I don’t miss utah. Or even the WIL. I don’t miss being a chaplain. I feel sadness because I never transcended.

All the time I was the chaplain I believed a great reward was coming. I believed fives years after I started I would find pure bliss. I counted the days in yearly journals.

Though I was in my thirties the belief was childlike. I convinced myself a magical life would be obtained. Inevitably I failed. When nothing happened, when life didn’t burst into uninterrupted joy, I was lost. I resorted to honoring the next best thing. the time leading up to the moment of failure.

Now I am a prisoner. I pay debt to a memory. I am trapped feeling I can never be so high again. I pine for a job I outgrew. I miss a place I no longer live. I love a woman who has moved on.

I am focused. Decisive. Sure if where I am going. What I am going to accomplish

2:04pm There is no possibility I could contrive success. My intuition is to be unique. Singular. I go out of my way to be different. That instinct ultimately results in alone and empty.

12:22pm still at work. Feeling of anxiety is not better. It is high energy, which usually would be good. I can’t find a productive outlet.

Anticipation. That is what it is. I anticipate something happening. The review tomorrow. The survey results. Admissions that never materialize. I am waiting for work to turn positive.

10:40am at work. Feel a bunch of energy in my upper lungs. I call it anxiety. I have to hurry up and do something. What do I have to do? The feeling is just there. More than a cause. Financial review tomorrow. Survey in the building. Planning for summer vacation.

6:03am I write these posts because I want to communicate. I write these posts because I want to be known. I write these posts so my experiences have meaning. I write these posts and dream they will become popular. I hope these posts could be a way to make money.

I would be mortified if people knew the parts of me I keep hidden. I would hate writing to entertain. I continue to write to be known. I continue to write hoping I am never discovered.

5:53am just woke up, Monday, Arizona. I dreamed I went to a lab next door to work. I wasn’t supposed to be there. It was almost five o’clock. Some guy came looking to use the bathroom. I told him no one could enter. We were closing and no visitors were allowed. I shut the door and locked it. He was angry. I turned away. Then Heard a noise. He pulled the door open and ran down the hall. I threatened to call 911 as he grabbed things off counters. I didn’t want to cal 911. It would be a hassle. I would have to explain why I was there. He made his way out. I locked the door again. Secure this time. My friends from high school approached. I told them we were closed. They wanted to know if there was any candy. I grabbed a handful off a counter and gave it to them. I had to leave. There was a big fundraising event that night. The son of a co worker was getting married the next day. I didn’t want to get in trouble for being where I wasn’t supposed to be.

6:35pm. Back in Arizona. Sunday evening. This weekend was great. I had no time to think. Therefore I did not get anxious. I woke up Saturday and drove to Dana point. I was barely there when my daughter and I went to the mall. Then we came home and rested. At 5pm we went out with her friends. Ate dinner. Took her friends home. We got in late by my standards. 9pm. Watched the rest of a movie. Went to bed. I slept well on my wife’s couch. It was comfortable. Better than sleeping on the floor. After waking up I took the dog for a walk. Went through the car wash as picked up breakfast. The house was dark when we got back. I turned on the television and watched Hamilton. The dog curled up next to me. I sipped coffee. My wife and daughter got up at 9am. My wife went to the store. My daughter and I ate breakfast. I left the house shortly after 10am. I stopped by the store before heading out. I was in the freeway by 10:30am. As I drove i listened to audiobook mysteries. Traffic was light. I Got to chandler at 5pm. I fed my fish, Ate dinner and Called my mom. Then I Called my daughter. Put trip stuff away. Brushed teeth. Thankfully I suffered no existential thoughts. No usual Sunday dread. I need to be that busy every weekend. My mind attacks my happiness if it isn’t engaged. That is why I don’t get depressed during the week. I am too busy. I stay busy. Engaged. Productive.

12:53pm Sunday. Arrived in palm desert. Drove from Dana point. Listening to mystery book on tape. The drive is almost effortless. I disassociate and let the miles roll by. Last week, driving up to globe Sunday afternoon gave me perspective. It is good to get in later. Eat dinner, go to bed

I am focused. Finish two weeks of work. Get paid. Return to Dana point. My daughter says she wants to do eighth grade at her current school. I didn’t bring up the subject. She casually mentioned it as I was leaving. We had been talking about summer plans. Camps in California and Arizona. I am not disappointed. I want her to finish school in California. My energy is in Arizona. All will work out. I trust we are happy. All will be great as she matriculates through school. We have balance. All is well.

9:38am I am impatient to get on the road. To complete the trip back to Arizona. Yet this moment is sweet. I took the dog for a walk. Washed my car. Bought breakfast. When I returned everyone was still asleep. I began watching Hamilton. My wife woke up and went to the store. My daughter and I are on the couch. I have nothing more important to return to today. I will be patient. Savor the moment.

The view high from the hills facing east in south Orange County is magnificent. Yet it is seldom seen. The open water to the west is alluring. A new perspective is good