7:33pm Friday night sept 17, 21. Immediately the events transpired. I finished a phone call then left for a meeting across town. When I arrived no one seemed particularly concerned with the growing mob outside. To them the novel display was intriguing, not annoying. But I was sick with worry. What if my wife found out, what then? A million scenarios raced through my mind. None of them involved a simple resolution.
Author: mikemeyer949
Purpose
6:01am Friday morning. The thought entered my mind and found purchase; If in the course of my life I changed one small circumstance would everything be different? Perhaps if I got a job that didn’t suck, or if I changed my living arrangement, would emptiness stop growing inside me? Would I cease feeling alone, could I release negative feelings and ultimately reside in peace? The questions swirled around me like detritus and the answers I found were terrible. I couldn’t change the circumstances of my life, I was killing myself for nothing and when my time came I would disappear without acknowledgement from an unforgiving world.
Conquest
8:09pm Thursday night. Seldom does peace provide lasting comfort. The moment I feel content I bear down and find more worlds to conquer. Conquest is my default setting. How can I lament anxiety when I embrace it everyday?
Writing
6:11am Thursday morning. I dig slowly to find the gems that get missed. Writing is many things; fun, creative, frustrating. It can be an escape or it can be work. In the end I just make sure it isn’t boring.
Wednesday morning
5:45am Wednesday morning. And if I were to let go, reclaim my identity from the past, what then? I would still be a collection of thoughts, inside a certain body, living in a certain time, bound to die a yet unforeseen death then wiped from the earth like leftover crumbs from last nights dinner. I will always be who I always am until I exist no more.
Office
9:32am Tuesday, at the office. Perhaps that is the point, to challenge myself everyday where I can barely tolerate it. Just like pleasure is fleeting so too is the struggle. To face adversity every day is just as valuable as finding joy. If i were not challenged I would be useless and dead. If I did not have joy I would have no reward. Everything flows in endless loop and must be experienced over and over. There is no perpetual, just moments.
Tuesday morning
7:03am Tuesday morning. No matter where I go or what I do I nothing is different because the beast inside my chest remains. In changes it’s name, it’s power source but the overwhelming anxiety stays in me forever. I change circumstances but I don’t change the eternal internal aggression eating away in my sternum. That is life and will be until I die
Monday morning
6:12am Monday morning. What is there to fight for, to live for, to die for? What are my hopes but random thoughts that made me feel good instead of bad? I no longer fashion a “life” that is consistently valuable, I strive for single moments that are simply less painful.
Sunday morning
6:56am Sunday morning. And life reaches a point where you are in a moment. Not missing the last, no focused on the future. Just alive. The moments are rare but they do exist.
Friday night
8:26am Friday night. (Notes for book I am writing)Did I Achieve something because I was willing to go to the utmost extreme? Was my “success” really a failure? I solved one problem but did not achieve my original goal. I also did not solve the original problem. Were they related? Did I have an obligation to pete to solve his problem? That was my intent. In a way I caused the problem. In another I didn’t. But he also created the situation by giving me the job.
mikemeyer949 