8:31am at work I think a lot on my morning walk. This morning I was remembering how I approached being the chaplain when I first moved to utah. Being the warrior, dropping into battle. Focusing on my tasks for the week then heading triumphantly home. I was following a similar model in Arizona. Saying I came out here after visiting home the weekend before last, spending two weeks in battle then claiming my reward. It made me think I wish I could work ten days straight. Then take four off. That would cut down on travel time and expenses. It also would minimize the time I spent In Unhealthy behaviors. While I was in the shower I had an idea. I will flip the weekends. Instead of seeing going home as the reward it will be part of a two or three week block that ends with one weekend staying in Arizona. I will work five days, which is good energy. I will travel Saturday and spend time with my daughter. Also good energy. Then travel Sunday. Work the week. Go back to California. Work a week then stay in Arizona. That give me 19 straight days of positive energy at work and as dad and only two days of the least enjoyable energy. It will cost more money. But it will be better for me as a person. Better as a parent.

5:53am This morning about two thirds of the way through my walk I thought about the WIL. More specifically, feeling dumped by her. My insides instantly soaked in toxic chemical energy. I started to panic. I had obsessed over this thought many times. It is destructive. paralyzing. Evil. I blocked the thought. I refused to hurt myself. I am in control of the narrative. I will not burn my soul with negative thoughts. I finished my walk. On the way back to my apartment I stopped by the gym at the complex. By the time I began working out I felt better. Taking control of my thoughts, avoiding a direct onslaught of torture minimized the damage. Still, the initial release of neural energy remained. Every song seeped sadness through my guts. It has been so long since I have seen her. Talked to her. Touched her. Yet she dominates every thought i have.

7:34pm getting ready for bed. Not much to say. My mind feels blank. Not often I am without some contemplation

9:27am there are three me’s. Alone me, with other people me. And work me. All my life I liked to be alone. Not doing much of anything but daydreaming. I would day dream about relationships. Achievements, ways I would be successful. But there was a disconnect. When I had to be around other people or go to work I didn’t see it as a chance to make my dreams come true. Rather as an annoyance to ens

Sure until I could go back to day dreaming.

Lockdown destroyed my enjoyment of being alone. I have changed. In Arizona,for the first time, I like work me more. I like spending time with other people. I hate being alone. I think too much. I drink too much. I get depressed. Now I live in the world instead of in my head. It isn’t always easy but it feels more natural. I am finally being who I should be.

A charismatic, decisive leader who accomplishes great things

Woke up a little after four. dragged the extra mattress the movers left to the dumpster. Worked out. Tried to get a quote for auto insurance. Got half way through the quote process when their website crashed. While trying to get the quote I searched for the trucks vin number. I found it in an old email my wife sent me nine years ago. There were three pictures attached to the email. The pictures were taken on a beautiful morning in front of our house in utah. It was nice to see the morning light. The house. The truck with its utah plates on. Hard to believe so much time has passed. I miss certain things about utah. My heart diminishes when I realize I will never have those again. That they will slip farther in the past, fade away, then disappear completely. So much beauty in that time. I could write a million words a day and it wouldn’t capture the moment properly. It is a secret only I will know. I will feel. I will cherish.

6:56pm. Long day. Went to the office this afternoon. There were some leftover ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. Sat on the couch in the lounge area. Drank cold water, ate ice cream and enjoyed the air conditioning. not a bad way to spend a Sunday evening.

1:47pm the movers left about an hour ago. Having the furniture feels weird. the last four months have been rushed. Change was forced on me. Probably for the best. I needed to get out of Dana Point. I needed a fresh start. Arizona has been adventure up to this point. I didn’t really slow down to think. I knew I was leaving “home” coming here. but it never felt permanent. Until now. Having the trappings of home with me in Adventureland changes the energy. I assumed it would. I thought I would feel more at ease. Secure. But the opposite is true. I feel exiled.

11:58am movers are still here. All the stuff is in the house. They have been unloading since 9:30am. It is hot outside. In the 90’s. The space is smaller than Dana Point. The furniture looks nice but cramped. I will move things around and make space.

8:16am I have moved all the temporary furniture out of the bedrooms and living/dining room. Movers aren’t here yet. I am sitting on the mission style bench in the kitchen. A little different perspective. I am drinking coffee, watching my fish. I have been feeding her from a trial packet that is almost empty. And is probably five years old. I bought her new food. The pieces are too big. She is struggling to eat them! I feel emotionally attached to the fish. She is my roommate. apparently I am pretty lonely. I am getting emotionally attached to my two little plants too. I need to re-pot them. An employee gave me some potting soil. I should do that later today.

When I first started as the chaplain living in Utah my wife was still in California. Bored and lonely I would grab my dog on Friday afternoons and head to wyoming. There I would spend time with my dad, mom and brother. I would go to church as a congregant ir as a worship leader (by then my dads copd symptoms had worsened. I was preaching every other Sunday) On Sunday afternoons I would drive back to utah. As I approached Weber canyon I imagined myself a warrior going into battle. I respected work. I accepted the challenge it offered. I saw my role as simple. I was to go in to the battlefield, give all my effort for the week, then on the next Friday return to Wyoming and family. Arizona has similar energy. I respect the work. I accept the challenge. I drop in for two weeks. I give all I have to be successful. To be a good boss. A good employee. After two weeks I return to my family and California.