I get so anxious. Deep breath. Just stop thinking and relax.

I told the guy I was available to start first of the month. I really should be more worried and concerned about money I suppose. Or work. I want to work but when I think about it I seldom get excited

My sexual history always seems despicable in my mind. Like I am a deviant. It is the dark side of the moon. it is there but never really discussed or seen. Nobody, even myself, knows the full details of it. The results of my actions and my behaviors surface from time to time to give a glimpse of what I did or am doing but the full story is seldom told

My mother and father gave me the advice to marry for friendship not sex. That sexual attraction would ease. That you need to have more in common

sexual attraction had already eased by the time we were married. At first it was good because it was new. Honestly in my opinion it never was bad. I don’t know how it stacks up to other married couples

We met at a wedding in Santa Barbara. The bride was my friend in high school in wyoming. She then moved to California and became friends with my wife. I was on internship in paradise pretty far away but my best friend in high school flew to San Francisco so I picked him up and drive down. I didn’t plan on going to the ceremony. We left on Thursday and got in that night. Even though I knew the bride I wasn’t invited. I went just to hang out with my friend. Turns out, unbeknown to Travis the wedding was actually Friday not Saturday. I decided to attend the ceremony. Hungover and broke I spent twenty dollars at a discount clothing store to bu wrinkled pants and a halfway decent shirt. I met my wife at the open bar. We talked. Later at the reception when the music started I looked for her to ask her to dance. I saw her as she was walking toward me and beat me to the question. We danced and talked all night. She stayed in our hotel room. We fooled around a little bit didn’t fully have sex. I was a Lutheran minister intern and she was a semi good catholic girl. We maintained a long distance relationship the rest of my internship. Mostly her flying from Burbank to Sacramento and me picking her up and driving back to a paradise. When I finished my internship we talked about marriage. We thought about living in Portland Oregon Los Angeles area. Finally we talked about staying in wyoming. I got my job and she moved out. Our engagement was rocky. We had been apart the whole duration of our relationship. Now we live together. We postponed the wedding. She almost moved back to California. Eventually we decided we loved each other and got married am more than a year after we were engaged

The weekends are very bad. I get restless. With nothing to do I usually resort to drinking. Drinking used to open up a world of possibility. Now it just is a distraction to kill a few hours. When I drink my guard starts to come down. I want to connect with someone, flirt or more. Sex itself is not necessarily the only outcome. Often it is not. But talking with someone about sex is alluring. It creates a Chenicak rush

This weekend there is football. I usually have some drinks so I assume I will again.

I was thinking I would be tempted to reach out to people but I think I am more inclined to want to date someone. I am a secretive person. I hide what I am doing all the time. I’m even if it isn’t lurid. Not hiding shit is starting to feel liberating. I spent so much time loving the wife of someone else. We were each other’s secrets. That was powerful but after a while it became a burden not a blessing.

When you are bored in your marriage and wanting something new discovering somebody, being validated is intoxicating. it was this beautiful gift only her and I shared. But toward the end I became more frustrated we couldn’t share it. Then her his I and found out and she disappeared.

I go over my thoughts about that all the time. Is she indifferent and I didn’t mean much to her? Is she heartbroken like I am? Is she mad thinking I got away with no consequence while she is bearing the burden herself?

When I think she is heartbroken my resolve is strong to wait no matter how long. Same with if she is mad. But when I imagine her forgetting me or indifferent to what we were I collapse inside.

I won’t reach out to someone tonight, tomorrow or this weekend. Simply because I don’t want to be secretive any more. And I don’t want shallow or superficial. If I am going to have sex with someone again it is going to be because I have feelings for them and I want to express them. I would date someone.

That means actually getting a divorce and releasing my wife and letting go of the WIL.

Even if I could escape and find somewhere to go. Someplace safe or easier my arrogance would soon have me looking to risk again

After seminary I returned to my hometown. I started working part tome and doing another clinical education at the state hospital. That became my first job. I had met my wife at a mutual friends wedding in Santa Barbara California. She lived in Los Angeles county. I was still in paradise. We communicated over phone and long distance. We got engaged, she wa able to move to wyoming with her California job and salary. After four months I got my job ar the hospital. We got married. With both our salaries and little financial obligations we were doing good the fist years of our marriage.

I went to seminary in Berkeley California. Did my pastoral internship in paradise California. My cross cultural experience as they called it in the Navajo nation in rock point Arizona. I completed my clinical pastoral education at at Mark’s hospital in Salt Lake City utah.

After four years I graduated with a masters in divinity, an mdiv and no call. The lierrhan church was not interested in me or my attitude. That is a story for another time

Midland senior year. Common area. A professor I took classes from in New Testament Greek and logic tells me there is a representative from his seminary on campus.

A couple years ago my sophomore year I thought about the ministry but never seriously. My dad was a Lutheran minister. Church was always there. I more or less went. Habit more than passion.

I was 22. A senior in college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Seminary was four more years of school. Better than nothing. I signed up

My dad was excited. I was going to be his legacy. He spent the summer making me go up in his study for hours reading books. I resented him for it. But something happened during that time.

I became confident. Confeodnet that I was the best seminarian. That how I looked at life, theology, ministry was best. My dad always seemed right. He was always respected. I had a floating arrongance I embraced.