it allows a more focused frame for my writing and provides the opportunity to develop a new creative outlet. Now all I need is the motivation to get started. Like any new habit, I will begin slow and gradually increase effort. After my morning walk and workout, but before coffee and reading, I will turn on my computer and select one post a day. That volume will indubitably increase but, for now, consistency is the key.
A moment of balance
5:40am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 2, 2022. The trip with my mom from Henderson, Nevada to Chandler was more taxing than anticipated yesterday. We got in around 1pm, rested, then got dinner and watched a movie. All things considered, it was a good day. Right now I am enjoying a moment of balance; life is not overwhelmingly great but, many aspects feel calm. I can bear my job, I am at peace with my relationships, I appreciate the place I live, I accept my past and look forward to a bright future.
Road trip update
6:32am, pacific standard time, hotel room, Henderson, Nevada, USA, Sunday morning, May 1, 2022. Landed safely in Salt Lake City, Utah yesterday morning around 9am. My mom picked me up and we headed south. We stopped for lunch in Beaver, Utah before getting to our hotel around 4pm. After resting for a bit we ate dinner at a local brewery and did some gambling before returning to the hotel at 8pm.
Departure
4:29am, pacific standard time, Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix, Arizona, Saturday morning, April 30, 2022. Made it to Phoenix airport early for my 6:05am flight to Salt Lake City, Utah. My mom will meet me there so we can drive back to Arizona together (with an overnight stop in Nevada) I look forward to seeing my mom, going on a road trip together, and seeing Utah again.
The to do list and stress
6:08am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, April 29, 2022. One of the biggest points of stress in my life is thinking peace resides at the end of my to do list; frantically running around trying to resolve problems (real or perceived) with the hope that tranquility is just around the corner. But I never get to the end of my list, I never relax. When all is said and done the only thing I find are more things to do. Today, I let go of that energy, at least for a little while. The weekend is coming and I am going to enjoy it.
Upcoming visit
5:37am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, April 28, 2022. Living alone has benefits; you go to bed when you want, you control the television remote and you have final say on all home decor decisions. But there are drawbacks to living alone; without other people around it is easy to cycle on negative thoughts, feel lonely and get depressed. My mom is coming out this weekend. I am flying to Salt Lake City, Utah early Saturday morning to meet her so we can drive back to Arizona together. It will be nice to see her again (She hasn’t been out since Christmas) and it will be beneficial to have another person in the apartment for a couple weeks.
Easy choice?
5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.
What is the point of continuing?
5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?
It isn’t easy
6:11am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, April 25, 2022, 1st day back to work. Have to go in and do payroll and get ready for an operations meeting at the end of the week. There are multiple things on my plate. I still constantly think about going back to being a chaplain; really doing it, not just using it as a mental escape to ease anxiety. If I choose to be a chaplain again there are logistics that need to be resolved, it isn’t so easy to change careers.
mikemeyer949 