Category: Spirituality

Thought

6:15pm change is possible. 19 years ago moving to California I changed my schedule. Before the move and living in wyoming I always stayed up late. I drank beer. I chewed tobacco. To minimize exposure to my vices I started to go to bed early. Not staying up late kept me from indulging in things that were detrimental and it maximized the morning. The time of day I felt renewed.

God thoughts

5:52pm. Returned from Orange County. I didn’t stop in palm desert so no check in there. Talking with my daughter about creativity. Dreaming of being the chaplain. Listening to Camus’s The Stranger And Pirsig’s Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance on the drive. All that together led to existential pondering…The concept of god is who ever validates our thoughts and hopes. The belief in god exists on the plain of thinking about the past and the future. I remember the past because it brings me joy. I use it in the present to being me peace. Same with a hopes for future. Not because it is real or even achievable but because it brings happiness. Some concept of returning to the past is feasible. Some concept of obtaining a dream future is feasible. Finding god in some form of the ideal is feasible.

Me

7:46pm I meet people where they are. Even if they don’t practice organized religion they can “feel” a concept of god. I like humanism because it honors the individual journey. And to be honest it is the easiest path to endorsement. I just don’t wholly reject ethereal presence. Whether real or not the belief can provide comfort for a person. Bottom line, I do not promote any religious concept of god but I will honor someone’s understanding if that is what they feel.

Chaplain

2:15pm at lunch today I looked into being a chaplain. I have my degree. I have a work history. I have done clinical pastoral education. One thing I am missing is endorsement from an outside group. I checked out humanism. According to The Humanist Society “Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism and other supernatural beliefs, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of self fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity” They have an endorsement that is aligned with the Association of Professional Chaplains (APC). APC is the top board certification for chaplains. I need to do this. My energy flows positive when I imagine myself a chaplain/writer. I am tired of feeling like shit for money.

Who am I?

3:56pm I spend so much time trying to figure out who I want to be. I am always trying to change something, improve, grow, get better. I never examine who I am. I never really know what I am about. I don’t stop and say, “this is me.” I am a guy who is good at getting jobs. I like to get jobs. I am good at it. The interview went well this morning.

Monastery mornings

7:05am I checked the Salt Lake Tribune and noticed there was a new book coming out called “Monastery Mornings: My Unusual Boyhood Among the Saints and Monks.” The Author is Michael O’Brien. An attorney in Salt Lake City. The book is about his trips to Holy Trinity Abbey in Huntsville, Utah. I have written about the monastery before. (Side note: I need to start adding tags to posts) I often visited the monastery with my mother and on my own when I was a hospice chaplain in Utah. It closed four years. I still cry realizing I can’t go to the chapel and sit in contemplation.

The me of me

12:14am in bed Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I woke up from a dream ready to start over. Completely over. It is time to Re-examine the me of me. My arbitrary viewpoints are fluid. My perceived values are open. I Filter my personality and wash out that which doesn’t serve me. I am confident, happy and secure.,

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.