4;54pm subtle shift in thinking. I am no longer performing for an internal make believe audience. The audience is interacting with people.

6:16am Thursday at home. I am done with Utah. California is where we raised our daughter. Where she calls hone. It is home for me now. It will be until I die.

10:58pm there is a scapula shaped energy that rises out of my body. Off center, behind my head, to the right. It glows red and hot. Often I call it anxiety. Removed from context it is a force. A force that wakes me. Drives me. Strengthens me. It is always present. Demanding interpretation. It can’t be diminished. It can’t be destroyed. I am always vigilant. The wrong application of meaning will melt the reactor of my soul. Every single thought I possess is in dereference to this energy.

1:51pm I spent my whole life trying to be known. I spent my whole life trying to be hidden. I failed at both

6:27am “When man is no longer able to look beyond his own death and relate himself to what extends beyond the time and space of his life, he loses his desire to create and the excitement of being human.” Nouwen, The Wounded Healer, pg 13

6:01am “Nuclear man no longer believes in anything that is always and everywhere true and valid…His life often looks like a playful expression of feelings and ideas that need to be communicated and responded to, but which do not attempt to oblige anyone else.” Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer, pg 11

2:20am Wednesday, work has arrived at the high spot. Time to use the cleaver. Change perception. Define reality. I write the narrative. I interpret the feelings. this is the moment I longed for. Take the path to success. My energy is pulsing. Pushing up from my stomach to my chest. Impulses. Telling me to get up. Work. Exercise. Think.

8:28pm watched my daughter perform in zombies. They set up a camera in the theater so people could watch. She had a big role. So proud of her. I enjoy watching her act.

5:43am Tuesday, I am feeling less run down. Still a little achy but I can go to work. I would rather drive. Go see my daughter. Go to wyoming. Even go to Nebraska. I feel a peace that I accomplished something. I savor that feeling.

5:30am Monday, feeling run down. Checked my schedule. One meeting. I will stay home. Five months ago my world changed. I lost my job and income. Friday was a milestone. It was the length of time I was at the previous job. The day was important to me. Getting past Friday proved I could survive. I feel relief. Peace. Exhaustion.