I feel a little better. I was having a meltdown. The fever broke. I just need a win. And a new perspective. I refuse to beat myself up any more.

I am in a really dark place with the WIL. I can’t believe she hasn’t talked to me for almost a year. I try to be understanding but I can’t comprehend after all we were to each other she wouldn’t at least once reach out someway to say goodbye. something. Anything. I am destroyed

The anxiety is really high today. Always present.

The biggest concern is I am anxious and depressed by leaving. But I would feel the same way staying. Literally either way I look at a situation I would feel sick.

This leads to panic. It felt like I was getting punched in the gut at the store this afternoon. I am worried. I really need to get medication or something.

Losing a job like that would be hard. With the pandemic it was a double bad beat. I have had way too much time to think about it and not an ability to use coping mechanisms.

The pandemic is a double defeat. Not only do you lose the things you like. Movies, concerts, restaurants, flying, gambling. But you lose the contrast that makes NOT doing those things so fun. Having a beer and watching a movie instead of going out was much more empowering. Now it is the only choice. It feels empty. There is no either/or of going out or staying in. Even for a guy who would choose stay in 9 times out of 10 it has disrupted equilibrium.

I am losing my mind. Not joking ha ha funny. Losing my mind like my thoughts can’t focus. This fucking sucks

When I needed to reset I traveled back to wyoming/utah. I spent time in my childhood hometown. I visited the state I loved the most. I got to be with the WIL. I traveled to wendover and gambled. Losing that because of the WIL the pandemic and my mom coming to stay with me has really knocked loose a pillar of my thought. I don’t know how to reset. Where baseline is when things go bad.

I am a little concerned how quickly my mood changes. I can be fine one minute then feel hopeless the next. I have panic attacks at night. This past month has been exhausting. My thoughts are fragmented. Why wouldn’t they be? Maybe I am just dealing with a lot of shit…

I broke bad with the layoff from this past job. I am resilient. I don’t spook easily or become hopeless. I believe there always is an out. Things were extremely tight inthe fall. The job was salvation. To have it disappear so abruptly was harsh.

I want to move and grow. But there is an undercurrent of resentment that I have to. Residual of nine years of hanging tight in adversity…

I am going to have coffee with a former work colleague. It will be nice to see someone. With the pandemic and work I have spent too much time in my own head

Southern California is not the problem. I am not leaving because it is a bad place. I am leaving because I need to completely change my perspective on life. I am who I am in Orange County and will be that guy. Same as I was who I was in utah. I am going to see the world from and Arizona point of view for a while. Arizona might be great it might not. I might stay I might not. But it is the place from which I will view the world next

I have a desire to be known. A drive. Not to be famous or recognized. The drive is primal. I don’t want to die and not have the thoughts in my head written down somewhere. I have lived so much in my own mind I feel like I was never really known. How I felt about people, places, things. That I had a deep inner life yet I barely communicated it.

Keeping this site public at least gives the opportunity to discover. I don’t feel comfortable marketing or screaming look at me. I will package these in some form of book. Not that anyone reads books.

I have always had a creative streak. Since 2017 I legitimately tried to start my own consulting coaching business. I didn’t succeed but I am proud I tried. Now the domains are coming do and other subscriptions. I am blessing them and letting them go. I think about what I wrote last night about producing. That really resonates with me. With the job interviews and sex I was selling myself. They are not productive or safe but I didn’t have a positive place to put that energy. These posts and putting them out there are selling me. I have not been a great guy but I might be learning something