Hook up sites. In a hotel. Feeling alone. I deleted my accounts. I have one left. Doesn’t really matter. I don’t have any sildenifil. A hook up site is like anything else. You have to put effort into it to get anything out. I haven’t put any effort into it for a while. I am out of the game. Wondering if I should look at a dating site…

Arrived in Phoenix about 1:30 mountain standard. Went to office. Saw outside. Didn’t go in. Found hotel in possible area to live. Looking for something no closer than 10 minutes/ no farther than 30. Found a couple neighborhoods in chandler/Tempe area. Will look more tomorrow.

Lots of thoughts. Weird to be posting actual physical activity. So used to just being in my head.

Main consideration is finding something my daughter will like. Close second is finding something my mom can come stay. First time in over 20 years not considering what my wife wants. Wasn’t sure I would ever feel that way. Seemed we were going to go separate ways for some time. Now that it is happening to feels strange. We really are separate now.

The same feeling with getting a house. Finding a neighborhood. Schools. I thought I did all that for the last time nine years ago.

Excited but dismayed. Look forward to a fresh start. Crestfallen at loss of previous life.

I am lonely. Our marriage wasn’t great but it was something. A relationship. I realize my wife has found emotional support with her friend. She is going to lean on her friendship to stay strong for our daughter. The WIL is gone. My wife is gone. Perhaps I will be a better friend, nephew, son now.

I want to date. Not for sex or love. Just to get to know someone. I am still doing the abstinence for a year.

Background check came in all clear at work. Recruiter confirmed start date in two weeks. No one is particularly good at emailing back with this company. I will fit right in.

Staying at a hotel brand the WIL and I used to meet in. Cleaving the past is front and center in my mind. Traded palm trees for saguaros.

Made it to palm desert. Left at 5:30am this morning. Eager to get to Phoenix. See the office, figure out a good neighborhood. find a place to live.

So many emotions. The energy is good. Excited to experience something new

These posts have to be depressions as a whole. I imagine a lot of despair with occasional reprieve.

I want to report some big glorious fun fucking wins!

Every breath is a camera click. A new thought developed. A snap shot. 99 out of 100 cause actual physical distress. ribs, stomach, abdomen seizing up. An invisible claw grabbing, squeezing, twisting. The snapshots that don’t hurt are tiny miracles. The tension abating glorious

Every single day. Every relationship, interaction. I consciously think about how I am going to approach people. What persona I will be. It is exhausting

One thing I love about the WIL is her personality. She is so confident. She doesn’t hesitate around people. She is who she is. Brash. Opinionated. Strong.

The WIL loves being around people. She enjoys being social. She knows who she is and is empowered sharing it with others.

I admire that. I envy it. I always try to be what I think someone else wants. There is no consistency. I don’t interact. I put on a show. What would it be like to actually look forward to and enjoy interpersonal activity? Fuck that sounds fun

Be honest, vulnerable. Accepting. Of myself

Earlier I defined myself as a broke unemployed job hopping home wrecking unfaithful. I define myself by negatives. By the WIL and her husband. by my wife. My employers. I am fucking vicious mean to myself. Seriously. If I talked to someone how I talk to myself it would be abuse. Torture. I have fucking absolutely destroyed my sense of self. My pride. Happiness. Time to be nice. Like myself again. That is so hard to do. I feel like society sees me as a self centered and clueless. That a man like me should be bashed. So I join in. Believe I deserve it.

I am trapped. If I don’t like myself or my narrative I am going to die or go insane. The only way out is accepting myself. Loving myself

This is the second time I have been laying in bed, full on panic attack and found relief thinking this record is my only salvation. My ministry. How I can share and find peace.

The wife said she is not going to go to Phoenix. At least not for now. Her friend is going to stay with her. She doesn’t need support from me.

Probably for the best. We are not together any more. I need to find my way. I am a little jealous. She can stay in Dana Point. This was the city I chose. She always resented it. Probably just resented me.

Utah was the challenge of being the chaplain. I set a goal. Be the chaplain for five years. When the five years were up utah didn’t feel alive any more.

California was defined by losing the job that brought me out here. Holding on. The plan was to hold on until my daughter graduated. I didn’t make it. I have to say I don’t care. I love my daughter. But it was a shitty goal. I was never really happy. Now the moment of truth. I am leaving. Can I find a new goal in a new place? Or am I spiraling out of control?

I just can’t find happiness any more. I am overwhelmed. I used to find islands of happiness. There were islands of sadness too. But there were always things to enjoy, appreciate look forward to. I am having a hard time finding them now.

I am scared. I feel physically sick. Disappointed. Hopeless. I need to find my purpose again. Share my peace.

I don’t have the courage to stand behind my words or actions. I do things I am embarrassed about and try to hide them. I say things I think make me look weak and I try to hide them. All I do is try and hide from everything.