1:21pm, in a class at the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 24, 2022. The past week was monumental. I never thought I would say this but; I have let go of the WIL. The woman who I loved for over a decade, who I share the most sacred parts of me and the relationship that defined me as a person is over in my mind. Working through the remnants of our relationship consumed me. Now it is complete. I am not sad, I am not hurt, just relieved. I can move forward and so can she.
Author: mikemeyer949
Stopping in Blythe
2:10pm Pacific, grocery store parking lot, Blythe, California , Sunday afternoon, January 23, 2022. Stopped to take a rest for a moment in Blythe before continuing on to Arizona. Friday I came out through San Diego. It wasn’t a bad route but not worth the extra time. The visit to see family was fun. My daughter showed me some new games and videos while I had two good walks with the dog. Last night I drank a couple of beers and watched the football game.
My daughters mother
7:28am, PST, apartment in Dana Point, CA. Saturday day morning, January 22, 2022. A year ago the woman I married stopped referring to me as her husband. She began introducing me as our daughters dad. I didn’t think much of it and still reflexively called her my wife. However this past week we had a discussion about future plans. She made it clear we will never be together in that capacity ever again. I am not shocked or offended, we have been strictly platonic for well over a decade and I have no desire to revisit that status. But I did make the decision to follow suit. We are legally married but we aren’t husband and wife any more. She is now my friend and simply the woman I know as my daughters mother.
To California
10:35am, in my car, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, January 21, 2022. At 1pm I am leaving for California. It will be the first time I travel on Friday rather than Saturday. This week was exhausting and it is important to have down time. The route through San Diego might even be an option.
I end up feeling empty
7:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, January 20, 2022. Why do I watch people live life rather than actually have relationships? I sit on my couch, passively observing others compete, travel, converse, solve problems and face adversity while I do nothing. I am trapped in a vicious circle; Interacting with people physically drains me, yet watching them makes me feel emotionally vacant. I can’t win. Either way I end up feeling empty.
The feeling never changes
5:55am, apartment, chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 19, 2022. If I wake up at 2am I am frustrated because it is too early to get out of bed. If I wake up at 3am I am frustrated because it is too late to go back to sleep. If I wake up at 4am I am frustrated because I have to get up. If I wake up at 5am I am frustrated I overslept. Why do I act like experience is the cause of my feelings instead of the other way around? The feeling never changes inside me, just my excuse.
Sputtering engine
5:48am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, January 18, 2022. My energy is like a sputtering engine; it fires intermittently, propelling me forward, until I lose momentum and slow down. When things are going good it fires consistently, when they are bad I go a long time between sparks.
Not a failure, not a victim
3:24pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 17, 2022. My ordination was 23 years ago today, January 17, 1999. Good memories; I had just started my career as a chaplain and was full of confidence. What changed? Now I only write about being vulnerable at work or in relationships. Why do I do that? I am not a failure, I am not a victim, nor am I helpless.
What I did today
4:56pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, January 16, 2022. I woke up at 5:30am, went for a walk, then came home to drink coffee and catch up on the news/weather. I lounged around until 2pm before working out at the apartment complex gym. After that I went grocery shopping. Now I am occasionally checking the football game and watching a show on Netflix.
Internal identity/ External projection
5:43am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday morning, January 15, 2022. My internal identity is who I am. It is what inspires me, gives me joy and propels me to interact with the world. My external projection is what people see me as. It is the job I work, the relationships I keep, the values I hold. The more my internal narrative aligns with my external projection the happier I am. When they are aligned I am confident, attractive and successful. Here is a brief history of my internal narratives: In high school I was a rock star/baseball player. In college a rock star. In seminary I was a writer. After graduation I was an actor, then a writer again. Looking back I notice times my internal narrative and external projection did not align. Those were the darkest times of my life and subsequently, the times I felt most alone. For the past year I have felt aligned. Writing this blog is who I am internally. Sharing it with you gives me purpose. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.
