A grizzly bear does not have one set place but roams a territory. This is considered their home. My grizzly bear territory is a diamond shape that extends from Evanston wyoming to north Ogaden utah to west wendover Nevada to the place where the 215 and 15 intersect in salt lake county. If I am in that area then I am home. When I die and you wonder where my ghost soul will reside it will be there. And if I may be so bold to assume she loves me and misses me like I do her I will stay close to west Weber county the most

I have connections to six states. If the Phoenix opportunity pans out that will be the seventh. Really five and six

South Dakota. I was born in South Dakota. I spent the first decade of my life there. I don’t have a desire to return but it is my foundation.

Wyoming. Wyoming is where I grew up. Where I graduated high school. Where I returned to every year of college and seminary. Where I had my first job. Where I own property. Where I was married, baptized my daughter. Where my father and brother are buried. Where my mom will be buried. Where I most likely will be buried. Wyoming is ground zero. Absolute reset. It is where my roots run repeat.

Nebraska/(council bluffs iowa) iowa is the technicality state. My paternal family is from the council bluffs Nebraska area. My paternal grandparents are buried in iowa. My maternal grandparents are buried in Fremont. My maternal grandfather graduated college in Fremont. My dad grade college there. My parents met in Fremont. I graduated college there. My brother and I went to school together for a semester.

Utah. I could right a million books about utah. Utah is my spiritual home. The WIL lives in utah. I am crying as I write this. During the greater time of my life, the falling in love, the Chaplain I was in utah. It was the place I lived and built my first true foundation instead of living where my parents or family lived. I love utah with all my soul. When the circumstances of life evolved and I felt I could no longer stay in utah my soul withered. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss the mountains, the feeling of belonging, the experience of love I found in utah. My daughter was born in utah.

California. I went to seminary in Berkeley. I did my internship in paradise. I lived in Valencia. I lived in Modesto. I lived in Orange County. I have worked in some capacity in almost every area. When I grew up I romanticized California. My wife is from the central coast. We have raised our daughter here. It is her home and where she is connected.

Like a football player that became permanently and severely disabled physically I became disabled emotionally.

The inability to commit to a job, to be invested in a relationship all stem from my experience over a decade ago. I always believed I would be “cured.” That it would resolve.

I don’t believe that any more. I must come to acceptance.

The events of last year are not the catalyst. I would be disabled even if the WIL and I were able to connect. I changed as a result of the experience of being the chaplain, of loving so deeply. The events of the nine plus jobs and meandering career path are results.

I am not complaining. I lived a great life and regret nothing.

I woke up from a nap and saw the afternoon light filtered through high clouds. The view was peaceful. When I was younger I would have looked at it and plotted how I could possess it forever.

Now I know it is a moment that is given to me. A moment that will exist, fade, and reappear. Or perhaps slip away forever. There is no way I can possess.

I have lived a life better than I could imagine. Being a hospice chaplain captured the feeling of having a job I loved and excelled at.

I got to fall in love with the woman I consider beyond perfect. I knew what it was like to have that feeling reciprocated. I saw the birth of my children. I enjoyed the mountains of utah and the ocean in California.

I can’t possess these things. I can’t horde them and make them solely mine. I am just thankful I had my turn to experience them.

As I have grown older my energy is on duty. Duty to be a good son. To be available for my mom.

To be a good father and support my daughter.

Those are the things I do now. They are not as adventurous. But they are important and what I am called to do

When it comes to the WIL am I in love with her as a woman, the concept of who she is or could be? Or the memory of what we were?

I love her as a woman. However I can’t assume she still loves me. She hasn’t tried to reach out to me. Obviously there are reasons why. But it still destroys me.

The concept is a vague notion where I make her be whatever I desire. This was an attribute of our relationship. We didn’t fill in every detail. The unexamined parts never were fleshed out. She could exist in reality and fantasy. Do I love her so much because I could ultimately make her who I wanted?

When we were US, when we started together we talked all the time. We shared every thought, emotion and moment. It was intense. And not sustainable. I cherish that time and think about it always. Are my feelings the left over half life of a moment when a much younger man a d woman fell passionately in love?

I have been thinking about the WIL. She has been the center of my world for so long. Her loving me validated who I was.

We didn’t have the time to see each other or talk like we did in the past. For many years we communicated and met incessantly.

I don’t know how to frame experiences without the reassurance her love provides

Probably too much information but I threw away my sildenafil. So there is really no way to have sex without planning and a trip to the pharmacy

I am compelled to write these posts for selfish reasons. To have a sense of connection. A purpose for the things I have done. A confession? A way to have power over anything?

But something worth reading is about discovery. You are on a journey just like me. It is that twist where the selfish writing meets the needs of the selfish reader.

I have checked all the news sites. Read all my emails. Checked my texts. Applied for a job. It is 8am. I am bored. I voted for caucus candidates. I am writing this post because I don’t have anything to do.

I am ready to start over. I don’t know Phoenix. I have been there a couple times. Been to the airport even more. Seems like a nice place. I really don’t have an opinion about it one way or the other.

I can go to Phoenix and start over. I am exhausted. The over arching experience for me in Orange County has been a never ending carnival ride. Nine jobs in nine years. NINE!!! It is so absurd. I am looking for my tenth!

I have my theories. My personality traits, the abundance of talent in the market. I have been in both sides of the hiring desk. When you post a job in Southern California you get a dozen extremely qualified applicants the first day. If a talented labor pool is a commodity there is no scarcity. It makes you feel as a hiring manager that you can easily replace people.

I am not making excuses. Whatever the case I need to get off this ride. I need to see life from a new perspective. If that is Phoenix so be it