The call with the hospice guy went well. Acquiring hospices. Ned operators.

I am so used to operating with my secrets tucked far away. I get nervous realizing what I have done. I feel exposed. Compromised. Vulnerable. I have lost respect from others. I lost respect for myself.

Are they sins? Shame? Embarrassment? I am crushing myself.

If I am not prodded I spend all my time alone doing nothing. I truly am sloth.

I don’t have any hobbies. I like to go for walks. Now for the first time I am being more disciplined about writing but that has come and gone from time to time. Other than that, reading?

I don’t have much passion or interest in tinkering, equipment, gadgets. I envy people that do like those things.

I have spent so much energy trying to overcome shame.

Shame about changing jobs so often. Shame about drinking and hiding hangovers. Shame about fucking. Being stupid. Shame about slacking off instead of working hard.

Shame about being an introvert. Shame about wanting to spend time alone instead of with people. Then feeling guilt because I don’t spend time with people.

I want love, acceptance but I don’t know how to receive it. I don’t know how to seek it. I spend my time alone imagining my times with other people.

I put up this huge facade to make people think I am better than I am. That I am a flawed simple man but if I can erect some edifice I can keep my illusion and sanity.

Even shame about wanting to be a rock star in high school and collage. I have lived so deep in my head. It feels liberating to open the doors and let things I stuff come out into the open. It also feels scary. There is a reason I hid all this shit. I didn’t want people to know because I was sure they would think less of me. In my mind right now I am inventorying everyone I know and imagining their reaction. Gulp

Shame about trying to start my own business and become a career coach. That i sold one copy of my book and gave away two more.

I never wanted to be like everyone else. I didn’t want to pander to be liked but I still wanted to be liked

From the age of thirty to 36 I lived what felt like the greatest time of my life.

I had moved to California to pursue acting, then wiring army and teaching before coming full circle and choosing to be a chaplain again.

I took a job in Ogden utah. It felt like coming hone but still different. I dove into the job and relished the experience. But all things come to an end. When it ended it broke me because no job could ever come close to it.

That is the problem now. With a job I think about being the hospice chaplain and I feel I am dishonoring a sacred time if I engage. It isn’t even conscious. I just feel all weird and stay away from relationships and people and work

That goes back to intimacy and the woman I love. When I think about dating I get all twisted emotionally and end up feeling sad.

That keeps me just skimming on the surface of friendships, commitments and devotion.

I thought about dating again. Actually pursuing a relationship with a woman. This has so many complications, embarrassment, shame?

I am still married so I should divorce my wife if I am going to date. We have been together 23 years, married almost 21. There is no intimacy. Hasn’t been for ten years. We don’t live together. I don’t really ever want to live with her again. We are still raising a daughter together. But we still have a relationship in that we talk, celebrate holidays. That is something

The other issue is even more delicate. Complete honesty on the specifics would hurt other people and it isn’t my place. But I had a very long affair with a woman and we have are parents together as well. She is married. Her husband found out about me and we haven’t talked in a year. I don’t know if or when I will ever see her again.

Lastly and this is where honesty is embarrassing. I have had cheap, quick sexual hook ups with people I met online. I feel dirty and shameful.

I don’t know if I am really high quality dating stock. Or even a high quality human being

My wife found out through cell phone records. She demanded to know who the person was I was calling and texting so much. She called the number. It was easy to find out.

It destroyed trust. I was/am a bad husband. I didn’t feel guilt. Only resentment. My wife was trying to take away the woman I loved. I built up a wall between us emotionally and to this day have not lowered it. I continued to talk to the WIL. My wife found out. I told her I loved her only as a friend. We could stay married or we could get a divorce. I was a coward. I should have been strong enough to let her go or end it. I ended up just hurting both of us. Being stuck in a marriage with no intimacy. I do value her friendship but after so long did we/I do the right thing?

We started getting hotel rooms spending days together. Making love, drinking talking. We were together at work, we texted and talked when we weren’t together. She consumed my every thought. She was my best friend. No matter what she was doing or where she was I wanted to be with her.

She left her job four years after starting. The day she packed up her cubicle left me with such heaving grief I never recovered. My life shattered and diminished. I am crying tears remembering it.

At first when she said she was leaving, that we would no longer work together, I actually felt relief. Our relationship was intense. I thought taking a step back would release exhaustion. Instead it destroyed my heart.

I cursed myself for wanting a break for wanting things to be easier. As if my indifference alone caused her to leave. I grieved. I continue to grieve so many years later.

We never stopped seeing each other or loving each other but the moment had receded. Our meetings and our talk were in memory of what we once were.

Why didn’t I marry her? Why did I stay in a marriage I wasn’t fulfilled in? We never truly contemplated leaving our spouses but we could not be apart. So we made a decision to just keep seeing each other on the side. The happiest most pure true part of myself hidden

From there we snuck off in the car and had intense make out sessions. It was very passionate but also Pg 13. No nudity oral or penetration. She would straddle me for an hour and we would just kiss and grind. Her chest pressed against mine. When we left each other we talked the whole way on our cell phones. The very essence of my soul screamed to be with her. Aching to turn around and be pressed against her. My chest was a magnet longing for the pole she possessed inside her

The first time we made love was ten months after our anniversary. We snuck to my house and opened a bottle of vodka. Neither of us had drank for some time. Our inhibitions were lowered. I led her to the spare bedroom. The moment our bodies connected was the most perfect thing I will ever feel. It was a year and a half after we first met and a year and three months after we started flirting.

I met her at work. We were friends to start. She was very attractive funny smart confident. I was drawn to be with her. We had another colleague and the three of us talked often and went to lunch.

After four months I sent her a flirtatious email. Nothing drastic, just a slight innuendo. Testing the waters. She responded in kind. I upped it a little more with my response and so on. We kept up the friendship while in secret we wrote each other deep sexual messages. We didn’t act on the feelings though. She was married and so was I. Five months past. We went to a meeting together. We held hands in the car. She sat close to me as I drove us home. We talked about how much we wanted to act on the feelings and how happy we made each other. I kissed her on the cheek at the end of the night and we went home to our respective spouses. That night became our anniversary. It was the day we finally got to be truly together.