Tag: daughter

Taking the day off

6:15am, in my apartment living room in Chandler, Arizona, sitting on the couch, watching the weather, Thursday morning, December 30, 2021. The morning feels cozy. My wife and daughter are sleeping, the dog is on the couch next to me and we are watching the weather. Yesterday I told the regional VP my family was in town. She told me to relax and suggested I spend time with them. I appreciated that. She makes me feel valued. I want to work hard for my own success but to also to repay the support she gives me. We do not have definitive plans for the day, but we did reserve the apartment complex theater tonight. We are going to buy snacks and watch a movie together.

Notes from today

2:37pm, Chandler, Arizona, Monday afternoon, December 27, 2021, in my apartment, sitting on the couch. I came home at noon, took the dog out, went to lunch with my daughter then came home. We worked on a model, watched television and talked. My wife asked about plans for next year and if I was renewing the lease. I told her it was still up in the air. 3:11pm, I woke up from a quick nap. We are planning to go shopping this afternoon/evening. I feel guilty not being at work but need a break at the same time. 6:40pm This afternoon I worked on the model some more then went to the store with my mom to return some items. On the way home we picked up pizza. I am thankful I spent the day at home but still having trouble disengaging from work.

Christmas Eve Night 2021

8:22pm, living room, Dana Point, CA, Friday night, December 24, 2021, Christmas Eve. Made it to Orange County around noon, dropped mom off at the hotel, took a quick nap and played video games with my daughter. Around 4pm we took the dog with us to Lake Forest to get mom for dinner and present opening. Then, one more trip to the hotel to drop mom off for the evening. Now we are sitting on the couch watching videos and talking.

Someplace else

1:55pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, December 15, 2021. It is natural, when things slow down, to think about being someplace else. After all, life is more enjoyable in reflection, when current circumstances cease to demand attention. This afternoon I left my office, drove to a nearby park and sat in my car. As the bright sun warmed me, my mind wandered to last year. I recalled being in Dana Point, sitting on my couch, experiencing a similar moment. It was not a perfect time. The ongoing pandemic resurged and large group restrictions were in place. My wife and daughter had moved out and my mother, recuperating from a nasty fall, had moved in. I was settling into a new job that, unbeknown to me, was going to end in three weeks. It was not a time l felt particularly content, yet sitting in my car, remembering it, all I felt was peace. Now I am looking at decisions I will make for the coming year; Will I stay in Arizona? Or maybe move back to Orange County? Perhaps even end up somewhere I have yet to discover? Many times in life I find myself missing what was left in the past and that makes me realize something; come next year, when I have a moment to reflect, I very well could be enjoying the sunshine of a similar afternoon, in a new someplace else, missing the very place I am now.

Too small blanket

5:14am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 15, 2021. A while ago I heard a financial planner share insight about his profession. He said the practice of allocating money is like, “a too small blanket on a cold night.” Every scenario can’t be addressed, something will always remain exposed. The lease on my apartment is up for renewal. If I stay in Arizona the relationship with my daughter will suffer. If I go back to Orange County I have no housing or job stability. Either way, I will give up or miss out on something. My blanket is too small.

Saturday night update

7:27pm (pacific) Saturday night, Dana Point, CA, December 11, 2021. I am sitting on the couch in my wife’s apartment with my daughter, watching videos and trying to stay awake. The funeral service this afternoon was exhausting. It brought back many memories, not all of which were particularly good. Still, I am glad for the chance to say goodbye one last time. After the funeral we drove home for lunch then went back out to visit friends. By the time we settled in for the evening I was ready to go to bed. I am going to change and wash up now.

Attending a funeral today

6:22am (pacific) Palm Desert, California, Saturday morning, December 11, 2021. I am traveling to Orange County today to attend the funeral of my daughter’s friend’s father. Actually, I should say, my friend. I knew him well, at least as parents of similar aged children know each other. We attended many school events over the years and volunteered our time together, talking about the frustrations of life and the enjoyment of fatherhood. It is hard to believe he is gone. I will hug my daughter extra long when I get there, life feels rather fragile at the moment.

Palm Desert, CA Saturday morning

The women I love and the places they live

4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.