Category: Relationships

Thursday evening

6:07pm sitting at the dining room table eating ice cream. My wife is watching a show online. The girls are playing a game. The dog just finished her dinner. 6:16pm as I wrote that the dog was acting suspicious . I took her out to go to the bathroom. Today was a wonderful day. We went to the activity center then ate lunch. After that we went back to the activity center and hung out for another hour and half. It felt so good to be out of the office. To not be doing the usual work routine. I knew I was stressed but I didn’t realize how much until I broke free.

Clarification

It is 6:10am in chandler. Still overcast and raining. I wanted to clarify one thing in regards to the WIL. I have let go. I let her live her life. the part of us that had the “affair” is gone. It no longer exists. But I still love her. I will always love her and am here for her when she needs me. What I am trying to say is we kept our love hidden. At first it was because we were young, sneaking around, having fun. As our relationship grew into something deeper it remained hidden so as not to hurt her husband and my wife. Now it is out in the open. Everyone knows. That is the way it should be. I don’t want to sneak around to be with the woman I love ever again. If we are together I want to be her boyfriend, her husband. I want to be the man she is proud to be with for eternity. I am not sure how she feels about me. I realize I will probably never see or hear from her again. But in my mind it is important to clarify where I stand. What my point of view is and how I approach our relationship going forward.

Family

4:49pm in the apartment. Went to the sporting good store earlier to buy shorts. Now I am home. I am not going out again. My wife called. Her, our daughter and our daughters friend are supposed to travel to visit tomorrow. My wife has a sore throat. She had work meetings with people from out of state. She is worried she is sick. I will see if they make the trip. I am here and ready for them to come whenever. I really want to see my daughter.

Friday Morning

5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.

Check in

11:20pm Tuesday night. Lying in bed. I Went to sleep early. Got up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind is working. Thinking about alcohol, sex, love, pleasure, work. The slate is wiped clean. I am resetting my beliefs. When neurons fire I attach thoughts. The thoughts attach to feelings. They become a pair. I feel something, I think something. I never change the combination. Over time they might evolve. But seldom consciously change. Today made me realize I need to consciously let go of the WIL. I no longer give my most valuable energy to her. She is gone. She has moved on. I accept that. I let her go as well. I have the ability to be intimate. I am able to fall in love. The most valuable part of me can be given to someone else.

The high

4:40pm in my office. South Phoenix. I spent the afternoon talking with my staff about kids, what they were like at school, ideas for marketing. I am just killing time until the day ends. I have been messed up since listening to the voicemail from the WIL. She was human heroin. I miss the feeling of being loved by her. When she texted me or we talked it took happiness to another level. There is nothing that replaces that. I accept that she is gone. I just missing getting that high.

Last voicemail

5:43am Tuesday morning. Sitting on my couch. Chandler. For a while the voicemail feature on my phone was not working properly. I could call and check messages but I could not see the history. I didn’t know how many messages I had or how far back they went. Not too long ago the feature started working again. I could see the messages. So I scrolled down and realized I had the last voicemail from the WIL. She left it for me almost a year and a half ago, the day after her husband found out about us. I have known it is there for a couple of weeks but I chose not to listen to it. The thought of hearing her voice and reliving the moment felt traumatic. However this morning a thought nagged at me. Was she waiting for me to contact her? Was she sad and confused I haven’t reached out? I had mulled this over many times in the last year and a half and always came to the conclusion it is not my place to take the imitative. When my wife found out about us it was up to me to make sure the coast was clear and we could at least talk. Still I wanted to be absolutely sure there was no question I should wait to hear from her first. I decided to risk the emotional pain and listen to the voicemail. I put the voicemail on play and heard her voice. She explained how the situation was fraught. That there was a “mirroring” app on her phone, a gps on her car. That she had to get tested for std’s and was going to be excommunicated from her church. . The message went on for almost two minutes. Finally she said good bye. it was the last time I ever heard from her. The next day she tried to call me when I was in a meeting. She didn’t leave a voicemail but texted me and asked if I could talk. I said “yes.” She never replied to that text or tried calling again. It has been over 500 days now. I realize She is gone. That I will probably never talk to her again. But the fire is never totally extinguished. So many years so many memories. Hopes, dreams, feelings came to end with a frantic last goodbye. “I promise I will contact you as soon as I can but please don’t text or call my phone because he will know and it just makes things really bad so…okay…I love you…Bye.”

Close out

7:44pm Monday evening. Lying in bed. I got home from work about a quarter to six. Changed clothes, took out my contacts, fed my fish then ate dinner. I watched the weather, some sports, comedy and a travel show. Called my mom. I tried to call my daughter but her phone went straight to voicemail. She seldom has her phone charged and keeps her ringer off. I tried calling my wife but she didn’t answer either. I will try again in the morning. I have better luck getting a hold of them then.