I noticed my writing style is very superficial. I don’t go too in depth on any subject. I liked explaining the state hospital process.

Once the person is in place I am their conduit to the outside world. Phone numbers pre approved. Commissary orders. Complaints. I talked with families, read police reports complied medical records.

An influential singer can have a superficial relationship, even not knowing thousands of “fans” and still bring value to people.

Am I a failure? Do I bring value. There were times I was emotionally not present in jobs but I never set out to fail. I tried my best. The failures hurt. Yes, if things were going well I might have looked to move up but honestly for the past five years that has not been the case.

Do I keep working these jobs because of their superficial nature? I say it is a mutual abuse. Am I the problem (definitely a part) or do I keep putting myself in high risk situations?

The theme that is emerging is my superficiality.

Intimacy, relationships. Work. Friendships.

No depth of character

What good do I bring to the world?

Is my existential purpose superficial?

I try to be a good son so my mom doesn’t have to see both my brother and I die before her. She is 79

I try and be a good dad. Raise my daughter at least through high school

My wife and I are cordial and friends but I am not sure I am of value to her.

The woman I love it might make her life more simple if I die.

It would make her husband extremely pleased If I died a horrible violent resounding death

I have aunts, uncles and cousins. Some might mourn but I haven’t been a part of their lives

Work and relationships are a fail

I am shallow. I barely communicate with friends, relatives. I don’t engage at work. I go days without talking to people.

My intimacy is usually meaningless one night stands. And I don’t even work hard at that. I don’t date or plan just look for immediate or nothing.

I actually hope by naming my behavior I disarm it. Bringing it out in the open takes away the secretive and the cheap thrill

I have a tendency to take my foot off the gas. Stop working, trying. I fall into sloth then depression. I don’t want to over extend myself. I don’t want to drink fuck and die though either.

Just an update where we are. I started this job three months ago. A guy a knew started his own business. Took off more than even he thought. I came on and he disappeared. i ran his business for two months then he came back for a month. I didn’t really have much to do because he started doing it again. But he had big plans. building an empire. Going into the holidays I figured he would get bored and come january/february he would go to Texas (where they moved the company for tax purposes) and I would be running it again. Instead I come in on Monday morning to a lay off notice. So since then I have applied to six jobs. Talked with a generic recruiter about one and a company recruiter about another. Both jobs are out of the area. Which on a personal note I am ready to move after nine years so that is not terrible. But these crappy jobs don’t want to hire a relocator any more than someone wants to uproot family and home. Because they know they are going to abuse and use them. It is disgusting but I am used to it. So if you count the day of this is day 7. Six applications. 2 contacts but nothing solid.

No updates on email text or call.

I applied for unemployment for the first time. Normally I don’t just because it seems like a hassle and I expect to get a job right away. I did this time because it was so quick and unexpected and the benefits are more generous and frankly I am having a cash crunch. I can get credit but liquid cash is dwindling. I have some stock from my previous job I could cash out but it is doing pretty good right now and I would rather it make money than I have to cash out early. I was putting money into employee stock and left just when they weee going to make another quarterly purchase but they didn’t do it so I had a good chunk of after tax money taken out that is not accounted for. Project two is finding my fucking money

There is a moment in every job that is performance based that is sink or swim. It usually doesn’t take long. The shortest was commission job. After three days of sending me crappy leads and I didn’t convert they basically cut me off and stopped sending them. In my post chaplain history the travel job was best because it felt like it was coming after two years so I just left rather than deal with it. I wanted one job that wasn’t smeared r tainted.

Usually one or two months in. Then it is a game of how long before you get rose out or jump ship.

I don’t know if I can go deep enough with my emotions for you. Might be I am guarded or I don’t have the talent. I don’t believe I am sharing the fear, the joy, the heartbreak adequately.