I was a chaplain. I genuinely hoped people in need and made a decent living doing it.

Now I job hop around trying to make as much money possible doing things I hate. When did I lose my way? And why can’t I get back? Or find something new?

I am not in a good place. Physically I am fairly healthy and in shape. But mentally I am in a darkness. I don’t see much hope or possibility. I can’t fathom physical violence in myself or anybody else but I don’t know where to turn for peace. The void is screaming

Not trying to project perfection, hide my weaknesses and admitting my shortcomings is liberating. There are things I wish I wasn’t, things I wish I didn’t do. Failures I am embarrassed to own. But at least I don’t have to exhaust myself putting up a facade. For other people and even for myself. I read old material about being a coach and I tried so hard to grow, be someone different. Believing if I just worked harder, was more consistent or even put myself in sink or swim situations I would change and find huge success. I am just me. I am pretty much the same guy I have been since I was 15 years old just starting high school. The same guy just doing the best he can in the situation and role I was given

I either go to bed at 6:30pm or stay up and get shit faced drunk. There are really no other options. I have such anxiety about how to spend my time at night. I don’t know what to do. I can get up and 3:30am, go for a walk, exercise, write, check the news. Mornings I am focused and dialed in. Nights I am an addict loser that is going to destroy himself. I think it is more extreme with the pandemic and not having work. I am so fucking bored. I thought I was bored before when I could go to the store, the gym, the coffee shop. Jesus. Now I really know boredom

Retired my dick. I won’t have sex any more unless it is with the WIL. And even in regards to her I dont believe in a reconciliation or happy ending. I am accepting more and more it is over and in the past. Time to move on. I don’t even know if I have the energy to get a divorce or date. I would like to meet someone just for conversation and getting to know them but the barriers of my wife and the WIL are strong.

Of course that also means I have to tell them I got laid off from my other job. Four weeks from laid off to another offer. But will ultimate be 9 or ten weeks without a paycheck.

I am so secretive and hiding shit. It is second nature. I have built my defenses up. I hide embarrassing news. I hide my love for the WIL. I keep wanting to reach out to her and o naturally come up with ways to talk to her in code. Forgetting that I am not hiding it any more. Fuck it is annoying and exhausting

I need to tell my family about Phoenix. Today really. I didn’t get the offer letter so o am hesitant. No reason why. It doesn’t really matter. It I would like to get the offer signed so I can do the background and drug screen. Then I need to drive out there, look at the office and find a place to live. I need to sell my truck and pay for the move. All to get out there by my birthday and start the job that Monday. Three weeks are going to go fast.

If you met me you probably wouldn’t like me. Maybe ten years ago. I am very quiet and withdrawn. I don’t talk much. I don’t have deep knowledge about any topics. I have no hobbies.

I used to speak in depth about big topics, spirituality, death, hospice. Even for a time sales strategy business strategy and theory. Now I just grunt and nod. There is no passion to speak for a long time. Everything feels like it has been said and adds up to nothing.

If I have had a drink I might open up more. Let my guard down and speak a little more but now when I take something seriously I am self conscious. I miss having something to say and believing in something

I am anxious and cannot concentrate. I have a lot of things to do but cannot seem to prioritize them.

Ugh. My finances are a mess. It is going to take me a long time to get out of this.

I realize with the WIL I am at the stage in our relationship where I am trying to possess her. The best thing I can do to show I love her is to let her go.

Sundays are depressing. I was writing this morning and then thought about the goodbye to Utah so I looked that up and it really bummed me out. I feel like I have written so much and it is just jumbled thoughts like these.

In theee weeks I am moving to Phoenix. We have lived in Southern California, ornate county, Dana point for 9 years. I will miss it.

Leaving California feels different. When we left utah 9 years ago it ripped my soul apart. We put down roots in utah, the greatest experiences of my life, the deepest relationships were in utah. Even leaving California now and moving to Arizona I put it in context of what it means to have another degree of separation from utah.

I think I am in a better place. I am feeling a little more Phoenix than Orange County right now. I have nothing bad to say about Dana Point. but even have 9 years it feels like we barely just got here. That I have been more or less on vacation for nine years. Hell we have been in a month to month rental agreement for the vast majority of time.

I remember writing a goodbye letter to utah when we sold our house. I wonder if I can find it.? I never shared it with anyone. I remember sitting in our house in centerville alone before it sold, typing the letter and bawling my eyes out. Utah felt like an unrequited love. That the state could never love me as much as I loved it. California feels like a casual relationship that has run its course and now we are saying thanks for the good times and wishing each other well.

Phoenix and Arizona feel like a blank canvass. I have no conceptions of either. I have flown through the airport, visited friends there, worked in different parts of Arizona and spent time in the Navajo nation as part of seminary. Phoenix is the great wide open. Tom petty.