Tuesday night

7:32pm Tuesday night. The call came in nine minutes earlier. I checked the voicemail then called her back. She is a colleague in the LA office. I like talking to her. We commiserated about work. At one point she used her boyfriend for an analogy. I became jealous. I don’t know why. She has a boyfriend. I am married. After we hung up I felt irritable. I got water from the kitchen the went for a walk around the building. Another hot afternoon bore down on the parking lot. By the time I got back to my desk I was sweating and tired.

Monday

7:59pm Monday night. After finishing dinner I cleaned the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen. I called my daughter to find out how school went. “Hi dad, bye dad.” Were her only words. My wife complained about money. We discussed plans for the weekend. I hung up then washed my face and brushed my teeth before crawling into bed. I read an interesting article on blues music. Then turned out the light to fall asleep.

Night

7:58pm There are certain things I would always think about at night. I didn’t like thinking about them so I tried to distract myself. But then I would think about failure along with things I didn’t want to think about. The first thing I thought about was work. I would imagine the end of my career. How I wouldn’t have to work any more. The sweet release of freedom when I quit. Euphoria would wash over me. I obsessed over the weeks and months I had been working. The second thing I always thought about was the WIL. How her hair fell over her shoulders, the taste of her lips. I would get frustrated and begin reading a magazine or a book. Anything to change my thoughts for a brief second.

Wednesday

6:06am today is my daughters birthday. I feel terrible inside. We celebrated this weekend. She has plans today. But I still want to be with her. It was 13 years ago today, almost to the exact minute, the nurse handed her to me. Life often feels frustrating . The last thirteen years have not been easy. But when I remember that moment in the delivery room in Salt Lake City my heart floods with joy. Today will be bittersweet. I love my daughter and will be thinking about her. But work is pissing me off. I am sick of stress.

Help

6:22pm When my daughter and I returned from dinner we saw a woman across the way moving a table. Trying to be self sufficient she had placed the heavy table on a skateboard and was awkwardly rolling it down the path. The going was slow and every couple feet she needed to stop and reposition it on the board. She was going toward the car parking area that was still over a hundred feet away. “Let me help you,” I offered, jogging to catch up to her. She looked up, annoyed that she needed help but resigned to accepting it. “Thank you so much,” she replied. She was in her late forties, tall with long blonde hair that was becoming disheveled from exertion. She wore a white strapped top with a long green floral skirt covering her angular legs. Seeing that I would be occupied for a moment my daughter sat down on a nearby bench and began scrolling on her phone. The woman and I pushed the skateboard onto the grass out of the way. We each took an end of the oak table and began carrying it. As we walked my arms strained agains the weight. Sweat beaded on my forehead. The bottom of the table hit my legs and bruised my shins. I could tell she was struggling to but refused to take a break. “I am good,” she said when I offered a brief respite. We got to the parking lot. She approached a white economy car that had backed in. After opening the trunk we lifted the table over the edge and placed it face down. When we were done she thanked me again for the help. This time more effusively. I assured her it was no problem and I was happy to help. I even waved as she drove away. As I walked back to join my daughter the sun was beginning to set and the air smelled of sweet ocean salt.

Follow up

3:29pm By the time I got to Palm Desert I realized I couldn’t see my friend and make it to Dana Point in time. I texted her to say I got a late start. She replied, “Hi there. Bummer. See u next time.” When I got to the apartment I found a parking spot on the street. The sun was warm. A cool breeze blew off the ocean. I unpacked and changed then took the dog for a walk down the path that circled the complex. An overweight man nodded as we walked by. Kids on electric scooters raced down the path ahead of us. I felt content in the last remnants of the warm afternoon.

Travel

5:32am I am traveling to Orange County today. I will leave at 7am. Seven thirty at the latest. I am going to see my daughter for her birthday. On the way I am stopping to meet a work acquaintance. I have only talked to her over the phone. She said to to visit if I was passing through. Usually I travel on weekends. But today is Friday. When I called to tell her my agenda she seemed excited. “Stop by. I will show you around.” Our brief conversations have had a flirtatious energy. Nothing overt. Enough to make us curious to meet. She has an appointment that finishes at 12:15pm. I will plan to visit around 12:30. One at the latest. I will meet her then head south to spend the weekend with my daughter.

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.

Balance

2:02pm I am back in my office in south Phoenix. I went home for lunch. Now I am trying to finish up some tasks. My daughter and her friend want to go to a movie this afternoon. I am going to leave an hour and a half early to take them. I want to enjoy time with them. Tonight is the last night this trip. They leave first thing in the morning. It is important I focus on being present when I am at work and also when I am hone. I struggle with multi tasking. I can concentrate on work or on family but it is hard to do both. I am sure that is the case for most people.