4:57pm, pacific standard time, parking lot in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday afternoon, June 1, 2022. Signed my severance agreement today and sent it back. The money should be in my account the end of next week. Two interviews are scheduled for tomorrow; one is San Diego job and the other is for the opportunity I mentioned yesterday. I am contemplating Chaplaincy more. I want change, I want to do something I like but, I am struggling with how much change to make.
Tag: change
You don’t change unless it is absolutely necessary
8:25am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday, December 28, 2021. Change only happens when it is absolutely necessary. You don’t choose change, it is forced upon you. That is because the process of change is too hard, the effort too great, the risk too high. Change involves losing as much as gaining and you cannot accept losing something of value unless you have no choice.
Thought
6:15pm change is possible. 19 years ago moving to California I changed my schedule. Before the move and living in wyoming I always stayed up late. I drank beer. I chewed tobacco. To minimize exposure to my vices I started to go to bed early. Not staying up late kept me from indulging in things that were detrimental and it maximized the morning. The time of day I felt renewed.
Stay put
7:24am a part of me keeps trying to get out of stress. Another part of me tries to stay. I don’t know if I want to change. The dominant force wins. the chaos of work, of being in Arizona, changing jobs all the time is how I figured out what I wanted to give my daughter. A life in Orange County. Maybe it is madness. Maybe when I look back it will all make sense. Whatever the case I always say I want to change but never do. There has to be a reason. I choose to keep living this way
Who am I?
3:56pm I spend so much time trying to figure out who I want to be. I am always trying to change something, improve, grow, get better. I never examine who I am. I never really know what I am about. I don’t stop and say, “this is me.” I am a guy who is good at getting jobs. I like to get jobs. I am good at it. The interview went well this morning.
Self assessment
8:27am in my office at work. I was talking to myself on the walk this morning. A couple of realizations. 1. I don’t know if I loved being a chaplain because of the work or because I had stability. 2. I don’t know if I liked the job of being a chaplain or that I could excel only working part time. 3. I have had opportunities to go back to being a chaplain. If I really want it why haven’t I made the change?
Check in
11:20pm Tuesday night. Lying in bed. I Went to sleep early. Got up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind is working. Thinking about alcohol, sex, love, pleasure, work. The slate is wiped clean. I am resetting my beliefs. When neurons fire I attach thoughts. The thoughts attach to feelings. They become a pair. I feel something, I think something. I never change the combination. Over time they might evolve. But seldom consciously change. Today made me realize I need to consciously let go of the WIL. I no longer give my most valuable energy to her. She is gone. She has moved on. I accept that. I let her go as well. I have the ability to be intimate. I am able to fall in love. The most valuable part of me can be given to someone else.
Changes at work
The new company took over last week. Part of the change requires directors to assume many back office HR functions. My mind is adjusting to new ways of thinking. It isn’t easy but good for me to learn new things. Approach different problems. Think more black and white. Specifics oriented
Modern Family 15%
5:54am I am watching Modern Family on a streaming service. Season 1 episode 13 is called “Fifteen Percent.” “People are who they are, give or take 15%. That’s how much people can change if they really want to.”
Take the “L”
1:14pm I left the office to go visit a facility. I am going to get a contract updated. I needed to get out of the office and interact with someone. When I left I realized I had a big yogurt stain in the crotch of my pants. Not a good look. I just pulled in to my apartment complex. I will go change then head out. Elaborating more on living in my head; social interactions, business meetings, dating. In my mind I am amazing and successful at these things. In reality I feel inadequate. I don’t do good in those settings. In my mind I am a winner. In real life I feel defeated. I take the “L.” I stay in my mind because there I always have the answer. In my mind I am charismatic. In my mind I am a better version of me.
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