7pm laying in bed. Long day at work. Good and productive. But I am tired. Landlady wants to show the apartment Saturday. I asked her to do it Sunday or Friday. Saturday is the only day I have to pack and be with my daughter.

When I first moved to California I was drawn to the transient energy. No matter how long you lived there or who your family was you could be easily replaced. After living in utah that spirit was invigorating. I utah it was about how long you lived there and what religion you were. I remember one story a friend told my wife. The concept was so strong it left a mark on me through third and fourth party telling. I don’t remember the context but it was a discussion about alternative lifestyles and one girl told another “that is how utah is. If you don’t like it leave.” That like it or leave it arrogance. The it isn’t for you it is for us mentality. California was the opposite. No one had roots or precedent. But nine years in the energy staled. The tide shifted. Where I once appreciated the flippancy I now feel burned. I wanted to stay but California said I didn’t measure up. I think about the Beyoncé song. “I could have another you in a minute…” coming to Phoenix I have been appreciated. The site was scarred. Broken. So was I. They couldn’t find a leader to heal. I was a leader who could find his charge. I was willing to travel 400 miles into the desert. My skill, my decision is appreciated. In my last job I gave all my energy and did good. And was flicked away with no thought. Here I am strong. Valued. Phoenix might be triple A but I would rather kick ass everyday and enjoy life in triple A than be unappreciated and disrespected. I am where I was meant to be.

My mom made it to wyoming. She is depressed. Wyoming has that effect. She so enjoyed Dana point. I feel like a bad son for basically failing to keep the house she was recuperating in. I feel like an awful dad because the only thing that mattered was getting my daughter through school in one place. And me being there for her. I had to leave and move 6 hours away. I know I had to. I didn’t have a choice. But the circumstance carries a heavy burden. I can only creates space. Open my doors and invite them in. I think once I establish a home they will appreciate it as much as I fi. In the long run it will be great. Short run? Kinda sucks

7:53am pulled into work. I love work. I saw some golfers on the drive in to the office. I used to scheme and long for Leah sure. Now I love the collaboration and growth of work. I am the leader. I am in charge. I control my situation my destiny. My emotions

6:20am just back from working out. I let my guard down because I was feeling comfortable. Now my mind is spinning. The weekend got me thinking more about the move. More about life. My thoughts flooded in. Since 2021 events have occurred fast. I slow down. I breathe. I control my thoughts and emotions. I am enjoying the moment and the time I am alive.

7:35pm getting ready to read and go to bed. I don’t like to dwell on negative thoughts. Say this and release it. I struggled to succeed as a dad and an employee. I tried to grow and become better. Maybe o would have failed anyway. Sales and management were never really my strengths. But I didn’t seem to have the ability to commit at work when I was a dad to a young girl. I say that because one of my employees as two daughters. 2 and 6. We went to a community together and talked. We talked about the struggle to be a parent of young kids and to have the stamina/ desire to succeed at work. Even now I can give fully at work because I can come home. Eat. Watch what I want. Then call my mom and daughter. I can wait until I choose to interact then only for a compartmented time. I would feel guilty if I hadn’t had 14 goddamn fucking jobs in the 12 years she has been alive.

I have to work. I can’t be a deadbeat. I just don’t want to let my daughter down. But the instability already has. I already failed

7:48am got to work early. I control my thoughts, my emotions, my experience. I am strong. I am confident. I am a leader.

Just had a flash. This job gives me the ability to stay focused. I need to stay diligent and work hard

6:32am checking email, getting moving quotes. The focus this morning has been more in the move. Getting out of the unit in Dana point and getting the house set up here. My hypothesis is now I know how to flip the switch to work mode. I will do that just as I am getting into the office

7:35pm going to bed. I still have many thoughts but I am in control. I choose when to let the emotions in. When to redirect the energy. I have peace

6:51pm made it back to Arizona. Brought some furniture. Nice drive. Very tired. Didn’t get everything out of the cab of the truck but got the back unloaded. Didn’t have too bad of a Sunday. Not as much stress. Nice view to the south as I came in. A litte overcast but no rain around early sunset. Doing laundry. Showered. My wife cut my hair really short. It will be shocking to some people

5:58am in Dana point preparing stuff to pack truck and go back to Arizona. My mind is working on many levels. Thinking about the future. Work. Creating. All good. My brain is huge. My mind processes information at the highest level. I am a hard worker. I am successful. Success flows to me. I hell. I solve. I grow.

8:44pm pacific. Getting ready for bed. In laws came over today. Watched movies with my daughter this evening. A little nostalgia about leaving but more feeling good. I never really liked this physical space. I liked the location but not the space itself. I have wanted to leave before. Now the time has come. Tomorrow I will pack as much as I can into the truck then head back to Arizona.