I am blessed. The mornings are beautiful. The sale of the company puts everyone on unfamiliar ground so I do not feel pressure on me alone. The lease gives me a time frame. I have a year to be alive. Be in the moment and enjoy life. Be a beacon of calm for my family, my company and the people that work for me

6:23am Tuesday morning. Finished walk and workout. Unloaded some boxes from the car. Still haven’t quite finished unpacking the trunk.

My energy drops into vulnerable child like mode while I sleep. I wake up around two am feeling small and scared. Wanting to avoid any work or stress. I calm myself and fall back asleep until five then get up and go my routine. All the while I am walking my mind wants to go down well worn neuro paths about larger purpose and the meaning of life. I want to solve existence. I catch myself doing that and can neutralize the thoughts so I don’t get frustrated. The cleaver helps me focus on the day. The task at hand. Be in work mode. I win. I am strong. I have outside. I am confident. Decisive determined.

6:35pm at home after dinner. I get in grooves of feeling strong. It isn’t all about me. My supervisor comes out tomorrow. I know if she likes me and I trust her it will go along way toward my experience on this job.

Happiness is usually shot down by fear or boredom. Fear shoots like darts. Quick. Popping my balloon. Boredom is like the air deflating.

My inner language is vital. I am what I am here and now. Previously I saw everything as a seeker trying to solve problems. I am happy. I am strong. I proud. I am loving. I am caring

I feel wonder and joy bursting through every moment. March first is the beginning of spring. New possibilities. I love this day

The priority is work. I am searching for something more positive than the cleaver. Something that is forced facing. But the cleaver will work for now. A lot of mental work this morning staying in the positive. My mind kept wanting to approach work with familiar but bad habits. Bad mind frames. Bad memories. I am a happy warm, inviting strong valued employee that works hard

6:55am moving is a process. Right now all my wife mother and daughter see are loss. The loss of the familiar. The loss of a nice place. They haven’t come to Arizona yet. They haven’t seen the peace, the possibility. It is a process. I am preparing the place so when they do come out they are excited. It is a gift I can give people. A new beginning. I am willing to work to provide that gift

Feeling invigorated. Excited about the future. I put some things from the bedroom out so I have familiar touch points. Made last big rent payment in Dana point. I choose to be happy. I choose to be full of life. It is a choice I get to make every day. It isn’t always the easiest option. Or an easy process. But I am in control of my thoughts and emotions. I am happy

I used to think I could out run a exited and depression. Or make enough money, have enough attention to build a barrier against them. Then I thought I could just give up and avoid them. Finally I thought I could grow old and wise. Outthink and outlast them. They are just thoughts and I am always thinking. I will always have aniexry and depression just as I will always have joy and happiness.

Sunday is the day I feel most sad. Preparing to get back into work mode. The whole week waiting to start. It already is prone to stress. Sunday has a unique energy. During the week I don’t have time to think and reflect. I go to work. I come home, eat, do some chores, read and sleep. Friday I am happy the week is done. Saturday I just look for ways to entertain myself. But Sunday is quiet and slow. That gives me time to think. And I usually think about ways my life was, or could be better. And that is not good. Set myself up for stress. Stress is caused by inner expectations. So of course sitting around thinking. Worried about work. Then I. Top of that add a million thoughts how life could be better. Or when it was better. That just grinds my souls away. I realized this as I was driving. Being aware of the pitfalls is good. I am great at identifying times I think negative and redirecting my thoughts.

Note: then I throw it away: I occasionally get stressed about the tenth job in nine years. I need to remember the cleaver. First day, new day starts now

12:04 back in palm desert. One my way to Phoenix. I can’t think of any Sunday scenario in the past nine years I would rather be doing. Weird not to be nostalgic for a past removed from the stress of the present. A new mindset.

Focusing on being strong and talented. Believe in my skills.

But if this job doesn’t pan out for whatever reason I am going back to being a chaplain. I have had my chances. I need to just survive.