11:40am at work. I usually don’t have time to write at work. I am punchy this morning. Not sure why. I feel frantic. Distracted. Sent in information for car insurance. Set up truck registration. Figuring out health insurance. Today is the first day of school for my daughter in a year. She has done online for almost exactly a year. Maybe I am nervous for her. I am probably punchy because of the last post. Being honest about sex feels impossible. It is a house of cards. Reveal one truth and something collapses. Be completely honest and everything disintegrates. If I was honest my wife would hate me, my daughter would hate me. The WIL would hate me. And that is just the beginning. I would be ashamed and embarrassed

6:42am need a recap. I don’t think I can be completely free and honest with myself or anyone else for that matter until I truly let go of the WIL. I still desperately miss her. As long as I have hope or expectations I can’t be honest about love and relationships. Work I can be honest. but women, love sex, I am still guarded. I haven’t made amends. Found closure. Or given closure.

Going through the posts from last month makes me realize I chronicled my nervous breakdown. In just a matter of weeks I don’t recognize the guy I was in January. That is good

There is the counseling notice for employees in the copy room. It is free to call in times of crises. I never called it. But I need to talk to someone. Even if it is just so I know what it is like if I am in a similar situation.

Recap. Things I can’t be honest about. How long I loved the WIL. Our children. There. I said it. I am guarded because it is not only my secrets. It is not just my story to tell. It is our story. Her story. But we haven’t talked. I assume since she hasn’t reached out what she needs from me is to stay away. I am not hiding from her. From her husband. From responsibility. Actually I wish it would air out. If just to see her again. To know about the boys and how they are doing. There. That is honesty

6:19am at my computer in the living room. Last night I had a dream that I had to sneak in and grab my guitar from some post industrial warehouse. The details of the dream aren’t very important but I recall how confident I felt. That is in contrast to dreams where I feel slow, embarrassed, helpless or frustrated. I claim my confidence. I am a leader. I don’t back down. I am charismatic, charming. I am happy. At peace. Powerful. Radiant.

One thing I appreciate about Arizona and this period in my life is perspective. Many of the questions have been answered. 18 years ago when I went to Utah I had only volunteered with Hospice. I had not worked in the field. It was not the industry I would know for almost two decades. My dreams were still vague ideas about music, writing, performing. Now I have The Unaffiliated and The Thirty Day Job Cleanse. I have loved. I have had my children. I have said goodbye to people close to me. Now I can experience the energy of the 2000’s again with the perspective of wisdom and contentment.

My mind slows down at night. I am not overly tired. I am not stressed. I feel like I have good days. I am who I am supposed to be. The experience of the last two months is in the past. Ops review today went well. I am a leader. I am proactive. I am in charge

Filled out my first bracket for the tournament. Makes me think of my brother. Taking time off from work to go watch the games. Take a drive to wendover. This was always my favorite week of the year

I am still going to wrap these posts up into books and publish them. Just so I feel my thoughts are out there. That I am connecting with people. I haven’t had a chance to move posts to word in a while.

I keep feeling better about who I am and writing. Like the thirtydayjobcleanse was close to going over. In some ways it was. In others I had a long way to go. Leader. Voice.

I believe time will heal the narrative of California. I can already objectively look at the sales management time objectively. In a couple months I can roll all sales experiences together as a job not for me. The last job will be a distant memory. It really doesn’t register much now other than it is still not that far removed. By fall of this year being the director, living in Arizona will be the norm. And I can be me again.

I am writing this because I am not if I did before. My last year of baseball we were playing a doubleheader in Provo utah. Our shortstop got in a fight at the end of the first game after a hard slide. Wanting to avoid tension coach sat the shortstop for the second game. Not having a back up he asked me to play the position. I was good at a lot of things. I played outfield, pitched, 1st base and caught. So coach put me in and I promptly made three errors in three innings. When I came back in to the dugout he said “I think we sound the one thing you aren’t good at” to this day thirty one years later it still bugs me I didn’t do better in one meanfiless throw away game. I hate when a challenge comes up and I fail. Like California. I wanted to be rich successful. Be a good employee. Have a nice house and care for my daughter. But trying to have it all was foolish. I failed. California was me trying to play shortstop

I love my daughter more than anything. I cherish the memories of being with her as she has grown from a new born to almost a teenager.

I look forward to her being an independent self sufficient woman. I struggled as the parent of a young child. I could not figure out how to honor myself and care for my own inner child. I failed to find balance as a person as a father. That is hard to admit. I wanted to be everything and do it all. I hope she sees me as a good dad.