Fight for survival

5:28am Tuesday. It rained on my walk this morning. Little drizzling drops giving way to wet and steady precipitation. The rain was colder than I expected. I took my phone with me because I was trying to track distance. Normally I don’t have my phone. The girls at work convinced me to join an activity that requires using an app. When the rain started I had no choice but to run so as to make it home before I was soaked and my phone was ruined. When I arrived back at my place I began to towel off. And there I realized I a nagging truth. I am unremarkable, some might say, below average. Inside me is a fight for survival, success, relevance? But am I doomed to strive and never achieve?

Salvation

8:30am Monday. I use writing as my catch all salvation. If I want to grow, find solace, challenge myself. I think about writing. That has worked for twenty years. However it has not produced results. Finished products

Sunday Dana point

7:59am Sunday, Dana point. There are two parts of me. When I am alone my mind is in Utah. I reminisce about being young, vital, in love and loved. When I am present I am in Orange County. I am a dad. I am older wiser.

The WIL

2:40am Friday morning. I had a dream about the WIL. It was sweet and beautiful. We were at a family reunion. My dad was there. The WIL and I reunited and spent our time talking, kissing, holding hands. When I woke up I could feel the magnet in my chest that screams only for her pulling strong. For years (and most of these posts) I focused on what she is to me. I forgot that I am something to her.

Working

11:46am Thursday at work. Shortly after getting to the office I finished a stack of reports that were due. My call with the boss got cancelled so I had time. Then an urgent request came from the office next door. I was annoyed but did it anyway. Then I took a lunch break to catch up with friends.

Wednesday

9:35am Wednesday morning. The next morning I got an email from a former client. She was effusive, and quite pleasant, with her praise for our service. Despite worries (we were short staffed), she was pleased with the attention offered her family. She said she wanted to donate to the general fund and was inquiring how to do so. She had no doubt the money would go to a good cause and help families in need. I provided the information and thanked her for the generous offer.

Future

6:27am Tuesday morning. To that point I had focused on my past, trying to live in the now and make everything I had done prior fit or have meaning. I wanted life experiences to be pieces of a puzzle. I wanted to believe who I was and who I would become were connected. But the past is gone for a reason and making the present, or even the future conform to what was left behind is foolish. And dangerous.

Inner peace

2:53pm at the office, Monday afternoon. The one thing I strive for, and usually am pretty good at getting, is inner peace. that doesn’t translate to outward success but it is a nice thing to have.

Arrogance

8:52am Monday morning. How arrogant is it to be a “writer?” To say I can put words on a page in such a way that you will be impressed enough to pay me money? When I am at my default setting I write but what does that mean? It is a magnificent struggle to get just get started writing. And it is even more of a haul to produce something decent. The high of creating quickly abates. There is no real long term benefit for being a “writer.”

Home

10:21am Sunday morning. And I was struck by an overwhelming desire to return home. Once my task had been completed I wanted to return to a life I once knew. I needed to sleep in my childhood bed, live a life with no obligation and gaze upon a limitless future stretched brightly before me.