10:14am home, Dana point I am wrapping this up next week. First book ends with first day of work. I will keep doing the posts and books. But this feels hopeless. Nothing will change. At least I am communicating in some level. That is all this is. Not a key that unlocks happiness

10:10 am at home Dana point I am actually getting bored. I am so sick of trying to figure life out. There is no victory. But there is no surrender. There is just futility. I believe on emotional level life can get better. on a practical level i know this is what life is, was and always will be.

9:40am reality is setting in. I am leaving Friday. I can’t stay. I will lose my sanity.

Thinking back on previous decades. 8 turning 9, 18 turning 19, 28 to 29, 38 to 39. I wasn’t really happy in any of them.

Had a couple people say they are interested in the truck. Might meet one today.

Yesterday the energy flowed through me. Today it dammed up under my right rib again.

I have high energy. The energy needs flow through me. Or it will cause mental and physical damage

8am, sitting watching a movie with my daughter. Thoughts from last night. Woke up at 2am feeling stressed and depressed. Then I remembered I had a great day yesterday! No matter why I wake up with fight or flight.

I avoid confrontation. The landlady and I are having a disagreement about how much rent is due next month. I haven’t responded to her latest message. I keep going over in my brain how or what to say.

I expend so much energy holding onto this place. The pressure of being. Parent and providing. How do I support and care for my daughter without the stress of worry all the time? Young me was care free, strong and unburdened. I didn’t worry about rent, foreclosures or even disagreements with my boss. I don’t expect to be completely carefree but I need to find stable.

I read an innocent exchange in a book. The boss was calling a reporter in and wouldn’t tell him why. The writer didn’t mean to make it stressful but I had ptsd.

9:51pm laying in bed. I literally feel like a different person. I am terrified to think too much. What is I become what I was the last month/13 years?

Watching Mike birbiglia. About birth of daughter.

We could not get pregnant for five years. No reason. 15% of infertility is unexplained. Did in vitro

Was a long shot it would work. But it did. The moment they handed my daughter to me was amazing. I think about it all the time. When her life began. My birthday is in a week. My mom reminds me of where and when. I understand. The birth of a child is singular and spectacular

For one day, a week before my 49th birthday; I am a Golden God. I love feeling like this. Utah me. Chaplain me

At home, 5:22pm for an ever so brief moment, after cleaning out the garage, excited about moving and intrigued by possibilities with this other position I felt the old Utah energy. That feeling of being on the cutting edge of the wind, soaring through life. Fuck this has been a great day. Hard to remember the mental anguish I have endured up to now. Was that really me? Please god tell me that is the past.

I heard back from the first job I interviewed with last month. The guy wants to talk more. Recalling the conversation the position was in Ventura county or the Bay Area. He even mentioned a COO opportunity. I will hear what he has to say but I am pretty deep into the position in Phoenix. It would take a pretty amazing opportunity to change course