3:47pm went to the mall with my daughter. Got her device repaired. Bought pretzels and lemonade. Got some candy and a plushie. Came back to my wife’s apartment. Hanging out with the dog and daughter. Wife went to coffee with a friend. In an hour my daughter, The dog and I are going to dinner. Picking up a friend of my daughter. Meeting another friend. I will spend time with the dog. The girls will shop. Wife is going to dinner with the mom of the second girl. Everything is nice. Fun. Out of the ashes of chaos comes peace.

8:58am in palm desert. Driving to Dana point. My daughter is excited to see me. She has an appointment to get an electronic fixed. Then she is going to hook up with friends late. I will be the chaperone.

Strange feelings. Dana point was home for nine years. I moved there in April of 2012. My wife and daughter followed later. They moved from Utah in august of that year. I picked the city we would live in. I found the apartment. Our marriage was strained but we were making it work. My daughter was about to turn four.

Now Dana point is their home. I don’t have a place to stay. The apartment we lived in for five and half years is gone. The street I lived on for nine years is no longer my neighborhood.

I will sleep on their couch as a guest.

7:24pm I want to grab all the beauty I have ever seen. Hold it. Hoard it. Own it forever. I think of Utah. I think of the WIL. The memories off that time. Of her, blot out everything else

7:07pm I don’t post much at night. Usually I am tired. When I do write something it tends to be short. my mind is tired. My body is tired. I don’t have many deep thoughts at this time. Or much energy.

Who am I? How do I come across?

I am a leader. A captain. Charismatic. Decisive. Bold.

I grew up in wyoming. I went to school in Nebraska. Seminary in Berkeley. I have lived in many areas in California. I lived in utah in my thirties. I love utah. I mention it often. Home is utah/wyoming. I have a wanderlust. I like adventure. I was in California nine years. I recently came to Arizona. I found my best energy again. I am piecing together my mental, financial and professional well being.

I love a woman I can no longer talk to. I am married though my marriage is complicated. I am a father. I am a son. I question my relationships. Now and in the future.

I like to walk and workout. I try to fill my time with writing/tending my house.

I mention When I have free time I make bad decisions about alcohol and sex. But that doesn’t define me.

Leaving for work, 7:25am I am as happy now as I ever was. I am in the moment. Doing what I need to be doing.

Going back to thielicke I walked my journey “..in order that” I could get to where I was to do the greatest good. I was lost. So was this site. I was looking for stability. So was this site. We found each other in our times of need. It is a relationship that positively impacts thousands of lives. I am proud to be a part of it.

6:29am writing is how I claim a piece of ground. It is my realm. I own it. I don’t have physical space. But in My thoughts. I have ownership. When you read what I write you visit my house. You have conversation with me. We share. We connect. You might engage. Or just observe. But I am present. I am available. I am known.

6:11am. I have to remember to note time and place. Even a little background. I just spent 25 minutes in the uncomfortable camping chair, hunched over my ten plus year old computer, translating posts to a word document. My back and shoulders are sore. I got paid today. Transferred money to savings. First time doing that in a while. I still have thousands of dollars in debt. Tens of thousands. I could make a a bigger pay down. But I am going to keep cash on hand a little longer. It costs me carrying debt and keeping cash but it keeps me flexible. I have resources if needed.

I am 49. If I haven’t developed a narrative in my life by now I probably won’t. If my life doesn’t have a narrative my blog posts likely won’t either. I find my life amusing. Perhaps others will too. I want everyone to read my thoughts. I don’t want anyone to read them.

5:20am There is very little narrative to my thoughts. I barely finish a thought before I move on to another. There is not point. The largest narrative I have is to keep my head down and work this job until the end of the year. That is the longest thread. Work hard. Be engaged. Focus. Lead. Captain every day. Get the ship to port January 2022.

I had a good workout. Ride the recumbent bike. Did squats. Bench press. Flies. Tri ceos. I had a pump. I felt good. Then I saw myself in the mirror. I have a launch. My shoulders are rounded. Years of sitting at desks. Loss of muscle. Ineffective workouts. They take their toll. Getting older sucks