There are times I feel so vastly alone. I have friends. People I can chat with. I need to put forth the effort.

I don’t have anything cooking on the job or friend front. I am starting to get anxious. Free time makes me think about checking out hook up sites. I long for titillation, connection. Even if I don’t hook up. I long to talk to someone.

Those are really the only consistent relationships I have. I have chatted with four people. One I never met. One I was with twice but moved to Montana. One I met and probably will never see again. And one I met recently. She is up for getting together but honestly, she sees a lot of guys. Makes me uncomfortable. I am just not into seeing her again. I go and chat with other people but it takes time. I feel really awkward discussing this…

I looked closer at the slide deck (lite deck) it is a lightly funded start up out of Manhattan beach. I am not sure how far along they are in their process. The numbers are small for hospice acquisitions but the business plan looks solid.

I am at a point where the money is secondary. I want to be a part of something and feed my ego. I will see what is available. Like I mentioned I am not anticipating a lot of money up front

I have a call at 11am today with a company that reached out to me on LinkedIn. As far as I can tell they offer to purchase or manage, (perhaps sell?) hospices. Not sure what the role would be or if it pays anything but it would be better than sitting around

I am having a dark night. I started getting upset about the situation and my money draining

Of course that is what happens once I have to start paying bills. Reality sets in

I resent having to beat my head against the wall and be tortured for money. I wish my best was at least good enough to keep steady income. I don’t need to conquer the world just stop getting my ass handed to me and playing this stupid game

There really are not that many jobs to apply for.

I am glad I started doing this blog because it has helped me see I am not as broken as I thought

I don’t miss the specifics of being a chaplain. But I do miss the feeling of purpose

Helping people that were dying. Supporting families. Performing rites and sacraments for people at important life events. Birth marriage death, illness fear. To be a helpful presence

Why did I stop? I don’t think I intended to wash all the way out. I wanted to pursue other things but still keep what I had. I wanted to make the woman I love proud she risked to love me. There really weren’t any chaplain jobs available in 2009. I needed to make more money and I wanted more challenge. Once I went down that road it was hard to turn back. Preaching was stressful and I was not curious to explore the lectionary any more.

Why am I superficial? Am I uniquely superficial? Selfish?

I don’t think I always was. I longed for love commitment place and purpose. I believed I had those when I was the hospice chaplain. Many times even just briefly I thought I had it. Hell this las job I felt engaged and committed to the cause. Was it circumstance personality skill. I wasn’t seen as valuable but truth be told I was laid off so the pistol wasn’t valuable and most people in leadoroles at that company leave or are fired after 4 months

Sex used to be more a need. Now it is just to alleviate ore dom. I need to ditch that

I noticed my writing style is very superficial. I don’t go too in depth on any subject. I liked explaining the state hospital process.

Once the person is in place I am their conduit to the outside world. Phone numbers pre approved. Commissary orders. Complaints. I talked with families, read police reports complied medical records.

An influential singer can have a superficial relationship, even not knowing thousands of “fans” and still bring value to people.

Am I a failure? Do I bring value. There were times I was emotionally not present in jobs but I never set out to fail. I tried my best. The failures hurt. Yes, if things were going well I might have looked to move up but honestly for the past five years that has not been the case.