The VP job is with a large National company. There are 17 direct reports. Yet they are not promoting someone. No one is stepping up to take the job or the company doesn’t believe any of them is qualified.

These jobs are as shallow and two dimensional as I am. Having been in operations for the last couple months I can tell you there is no result good enough to satisfy. These jobs wring as much from you as possible and then turnover staff to create the illusion of progress.

The only job I liked since being a chaplain was on I was promoted from within. Even then it was a tough place to work with high turnover but at least the sales division had consistent and considerate leadership.

The best jobs with healthy companies are not seen by people like me because they have a pipeline of relent they train and promote.

I am a hired gun, a mercenary or soldier of fortune (not saying to sound cool)

Even if I get the job they will ride me to grind down and put the screws to the frontline staff. Then they will grind me down. Then the boss will get ground down.

I am always checking the job boards so I know the jobs that come up every three to six months. They bring people in and push them out. Managing by chaos.

In the last 5 years I have sold (or attempted to sell…)

Skilled nursing services (post acute care)

Hospice

Real Estate

Insurance/fainancial products

Healthcare training

Healthcare business office support

Business consulting

The reason I have had so many jobs is because the thing I am best at selling is myself for a job. If you look at it that way I have an amazing track record and am a world class sales person. Obviously I have a high opinion of myself. I believe in myself. I can sell me because I am passionate.

This is a deeper existential question….

Is there something outside of me, a person, product, service, place or even “widget” I believe in?

Am I so deep on my own head that I don’t connect with a third party?

With job hunting and sex there are two parties. Me and the other person with mutual interest. But that is not a big tent. That is not inclusive. There are no friends and allies I am helping. There is no third party I bridge to another party. I am missing so much more in life. I live a two dimensional flat existence. I want to connect, build a team and sell with the same passion I have for myself. I love myself, why can’t I love others just the same?

I thought my thrill of the hunt get job/sex mentality would translate into a successful sales career. Cold call people, generate interest and close the sale. Cash out and move on to the next score.

However with jobs and sex there is mutual interest. A company wants to hire an all star and make profit. Another person wants to find a satisfying intimate experience.

The flaw is in sales there is no mutual interest. I struggle to generate interest which a good sales person can do. Has to do.

Maybe that means I am a failure. Perhaps I haven’t found what I truly can sell effectively and believe in enough to generate interest from another party.

I heard back about the job in Phoenix. Phone conversation tomorrow afternoon is set

I realize I am most engaged in the process of the hunt. I know I said that before. How can I translate that drive focus and energy to being committed to a job? To a relationship?

There is a parallel process to job hunting/job performance and my approach to relationships and sex.

I really feel I need outside counsel. To speak with someone that can look at my behavior objectively and offer observations

I am in a good place. Don’t panic or take the first job offered or fall in love with one position.

I feel working for Amedisys was good but taking a step back in position was detrimental. I am not going to take a job and be underemployed again.

Life gives me waves 🌊 there are unique circumstances circumstances that constantly come up and I must navigate them. They might be short, lasting a moment. Or a day, week months, years. They are waves and I must ride them with the skill and understanding I possess

If you kill all your sacred cows eventually you just have an empty field. I can’t “solve” life and find the one perfect perpetual wave. I am basically the same person I was when I was 15 and just navigating the waves I have experienced so far

Update: I never heard back about the VP job. A good recruiter and an interested hiring manager would have set the appointment yesterday afternoon. There are other options. I am not sure I wrote that I was contacts for an executive job in Phoenix but I missed the email. I wrote back but it might be too late. The company I applied for in Las Vegas looks at my resume. We’ll see if there is interest. I have been having a pretty good hit rate in application responses so far. Now just get a good one and close it

Conversation with the recruiter went well. Hiring vp checked my profile on LinkedIn. Did a predictive index assessment. Waiting to hear if interview will happen

Right after I wrote that last post I was contacted regarding a vp role with a national company. It is right in my wheelhouse and skill set.

When you are job searching you only need to get one. It is a numbers game. Only one has to like you, not everyone

I am tempted to dismiss my ego as something that took me away from my calling. When I didn’t worry about money, titles or possessions I simply served as a spiritual counselor and that was enough. I doubt that is fully true

I have a pain in my ribs on the right side that I have had for years. It always seems like my organs are swollen. I believe it is where my pancreas and gall bladder are. It has always been present but is more pronounced. I feel like I have digestion issues and blood sugar issues because of it. It is more an issue than a problem. No one lives forever and something has to take us. No guarantees

Last night as I lay in bed I imagined a scenario where an earthquake rendered my house uninhabitable. If I had to leave immediately were would I go?

I would take my mom back to wyoming and then I would go down to utah, get a utah phone number and a private mailbox with a physical address and look for work.

I would look on south salt lake county and utah county because there is less emotion attached.

I would look for work in the broader healthcare operations or sales. The words that kept repeated it when thinking about it were “spiritual” “leader” and “owner.”

The tension eased in my rib and my soul opened up