From there we snuck off in the car and had intense make out sessions. It was very passionate but also Pg 13. No nudity oral or penetration. She would straddle me for an hour and we would just kiss and grind. Her chest pressed against mine. When we left each other we talked the whole way on our cell phones. The very essence of my soul screamed to be with her. Aching to turn around and be pressed against her. My chest was a magnet longing for the pole she possessed inside her

The first time we made love was ten months after our anniversary. We snuck to my house and opened a bottle of vodka. Neither of us had drank for some time. Our inhibitions were lowered. I led her to the spare bedroom. The moment our bodies connected was the most perfect thing I will ever feel. It was a year and a half after we first met and a year and three months after we started flirting.

I met her at work. We were friends to start. She was very attractive funny smart confident. I was drawn to be with her. We had another colleague and the three of us talked often and went to lunch.

After four months I sent her a flirtatious email. Nothing drastic, just a slight innuendo. Testing the waters. She responded in kind. I upped it a little more with my response and so on. We kept up the friendship while in secret we wrote each other deep sexual messages. We didn’t act on the feelings though. She was married and so was I. Five months past. We went to a meeting together. We held hands in the car. She sat close to me as I drove us home. We talked about how much we wanted to act on the feelings and how happy we made each other. I kissed her on the cheek at the end of the night and we went home to our respective spouses. That night became our anniversary. It was the day we finally got to be truly together.

There are times I feel so vastly alone. I have friends. People I can chat with. I need to put forth the effort.

I don’t have anything cooking on the job or friend front. I am starting to get anxious. Free time makes me think about checking out hook up sites. I long for titillation, connection. Even if I don’t hook up. I long to talk to someone.

Those are really the only consistent relationships I have. I have chatted with four people. One I never met. One I was with twice but moved to Montana. One I met and probably will never see again. And one I met recently. She is up for getting together but honestly, she sees a lot of guys. Makes me uncomfortable. I am just not into seeing her again. I go and chat with other people but it takes time. I feel really awkward discussing this…

I looked closer at the slide deck (lite deck) it is a lightly funded start up out of Manhattan beach. I am not sure how far along they are in their process. The numbers are small for hospice acquisitions but the business plan looks solid.

I am at a point where the money is secondary. I want to be a part of something and feed my ego. I will see what is available. Like I mentioned I am not anticipating a lot of money up front

I have a call at 11am today with a company that reached out to me on LinkedIn. As far as I can tell they offer to purchase or manage, (perhaps sell?) hospices. Not sure what the role would be or if it pays anything but it would be better than sitting around

I am having a dark night. I started getting upset about the situation and my money draining

Of course that is what happens once I have to start paying bills. Reality sets in

I resent having to beat my head against the wall and be tortured for money. I wish my best was at least good enough to keep steady income. I don’t need to conquer the world just stop getting my ass handed to me and playing this stupid game

There really are not that many jobs to apply for.

I am glad I started doing this blog because it has helped me see I am not as broken as I thought

I don’t miss the specifics of being a chaplain. But I do miss the feeling of purpose

Helping people that were dying. Supporting families. Performing rites and sacraments for people at important life events. Birth marriage death, illness fear. To be a helpful presence

Why did I stop? I don’t think I intended to wash all the way out. I wanted to pursue other things but still keep what I had. I wanted to make the woman I love proud she risked to love me. There really weren’t any chaplain jobs available in 2009. I needed to make more money and I wanted more challenge. Once I went down that road it was hard to turn back. Preaching was stressful and I was not curious to explore the lectionary any more.

Why am I superficial? Am I uniquely superficial? Selfish?

I don’t think I always was. I longed for love commitment place and purpose. I believed I had those when I was the hospice chaplain. Many times even just briefly I thought I had it. Hell this las job I felt engaged and committed to the cause. Was it circumstance personality skill. I wasn’t seen as valuable but truth be told I was laid off so the pistol wasn’t valuable and most people in leadoroles at that company leave or are fired after 4 months

Sex used to be more a need. Now it is just to alleviate ore dom. I need to ditch that