Losing a job like that would be hard. With the pandemic it was a double bad beat. I have had way too much time to think about it and not an ability to use coping mechanisms.

The pandemic is a double defeat. Not only do you lose the things you like. Movies, concerts, restaurants, flying, gambling. But you lose the contrast that makes NOT doing those things so fun. Having a beer and watching a movie instead of going out was much more empowering. Now it is the only choice. It feels empty. There is no either/or of going out or staying in. Even for a guy who would choose stay in 9 times out of 10 it has disrupted equilibrium.

I am losing my mind. Not joking ha ha funny. Losing my mind like my thoughts can’t focus. This fucking sucks

When I needed to reset I traveled back to wyoming/utah. I spent time in my childhood hometown. I visited the state I loved the most. I got to be with the WIL. I traveled to wendover and gambled. Losing that because of the WIL the pandemic and my mom coming to stay with me has really knocked loose a pillar of my thought. I don’t know how to reset. Where baseline is when things go bad.

I am a little concerned how quickly my mood changes. I can be fine one minute then feel hopeless the next. I have panic attacks at night. This past month has been exhausting. My thoughts are fragmented. Why wouldn’t they be? Maybe I am just dealing with a lot of shit…

I broke bad with the layoff from this past job. I am resilient. I don’t spook easily or become hopeless. I believe there always is an out. Things were extremely tight inthe fall. The job was salvation. To have it disappear so abruptly was harsh.

I want to move and grow. But there is an undercurrent of resentment that I have to. Residual of nine years of hanging tight in adversity…

I am going to have coffee with a former work colleague. It will be nice to see someone. With the pandemic and work I have spent too much time in my own head

Southern California is not the problem. I am not leaving because it is a bad place. I am leaving because I need to completely change my perspective on life. I am who I am in Orange County and will be that guy. Same as I was who I was in utah. I am going to see the world from and Arizona point of view for a while. Arizona might be great it might not. I might stay I might not. But it is the place from which I will view the world next

I have a desire to be known. A drive. Not to be famous or recognized. The drive is primal. I don’t want to die and not have the thoughts in my head written down somewhere. I have lived so much in my own mind I feel like I was never really known. How I felt about people, places, things. That I had a deep inner life yet I barely communicated it.

Keeping this site public at least gives the opportunity to discover. I don’t feel comfortable marketing or screaming look at me. I will package these in some form of book. Not that anyone reads books.

I have always had a creative streak. Since 2017 I legitimately tried to start my own consulting coaching business. I didn’t succeed but I am proud I tried. Now the domains are coming do and other subscriptions. I am blessing them and letting them go. I think about what I wrote last night about producing. That really resonates with me. With the job interviews and sex I was selling myself. They are not productive or safe but I didn’t have a positive place to put that energy. These posts and putting them out there are selling me. I have not been a great guy but I might be learning something

The funny thing about anxiety is I always believed it was caused by the stress of a job and having to do what I don’t like. I am anxious now and I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.

Writing down thoughts as they come show just how contradictory emotions are. How the fuck do I function?

There are so many perfect endings in life. The problem is the camera just keeps rolling after the moment. I am fine with accepting the end of jobs, relationships and places. But then the script makes me have to continue on. I wish I could close out some stories. Bless them, release them, move on

I am transferring all these posts to a word document.

I harbor closing i have the discipline to edit these into a cohesive and engaging narrative. The move, job and the WIL move narrative along which is engaging. A lot of it is boring to read even for me!

This past month has been difficult. I have been stressed before. The last year and a half were stressful. Worried about work performance. Job security. This has moved into losing my marbles territory. When I am stressed I can cope. Isolate the problem. Breathe deep. Focus on something else. I can’t identify the enemy right now. I can’t find a through thread to keep me on target.

The last non negotiable was staying in Southern California until my daughter graduated high school. That is gone. Either this liberates me or sends me spinning out to orbit untethered.