The funny thing about anxiety is I always believed it was caused by the stress of a job and having to do what I don’t like. I am anxious now and I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.

Writing down thoughts as they come show just how contradictory emotions are. How the fuck do I function?

There are so many perfect endings in life. The problem is the camera just keeps rolling after the moment. I am fine with accepting the end of jobs, relationships and places. But then the script makes me have to continue on. I wish I could close out some stories. Bless them, release them, move on

I am transferring all these posts to a word document.

I harbor closing i have the discipline to edit these into a cohesive and engaging narrative. The move, job and the WIL move narrative along which is engaging. A lot of it is boring to read even for me!

This past month has been difficult. I have been stressed before. The last year and a half were stressful. Worried about work performance. Job security. This has moved into losing my marbles territory. When I am stressed I can cope. Isolate the problem. Breathe deep. Focus on something else. I can’t identify the enemy right now. I can’t find a through thread to keep me on target.

The last non negotiable was staying in Southern California until my daughter graduated high school. That is gone. Either this liberates me or sends me spinning out to orbit untethered.

I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was sitting in the basement of the house in wyoming. The television was on. I heard the rocks shuffling outside the storm well. I looked at the WIL was there. I kissed her face and told her how much I missed her. I said over and over I love her. She barely moved. Then she said she had to go and walked away. I didn’t even care she was indifferent. I was ecstatic to see her. Feeling euphoric I wanted to text her, call her and deconstruct the time together. I became despondent when I realized I couldn’t reach out to her.

My wife asked me about the WIL yesterday. It is awkward when your wife asks you about another woman. She asked if I heard from her or talked to the WIL.

When the WIL’s husband found out about us he reached out to my wife. Very awkward to have your wife talk to the husband of another woman. I promised my wife I would tell her if I talk to the WIL. There is no reason to hide it. Hiding it makes it seem wrong. I am sorry I hurt my wife. I am sorry I caused her husband pain. But I do not regret loving the WIL. I do not feel guilt or shame. I can only do what is best now.

That being said I am an emotional wreck. This will be a recurring theme for a while…

My mind is spinning like crazy but I wanted to start getting this down.

On the walk this morning I pondered the desire to be the great dad/provider versus the desire to pursue passion and honor the inner child me. I wrestled because I feel a strong pull in both directions. Even though I have not had much success in either direction, but that is another story…

Then I realized one thing about being a hospice chaplain.

I had balance. I could see myself in both those lights at the same time. The job for my skills better. I worked for a good company with good benefits. I had decent pay. I could do an above average job with part time effort.

That allowed me times to ponder life. To write. To envision myself as an artist.

As I was walking I started to get nostalgic. there are only so many morning left to take the walk. Never mind that the walk was born out of necessity. I couldn’t go to the gym any more. Now it is a finite commodity. I was getting sentimental.

But I thought about yesterday. How relieved I was to be leaving. The number one value of Phoenix is not the job or the city. It is breaking the frames. The frame of super provider. Of ultra success. Of tireless goal achiever. if nothing else Phoenix and what it represents allows me to pursue balance again.

I need to be disciplined. stay focused. Letting my mind go, feel every single emotion and pursue every thread is destructive. When I started my MBA I learned early I couldn’t hustle my way to peace. Meaning I couldn’t find peace by manically working. I would never finish. There would always be more work. I would just ground myself down.

The same is true of my thoughts and emotions. I can’t feel everything. I can’t think my way to peace. I have to be mindful. Realize the things I must work on. Release those I can’t resolve. Some thoughts can’t be resolved peacefully. I put them in the stream and let them flow. To keep pondering is maddening. And will destroy me

Yesterday was so powerful. The narrative thread that is going to make this move successful is the end of the nine years and leaving Southern California. That aspect brings me joy.

Now I can not remember what I wrote or what I just thought.!This might be redundant

Everyone is aware of the move. There is excitement, anxiety, sadness, disappointment. There is not one decision that will please everyone. Looking back on the joy of yesterday and the relief of leaving. That opportunity for a new perspective. This I best for me. I must be strong. Focused and they will trust me. Lead by example

Words become sentences. Sentences become paragraphs. Paragraphs become posts. Posts become books. I produce books. That is what I do. I will produce them now until I die and let the market set a price for who I am and what I deliver

Reconciling the fact that I have worked sales for eleven years and have had so many jobs. I am consciously focusing on a new start and not adding this new opportunity to the previous nine. I started categorizing the positions

3 were bad beats.

4 were fair, we gave it a go and it just didn’t work

1 was I chose to go out on top and 1 the people were crazy and I was glad to tell them to get bent

The bad beats are the scarring ones. Those are jobs where the numbers were there and people just got rid of me

It is still hard to comprehend that I have done something so long and have a lousy track record. I am either the most stubborn person or the stupidest

Received the offer letter, background check, reference check and drug screen information this afternoon. Time me two hours to get everything together. Still waiting for response from two people I asked to fill out reference survey. Drug screen is friday. Glad to have things moving forward so I can travel to Phoenix next week. Going to tell my wife and daughter about the move. Looking up fun Phoenix facts to close the sale…