I went to seminary when I was 22. I earned my masters of divinity when I was 26. I had just graduated from college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I pursued a master of divinity degree because I was avoiding making life decisions. I was buying time. From a childish decision came a career I was proud of.

I started pursuing my MBA when I was 34. I earned my degree when I was 37. I went into sales to challenge myself. To make more money. To provide more for my wife and daughter. The reasons for my mba and sales career seem selfless. Noble. From a caring decision came a career that crushed me

I suck at sales. I am happy to market as an operations director. An executive meeting with people and presenting our service. I loved marketing as a chaplain. I had credibility. I was a care provider first and foremost. A dedicated professional taking time to share my passion.

Marketing as a chaplain or a director makes my energy flow in a positive direction. sales as a singular focus drains my soul. Dale Carnegie advised to “avoid the acute angle” when dealing with people. Sales for me was an acute angle. A good chaplain validates your viewpoint to find peace. A good sales person invalidates your viewpoint to disrupt your buying pattern. A chaplain is seen as someone who gives. A sales person takes.

The change in career damaged me. I loved being a chaplain. I spent four years in seminary, studying learning, doing ministry. I earned a masters of divinity from an accredited institution. I completed thirteen units of clinical pastoral education. I preached hundreds of sermons. Performed wedding ceremonies, baptisms, funerals. Led prayer groups, bible studies, guided meditations. I spent hours deliberately working to calm my energy so when I walked into a persons home they felt peace in my presence.

I gave that up. It is easy to see in retrospect the trouble I would have with sales. I worked as a professional chaplain for 11 years. I worked in sales for eleven years. The memories of being a Chaplin fills my heart with happiness. The memories of my sales career hollows out the core of my soul.

I accept the choices I made. I appreciate the lessons I learned.

I used the concept of the clear un polluted neuron freeway in my walk this morning. Not just with the WIL and relationships. But with work. Phoenix is a new beginning. Utah was being the chaplain. I bless and release that version of me. Orange County was the sales version of me. I shove that fucker in the closet and throw away the key. Phoenix is a clean slate. Phoenix is the operations director version of me. I am beginning anew

My wife is stressing. She sees stability disrupted. Phoenix changes her life. Whether she follows or not. Phoenix changes everyone’s life.

Next week I will find a home in Phoenix. My door will be open to all. Once there is a place anxiety will lessen. When there is a safe space there will be possibility.

My wife has wanted to move for years. She complains about Orange County. She wants to change jobs. Phoenix can provide a fresh start for her as well. My hope is in the summer/fall my wife and daughter will join me. My wife can take time. Find a place for her. Her job is remote. She can take it with her. She can look for a new job in Phoenix.

There is possibility in a new place. I will create a safe space and welcome everyone

Last night I had a couple drinks and started thinking about the WIL. I was sad and wanted to reach out to her. I didn’t and wouldn’t.

I went to bed. A couple hours later I woke up to go to the bathroom and had a mindset almost implanted in my brain. Ther is a new neuro pathway that was built. Almost like a new feeeway. It is empty. But I see it as a road to happiness in a relationship with someone else. The pathway is not built by actual neurons firing. There are no feelings from someone else. But this road is built. Even in just theory.

I am going to park on it. Even if there is no traffic. I would rather sit on a new possibility than keep banging my head

I have made a decision to limit device use. That means limiting scrolling job boards. Hook up sites. Porn. I can’t say I feel better. I will know more when I get to Phoenix. When I start a new job. I just stayed in superficial surface relationships. With jobs. With people. The hypothesis is by not accessing places to indulge superficial connections I will be forced to appreciate scarcity. I will commit deeper to those I do have relationship with. I will cherish a stable job. A friendship. A genuine new connection.

I am ready to meet the new me. The Phoenix version. I want to know who ever I am from that perspective. I bless and release Orange County me. Time to move forward, never backward. That was the theme at my daughters catholic school in fourth grade. Always forward.

When I am out and about keeping busy I am excited about Phoenix and starting over. The drive to Valencia and walking on the trail cleared my head. Gave me new perspective.

Then I came back to the house. I see all the things I will leave. My energy goes sideways. I think about getting my truck ready for sale. But I want to see if I need it for the move. I want to find a place to live. But can’t tell much from just pictures. I am wound up with no energy dispersal. I get grouchy and punchy. Trying to stay calm. Enjoy the day. Hope everything pre employment is taken care of. Drug test tomorrow. Leave for Phoenix Monday to check it out. Find a place.

Before my wife and I moved to utah we lived in Valencia California for a year. I drove up here to go on the walk I did every morning with my dog. As I was driving I was reminded how much I fucking loved this place. How magical it felt to live in the Los Angeles area. How I loved coming back to visit family when we moved to utah. to see the area again and go for the walk. Even living in Orange County we would come visit and I would make it a point to go for the walk along the trail that was behind our apartment.

I love Dana point. But it was where I was to be at that time. Just like I loved Valencia. And centerville. I am excited to discover a new place in Phoenix. Hold new memories.

Home is where I make it. Phoenix will be just as strong a home to my daughter as Orange County because I will always provide a safe place from the world for her just as my dad did for me. She will build ties and memories just as I did in all the places I lived. She will be alright and so will I.

Driving through Los Angeles county I realize how stressed I have been. I designed a game of stress. That living out here is so valuable. And everyone was trying to take it away. I was always fighting to hold on. Realizing I can quit the game and move on is a huge relief.

I am looking forward to finding a nice place to live. One thing about where we are now is the apartments have been old and shitty. Shorty plumbing, dated fixtures. The price premium is for location. Not amenities.

I was also thinking about my wife looking at jobs I could apply for in Orange County. I am emotionally invested in Phoenix now. I don’t think I would take a job in Orange County. It is time to move on.

For the first time in over 10 years I am feeling something like hope. The ending of being a chaplain, becoming a parent, leaving utah was consuming. The grief demanded all my emotional attention.

Phoenix seems unknown but it is huge for a reason. People like living there. Once I have a place everyone will be excited, not nervous.

I don’t talk about this much because it hurts but I have to.

In 2017 the WIL started pulling away. She still loved me in her way. But I could tell it was different. After years of being so calibrated the slightest change is huge. She is beautiful. I am not there. She gets a lot of attention. I am sure another guy came into her life. Even though she is married.

She texted me but they were perfunctory . She would pick fights for no reason. They lasted longer than necessary. and based on frivolous things. She was happy to put me on the back burner for a week or two. When we were together it was still magical. But they were two or three times a year. She put on a show for me while I was in town. She was with me for nostalgia. Good old memories. Perhaps a feeling of obligation.

I would leave. She went home. we went back to our separate lives.

I am haunted we are not us any more. Admitting something so perfect has diminished wrecks my guts even now.

Her husband finding out was a blessing. It gave her a reason to finally let go. It is honestly a blessing for me. I don’t need to keep holding on to a dying rose.

She is gone. She was gone three and a half years ago. I will be fine. one day at time. I will heal. I will move on.

Fuck. This is hard to write. Admitting the truth hurts