Funny that the same topic from this morning is still on my mind. I can’t go back to utah. I can’t get the WIL back. But the place, time, and memories of the job haunt me. My love for the WIL consumers me. She is in every thought I have. I haven’t seen her for almost a year and a half. I haven’t had any communication with her for over 13 months. But she runs through my blood. My owns neural tapestry. She lives in my heart. The more I try to deny the moment or the energy the stronger it grows.

I am cursed. I have been exiled from that which I love. I watch from the outside people live in my home.

The half life on the memories of utah are so strong they still block out every other experience. I am tired of worshipping a past I am no longer a part of. I don’t know the remedy. I suspect time. Or meeting someone else.

Change my script: I am energetic. Strong. Desired. Magnetic. I am a leader. I am the boss. I control my environment. peace radiates from me. Positivity.

I can build a home in Arizona. I found an energy I never had before with the boss energy. I still feel like I have a problem with commitment? Is that the word? The ability to stay in a situation. Be part of the solution. I am an experienced and trained leader. I have my mba. Yet I see how I get all excited and want to be wildly successful all the time. If things aren’t going great I feel like a failed and should leave. Or I deserve to be fired. I am a captain who took the wheel of the ship. I promise to see the vessel through the journey. But a static energy rumbles inside me. I always feel I am going to abandon ship or get pushed off. I marvel at leaders who stay at the helm through good and bad. That those who entrusted them to lead trust them when it is successful and when it is difficult.

I am physically and mentally drained by the first three months of 2021. I am thinking about flying to Orange County and bringing my car back. That way I don’t have to drive the truck back and forth again. I got it smog tested and registered last week. Today I am having it serviced. But it is a old truck.

This weekend is the last trip of the move. I am worried. Though I am exhausted I have been engaged in activity. That has kept me from overthinking. Which causes anxiety and drinking. This time next week will be a new reality. I am no longer half in Dana point half in Arizona. I am conflicted. My wife and daughter live there. I don’t have bad feelings. But I don’t believe there is really anything to go back to. I keep focusing on building a safe space in Arizona for everyone. For my mom, my daughter, my wife. Friends and extended family. I need to stay focused on the goal of buying a house and creating security.

All my emotional memories. The ones that pop in my head without effort are if utah. It is like the past nine years didn’t happen. I lived in that apartment in Dana point for five and a half years. My daughter grew up there. And yet it feels like leaving after a long vacation. I am broke tired and want to go home. Yet I don’t know where “home” is. Maybe after time Arizona will become home. Utah has happy memories but after so long there is no sense of home. My mom, family and houses are in wyoming. But wyoming is so fucking depressing I can’t even imagine going back. I am homeless. Morbidly all I think about as home is the plot next to my brother and dad in the cemetery in wyoming. I guess that will be home eventually

6:26am I know I mentioned this before but I still feel untethered. No matter what the chaos of work was the apartment (s) on the same street in Dana point was home. There was a place to return to. I have mixed emotions because I needed to get out of the current apartment but I have lost home base. Maybe that is how people always feel when they move. I always had wyoming or utah or Dana point. Now I feel adrift.

6;47pm no matter what I have or where I am I will want something else. If I stayed in Dana point I would want Arizona. If I had stability I would want adventure. If I had money I would want freedom. there is no “better” there is only different. And I long for what I love and don’t have.

I am sick of mourning what I perceived was lost so many years ago. That energy has dominated my existence for over a decade.

9:33am at work. Slept in this morning. I was exhausted. Good to have a couple hours extra rest. Thinking about living in the moment. That there is no better future. I still feel traumatized by the last job. I try to block it out but dread sits just below the surface. I have lost my innocence. I miss not worrying about getting fired, laid off or talked to. I guess I always had that at jobs but it only came up like around performance review time. And usually it was unfounded. Now I feel the hammer could fall any moment. This past weekend was good. Enjoyed Saturday with my daughter and even my wife. Sunday they planned to go to lunch wit LH friends. They left the dog at the house. Which was interesting because it brought up issues I hadn’t thought about. How I was always the one left behind. With no social outlet. Just hanging out with the dog. It made me glad I was leaving. Those moments made me feel empty and wasting away

California ending is the same feeling as when a long vacation is over. I had a good time but I am looking forward to getting back to work. I lived nine years as my daughters happiness being the priority. I spent too much but it was with it. Now I am back where I am familiar. Arizona/Utah/Wyoming doing work

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Seneca, Roman philosopher circa 65 AD

And semi sonic, alternative rock band circa late 1990’s AD