Friday night

6:15pm, apartment in Dana Point, California, Friday evening, February 18, 2022. On the couch with my daughter and the dog. We ordered dinner for delivery and are watching her favorite show waiting for it to arrive while her mom is at work. Last night when I arrived everyone was gone except the dog. My daughter ended up staying the night at a friends. It was strange to be in the house without her, even stranger to be here alone all morning.

Desperate by my own design

7:04pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, February 15, 2022. The thought of formally submitting 60 day notice to vacate the Arizona apartment crossed my mind this morning. However, I decided to hold off; if I put myself in a position where I needed to move by May I would become desperate by my own design. Right now I am under no pressure to accept any job offer unless the pay is substantially higher. The job here in Arizona is stable(ish?), the apartment is cheaper than anything in Orange County and the company is far better than the one out there. If they can’t raise my pay there is no reason to take their job. I want to be close to my daughter but I am not desperate and I refuse to arbitrarily make myself so.

Palm desert stop

7:42am Pacific time, Palm Desert, California, Saturday morning, February 12, 2022. Almost to Orange County, stopped to rest and get something to eat. Left Arizona at 5am mountain time and drove straight through. I made one quick stop outside Blythe but I will take more time in Palm Desert. My daughter had a friend stay over last night. They are usually pretty messy and loud in the morning so I am not in a particular hurry.

Sometimes life blows

6:35pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, February 10, 2022. Two senior leaders from Southern California called this afternoon. They wanted to discuss a position similar to what I am doing now. That annoyed me. The recruiter I had been talking with said the call was for a regional role. I can’t tell if she lied or was misled herself. Either way, I felt a little deceived and a lot let down. But the call wasn’t all bad, the job has some strong selling points: the pay is pretty high for the position, there is more responsibility and most importantly, I can move back to Orange County. That gives me mixed emotions: as a father I am filled with joy. I can go home and be close to my daughter. However, career wise, taking the job would be suicide. Companies like this churn middle management every day, especially in Orange County. I keep asking myself what should I do? Go back for a job destined to fail or stay in Phoenix and miss my daughters teen years? Either decision leaves something to be desired. It’s as if no matter what I choose a great big sucking heartbreaking hole opens in the middle of my chest, leaving me with no possibility of happiness. Sometimes life blows.

Be in good health

4:44pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, February 1, 2022. Stayed home one more day. Going into the office was a possibility but there was a staff meeting, not the time to go in and cough everywhere. Another day of rest has been beneficial. I am feeling better. My daughter called a little while ago, she had a good day at school. Hearing her voice when she is happy is therapeutic. Now the goal is to be in good health to travel this weekend. Going two weeks without seeing my daughter would be sad.

Lease options

4:21pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, January 26, 2022. I found out this afternoon it is possible to sign any length lease for the apartment. That reduces my stress. I can’t say I want to stay in Arizona but I am not ready to move. Five months would take me to September and the beginning of high school for my daughter.

My daughters mother

7:28am, PST, apartment in Dana Point, CA. Saturday day morning, January 22, 2022. A year ago the woman I married stopped referring to me as her husband. She began introducing me as our daughters dad. I didn’t think much of it and still reflexively called her my wife. However this past week we had a discussion about future plans. She made it clear we will never be together in that capacity ever again. I am not shocked or offended, we have been strictly platonic for well over a decade and I have no desire to revisit that status. But I did make the decision to follow suit. We are legally married but we aren’t husband and wife any more. She is now my friend and simply the woman I know as my daughters mother.

A Saturday Afternoon in Orange County

1:21pm (PST), wife and daughter’s apartment, lying in bed, Dana Point, CA, Saturday afternoon, January 8, 2022. I arrived at 11am after leaving Chandler at approximately 5am (MST). When I arrived we sat at the table and ate leftovers for lunch before doing school work. Now I am napping while my daughter plays an online game. The wife is in the living room and the dog is lying next to me.

Friday, January 7, 2022

2:19pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday afternoon, January 7, 2022. Monday is the beginning of our big integration at work. All of our back office and clinical functions will change. It is going to be intense; for three weeks we are going to migrate records, move systems and learn new software. I am ready to get started because it has been stressful preparing. I feel run down and we haven’t even started yet!

Memories from a year ago

6:17am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, January 3, 2022. A year ago (Monday January 4th) I walked into work and was greeted at the door by the HR director. She informed me I had been laid off; No warning, no advance knowledge, not even a hint. I was the Executive Director in charge while the CEO took an extended sabbatical. When he got back I was no longer needed. For three months I navigated the site through an office move, staffing issues, billing concerns, clinical leadership changes and the pandemic resurgence. Then I was let go. Finically I was in a terrible position, I couldn’t afford rent and had no job prospects in Orange County. I expanded my search area and that is how I ended up in Arizona. Despite the start to the year I look back on 2021 as mostly good. I am proud of how the year turned out. I miss being close to my daughter but the change in perspective did me good. Now I want to take this adventure, wrap it up, hold onto the memories and get back to my life in Orange County.