7:17am, pacific standard time, coffee shop in Los Angeles, California, USA, Tuesday morning, April 19, 2022, fifth day of vacation. Getting ready to go to an amusement park. We left early to avoid traffic, now we have to kill time before everything opens. 11:48am, we got in early and rode most of the big rides before the crowd grew too large. Now it is busy.
7:03am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Monday morning, April 18, 2022, 4th day of vacation. Yesterday was a nice Easter Sunday. We went to the movies in the afternoon then met friends at a local park for a picnic. The movie was silly but, overall enjoyable. However, a part of me didn’t want to go on the picnic. There was no specific reason why I didn’t want to go just, sometimes, undefined anxiety makes it difficult for me to get to social events. Ironically, once I am there I relax and have a good time. The food was delicious at the picnic, we saw old friends and made new ones. After dinner an impromptu game of volleyball formed. We laughed and played until it got too dark to see.
2:09 am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Saturday morning, April 16, 2022, first day of vacation. A triage call from work woke me up at 1am. A patient was having an issue and our nurse was not picking up. I called the caregiver and the situation is managed. I tried multiple times to get a hold of the nurse as well. Thankfully, we have a new clinical manager to address things like this. The drive on Friday went well. No major issues or traffic.Getting out early in the day helped immensely. Saturday, April 17, 2022, Dana Point, California, USA, second day of vacation. Took care of some work issues in the morning, went and grabbed burgers in the afternoon with my daughter then, in the evening all three of us got caramel apples and went clothes shopping. 7:58am, in the apartment, Dana Point, California, USA, Easter Sunday morning, April 17, 2022, third day of vacation. The dog and I went for a walk, got coffee, then bought Easter lilies and cards for the girls.
5:47am, in parking lot, Laguna Niguel, California, Sunday morning, March 27, 2022. The dog and I are in the car outside a random office building in Laguna Niguel. We are killing time because the coffee shop up the street doesn’t open until 6am. It is so quiet at this time of day. The sky is dark, birds are singing and there aren’t any other people around. We are here because we got up earlier than usual this morning, which, in a way, was my fault. I fell asleep early, which made her last bathroom break just before 8pm. By 3:30am she whined to be let out of the kennel so I got up and got dressed for our morning walk. The fact is I was already awake at 3:30am because I was thinking about work. The month of April is going to suck. There is too much left undone, financials that look terrible and, in a couple of weeks, a mock survey which will create thousand more things to worry about. I am not giving up but, right now I am starting to feel, one way or the other, I won’t be captaining this particular ship very much longer.
2:50pm in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Friday afternoon, December 10, 2021. The windshield repair guy I referenced this morning no showed for the 11am appointment. I will find somewhere else to take my car next week, hopefully the window doesn’t crack on the way to California. Also, the triage nurse that I referenced last week as surly and lacking compassion quit without notice two hours before her shift was supposed to start. It has been one of those days.
9:36am We are getting ready to leave for the activity center. It should be a fun time. Right now I am thinking about the creative pursuit of writing and what I do for work. I have come up with a new perspective. In the summer of 2002, well before my daughter was born, my wife and I moved to Valencia, California from Evanston, Wyoming. My wife kept her corporate position but I quit my job as a religious consultant for the state of Wyoming. We moved so I could be an actor and my wife could be closer to family. It was a rash adventurous decision we made as newlyweds who were sure we could conquer the world. The move was not free of tension. My wife was supportive but skeptical. While she looked forward to spending time with her sisters she wasn’t sure of my new plan for work. But I was confident. I envisioned myself auditioning for parts and easily getting jobs to pay my share of the bills. As soon as I got to California I began submitting headshots. I auditioned for some student films and got some parts but not nothing else. By the fall I realized I had neither the drive nor the talent to be a successful actor. I wasn’t terribly heartbroken. I tried and it didn’t work out. I accepted the failure but was left with a creative void. I needed to find a new pursuit. 3:09pm hanging out at the activity center, picking up where I left off. I decided I was going to be a writer. It wasn’t too much of a reach. Starting years earlier in seminary I had written some stories and started a novel. In fact I had just finished an autobiography of my youth titled “The Journey and the Destination.” In the moment I was happy. Writing was my new identity. This is noteworthy because it was during what I consider the most vibrant period of my life i.e. the time I was a hospice chaplain. In reality being a hospice chaplain was not my career choice. It was the job I did to support myself while I wrote. I loved being a chaplain. I cherish the time but I identified as a writer more than a chaplain. Just saying that reduces my anxiety. It changes how I approach work and purpose. For so long I have viewed my situation as facing a choice between sales/operations or being a chaplain. In reality I am facing a choice between sales/operations and writing. I know who I am, what I want to be. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. I simply realize I can’t expect writing to produce sustainable income. So the question I ask is, “What do I want to do to support myself while I write?”
9:31am made it to palm desert. Enjoying the drive. Memories of being a sales leader for skilled nursing. I realize I don’t say much about that. The memories are not on par with being the chaplain but it is the second most valued work experience. I traveled around California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona. Also went to Ohio, Michigan, Washington, Colorado for that job. Palm desert was one of my buildings. I stayed here often. Feels comfortable.
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