9:57am in my office, Arizona. I am still thinking about the post from yesterday. The schedule I mentioned was created when I first moved to California 19 years ago. It was perfected when I was a hospice chaplain in utah. It is remarkable to think for all the dreams and hopes that have passed through my mind these thousands of days I really have only lived slight variations of one day.
Author: mikemeyer949
A good day
6:28am, Sunday morning, Dana Point, CA. When life is over all I really did was live thousands of individual days. Here is an example of an idealized typical day for me: From midnight to 3am I sleep. For this particular example I would have many vivid dreams that stick in my mind and make me happy. I don’t always get to have great dreams and I appreciate them when I do. Next I would wake up between 3am and 6am and go for a walk. I like to walk outside or go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I walk early in the morning because at that time I can talk to myself and let my mind wander without wondering if I look weird. I also don’t have to stress about greeting people or worry about the dog (when I have her) encountering aggressive dogs or owners that want the animals to say “hi.” (I am not asocial but I do prefer to spend most of my time in my head rather than overthinking personal interactions). After that I exercise (stretch, lift weights), go home, watch some tv, read, eat breakfast and drink coffee. I can enjoy an entire morning doing those activities plus writing a little bit, napping, paying bills, answering emails. Around 10 in the morning I would shower, iron clothes, dress, get ready all while listening to music. Between eleven and noon I would leave to have lunch with a friend or co worker. When that was over I would spend a moment alone to recharge my energy. Maybe drive to a secluded spot, sit in my car and scroll through my phone, catching up on the news of the day. Around three pm I would make chaplain visits or go into the office and interact with people. A little after five I would head home, eat dinner, watch tv and read before I fell asleep between 8pm and 9pm. There it is. What I would consider a good day (weekday at least). I like that schedule. You know what? It isn’t hard to be happy when I don’t think too much about existential issues or try to rule the world. I guess I simply need to relax and enjoy the day in front of me.
Saturday
8:33pm, Saturday, Dana point. spent the day in Irvine, went to lunch with friends. Saw a movie. Now back in Dana point watching videos. It has been a good day.
Time and Place
6:08am apartment Friday morning, Arizona. When I was in utah I was wedded to that place. My body pulsated with power. I was invigorated by the energy, the sites, the feeling of existing in a perfect moment. In utah my job completely defined me. I was the unaffiliated Hospice chaplain from wyoming and I was proud. That feeling came to an end January, 2008. the job ended in 2009. I left utah in 2012. To this day my heart and soul still belong to that time, that place, that job. Now, I have been in exile one way or another for almost 14 years. I still pine for that place, that job, that time but I don’t feel the pull to go back to utah as strongly as I once did. So much time has passed and there is no hope to see the WIL. I guess Orange County is home now but it isn’t the same, it isn’t ethereal like utah. Maybe it will be someday. After all, I despised high school but when I graduated I missed the time and place terribly. Maybe when I look back at Orange County I will realize it is the place I am supposed to be all along. We will see. I guess nothing will ever be utah again. If that is the case at least I got to feel that great one time in my life.
Future plans
6:14am Thursday morning, apartment in Arizona. Three weeks until thanksgiving. My daughter has gotten into the show Steven Universe. We texted the last two nights about it. I have watched the movie with her and am going to California this weekend to hang out with her and get caught up on the episodes. On a personal note, I haven’t drank alcohol since Sunday, October 24, 2021. I plan to abstain until the end of the year. Not for any particular reason, I am just tired of feeling depressed for two days after I drink. I am sticking to my plan to move back to California in March (or sooner) I will either pay my wife to let me sleep on the couch or get a room in a house with roommates. I will let fate decide the kind of job I get and the salary I earn. Probably not the scenario I envisioned for my 50th year but it is what it is. I want to be in the closest place I have to home while my daughter attends high school.
Paradise City
8:20pm, Wednesday night, Arizona, laying in bed. “Rags to riches or so they say, Ya gotta keep pushin’ for the fortune and fame, You know it’s all a gamble when it’s just a game, Ya treat it like a capital crime, Everybody’s doin’ the time.” Guns & Roses, Paradise City. I don’t know what I consider success. I am not going to make a lot of money. I don’t truly want to be famous. What am I trying to achieve?
Might as well
7:55am office, Arizona, Wednesday morning. Might as well just be me. Might as well accept who I am. Might as well tell people what I am thinking and feeling. I will have all eternity to myself but only a short time left to interact with people.
Decision
1:05pm office. I made the decision to let my lease run out and return to California in March. I will start looking for jobs in January. Let’s see how well this post ages.
Springsteen
8:35am, office. My brother died 5 years ago. I grabbed some cds of his and put them in a box when we went through his stuff but hadn’t listened to them until this week. On my trip to California Saturday I brought the cds with me. One of them was Bruce Springsteen’s Darkness on the edge of town. “Poor man want to be rich, rich man want to be king and a king ain’t satisfied till he rules everything.” Badlands, Bruce Springsteen
New company
7:39pm Dana point, evening. I didn’t post this morning because my company sold over the weekend. The new ownership was there all day today. things went well but I miss my daughter. I should be on California. The job in San Diego was reposted. Why don’t I apply?