What am I looking for? What would be success to me? I don’t know. Waking up being proud of who I am, what I do and what I have accomplished. Pride. I was a success as a hospice chaplain because I was proud of who I was, what I did and what I had accomplished. I blessed and released chaplaincy. I don’t need to go back. But I have not been proud of work in some time. On a macro level my identity is I am my daughters father. When I think of her I am proud of who I am what I do and what I have accomplished. I love my daughter more than anything. When I look back at this time I will say clearly that was who I was meant to be. But in the time, right now, I didn’t expect my work, finances and living situation to collapse around that love and identity. That has been a bummer. I am proud I am her father. But my failure in all those other areas embarrasses me. How can my daughter be proud of me if I can’t function in life? Take care of her? Provide for her? Be in the same state as her? In the last post I mentioned how I was obsessively self centered. On some levels that is true. But on other levels I am more giving of the little social energy I have. I just give it all to my daughter. If I have a limited resource I have to spend it wisely. My ability to interact with people is valued but in short supply. I don’t mind. I am an introvert. While I like being with people it drains me. I need a fair amount of time to recharge after even short social interactions. That is why it might be best to be in Arizona alone for a while. Live a monastic life. Work, apartment sleep. No other activities. It kills me to say that but I need to focus on balancing my entire being or I am going to destroy myself and be of no use to my daughter or anyone for that matter

1:30am in bed I am extremely self centered and inner focused. To the point it is obsessive behavior. And detrimental to keeping a job. Or having meaningful relationships.

I thought about the article I mentioned. To really write something valuable I need to research, share information, other viewpoints. Other opinions. If I research I get overwhelmed. I latch onto one kernel of information and roll it around in my head for hours. Days. Even losing the other persons intent or larger focus. Meaning one sentence could trigger in me a train of thought that goes well away from the other persons viewpoint or opinion.

My question: this is a behavior that has negative consequences. It has cost me jobs, relationships, money. But I can’t stop doing it. By definition that is an addiction. Look at these posts. I have written over 50,000 words, hundreds of posts. How many sentences start with I or me? How many involve other people? Except to mention them in passing or they are two dimensional characters mentioned because they are in my thoughts, not necessarily because I spent meaningful time with them. I have always been introverted. Enjoyed time alone more than with people. But I have lost balance.

I need to start working. That will help immensely. This has been way too much time alone with myself. No one will be happier to go sit in an office than me next week and actually talk with people other than my own inner dialogue

The anxiety and depression didn’t boil over tonight. So weird. Like I am on medication but I am not. Not being consumed with either feels strange . Like having the hiccups for a long time. I got used to being out of whack. I don’t know how to act when I am not dealing with crisis. Abnormality. Fear,overwhelming anxiety has been so present it is my normal. Crazy. Why do I do with peace and contentment!!

Daydreaming I contemplated what I truly want to do. Take these posts. Narrow the focus, create articles. Presentations.

It is almost 7pm. I haven’t been compelled to write anything. Good or bad. Weird feeling. Dog came to visit while wife and daughter shopped for my birthday. Daughter was dressed up, wearing earrings, hair done. She seemed genuinely excited about her appearance. So different even from last week! And she is excited about seeing her new room in Arizona. I am eager to get there to start setting it up for her. Send her video of her space. Give her a chance to decorate it.

Time to leave. Not much hope for transcendence any more. Just trying to find a peaceful place to exist. Put on an honest effort. Be accepted for who I am. I tried to conquer the world. I have been humbled. The last theee posts were written between 2:20pm and 2:35pm

I am sad today. You can be doing the right thing. Doing what you need to and still be sad. Joining the army, going to college. Deploying. Leaving is hard no matter what

Today has even strangely peaceful. The anxiety has not boiled over, just simmered. Went to the store with my mom. Able to talk candidly about how depressed I have been during lockdown. Accepting the final days of Dana point are winding down. Tomorrow is the day we will celebrate my birthday. Doesn’t feel to celebratory. We will make do.

I expected as I got older things would be easier. That I would have confidence, assurance and could cruise to success in life. I worked hard at the last job before the layoff. I tried my best. I failed. I am terrified I am broken and even when I give my best effort I am going to rub people wrong. I can accept not being liked but it has created chaos and fear for my daughter. It has destroyed my finances. How did I become so unlike able people can’t wait to get rid of me?

There has always been dueling energy inside me. One is the desire to win. Compete and conquer. The other is to relax, let go. Rest. For the most part I just accepted each. I could find balance between the two. Lately I am scared of the rest part because now death seems like rest. Rest equates to depression. Rest means letting my guard down and losing my job. I am scared of failure again