Sunday Dana point

7:59am Sunday, Dana point. There are two parts of me. When I am alone my mind is in Utah. I reminisce about being young, vital, in love and loved. When I am present I am in Orange County. I am a dad. I am older wiser.

Saturday evening, Dana Point

7pm Saturday, Dana Point. I felt annoyed and didn’t want to talk with anyone. The girls we’re in the next room so I stayed in the front of the house, away from all the noise. I needed quiet. I also needed something to eat but didn’t want to go to the store.

Saturday, Palm Desert

7:40am Saturday morning, palm desert. Everyday I learn more what it means to sacrifice. To give up child like security for the sake of achieving a goal. So often I ventured out only to retreat to safety. The moments I spend in fear haunt me but they must be endured. I can never go back to innocence, there is no place for me there.

Saturday afternoon

4:53pm Saturday afternoon, Dana Point. Upon arriving in Orange County I stopped to grab my mail from the post office. Then I continued to my wife and daughters house. My daughter was excited to play a new game, my wife was finishing work before she left to run errands. I took the dog for a walk around the complex then returned to eat lunch. When I finished I felt tired, so I laid on the couch and took a nap.

Thursday morning

5:29am I got up this morning feeling tired. I put on my clothes and took a walk. As I walked under dim streetlights I asked a question; What would I think if I were dropped into this life with no pretext? I am a hospice director in Phoenix with my family living in California. Would I be surprised by the job? Disappointed I am not with my family? I imagine myself creative. A writer, actor, musician. why do I not do that as my “job?” I have a wife and a daughter. Aren’t I lonely being apart from them?

Thought

6:15pm change is possible. 19 years ago moving to California I changed my schedule. Before the move and living in wyoming I always stayed up late. I drank beer. I chewed tobacco. To minimize exposure to my vices I started to go to bed early. Not staying up late kept me from indulging in things that were detrimental and it maximized the morning. The time of day I felt renewed.